I have found myself thinking a lot about Brett latley, my thoughts range from random memories to serious thoughts about where my life would be right now if I were still married and our dreams would have had a chance to come to fruition. There are days when I am STILL in shock that it all happened. I feel like I died the day he died and was reborn a different person. Everything about me changed the day I lost him. I always knew there was chance we could be seperated by the monster they call cancer but until that day I walked back into my apartment a brand new widow...I never expected to really face it. I remember that first time walking into our home, alone, like it was yesterday. The first thing I did was stop and look at a picture of us that was hanging on the way. It was a beautiful picture of us right after we had gotten engaged. We were both young and happy, full of hope. I screamed at that picture. I won't go into what I said but I was angry. There I stood shattered. broken. never to be the same again.
So now here I am two years later. I am not sure my heart will ever be whole again. I was a happily married woman. I adored my husband. We had the kind of relationship that I fear many people don't ever get lucky enough to have. He made me laugh every single day....hell, he made me laugh during his chemotherapy. He was MY rock. He was the light of my soul and there has not been one single day that has gone by since his death that I havent thought about him. He will be with me forever because we were linked that close together, always were.
I wish I had more people to talk to that have been through what I have been through because sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy. There are so many things I want out of my life and one of them is I would like to get married again one day. Not to replace Brett because that is impossible, but I enjoyed being married and I can only hope I find someone again that fills my soul and that I can share an honest life with. I have my doubts that will ever happen and I'm not out searching for it to happen. I am involved with someone now who I have very strong feelings for but I'm not sure how the future will pan out.
I feel lonely most of the time really. I miss my daddy and I miss my husband....the two men in my life who were always there to lift me up. I have hopes that at some point in the future I will find happiness again.....
