Well it's Sunday night, before the beginning of my first full week back to work in really.....years. I have been working part time for the past 3 years because of Brett's medical coverage. I had to make under a certain amount in order to qualify for his medications and treatments. Now I am going to be back to work full time, it will be an adjustment for me but I am thrilled about having a job and even being ALLOWED to work full time!!
Thinking about working made me realize truly how much of my entire life revolved around Brett and/or his cancer. I love that man with every inch of my soul, heart and body but it was hard to live the life we lead. It was hard to constantly worry about him and worry about how to pay for his meds and treatments. It was terribly hard to watch him in pain and on his "bad" days. My whole mood for the day was always set by him and how he woke up that morning. I am by NO means happy not to have him anymore but I am starting to feel the release of a little bit of the pressure, stress and worrying. Sadly in some ways I believe I have been living on "auto-pilot" for the past 8 years. Dont get me wrong, there were some precious, happy moments mixed into those years.......that's what kept us going and loving each other everyday. It's just a bit of a shock to really take a look back and SEE what we have been going through. I feel stress now with surviving on my own, I feel pressure to be independent (because I have VERY few people I can trust and rely on), I still feel sadness for Brett and our lost life together............
But I also am starting to feel hope..........hope that maybe, just maybe, life might turn out ok afterall. I will always think of boo and our life, how can I not? We built our life togther, we had almost 12 years of history together as best friends and lovers. I will always smile when I think of him dancing around the living room because something really cool just happen. I will always laugh when I think of him saying "stop, woman stop" (he always cracked me up). I will always remember our first kiss and the day he proposed when he wrote "will you merry or marry me?" on the card. We laughed about that forever.....he was so adorable. He got down on one knee and opened the ring upside down. I adored that man.
I am starting to find some peace inside my heart for him, for us and for my future...
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Its been a while.....
I can't sleep, so I figured I would jot down something in this blog since its been forever since I've written anything. Things are going ok, some things are going really well, like school for example. I officially finishied AND passed my first quarter of Nursing school :-)!!!! I was so relieved to get my grades. I am very happy that I made it through the firs term and even though the second term (Med/Surg 1) is supposed to be known as the "hardest" term, the things I've learned this time around will help next time!
As of this past Thursday, I returned to work at United Resin Corporation. Up until 2 weeks before, I had nothing lined up as far as work goes. I was terrified that I wouldn't find anything, but luckily they were able to find work for me. Its good to be back, be "home" so to speak. I've worked there 8 years now and even though the place drives me INSANE sometimes, it is like a second family to me. The first day I worked was really hard because it was the first time I'd been back there since 2 days before Brett died. I can remember my last day there like it was yesterday, its the strangest thing. I remember the job I was working on and what I was thinking.....its freaky. Being back there made me sad because Brett was such a huge part of my "working day". I'd call him on my breaks and lunch to make sure he was doing ok. I was constantly thinking about him when I was at work. I work 45 minutes away from home and it always used to scare me that he would need me for something and it would take me so long to get to him. Walking through the doors Thursday morning was another slap in the face that he's really gone. I also work with his mom, which is good but somewhat sad as well. I also had a hard time AFTER work, walking in the door and not having him there to greet me. He was the BEST husband ever when it came to taking care of me. He did everything for me, he'd have coffee, diner, house clean and pets in line when I'd get home from work. He always had a smile and a hug for me......I missed that terribly on Thursday.
His birthday is coming up on the 25th and that is making me sad too. None of us knew last year that would end up being his last birthday......LIFE IS SHORT...........let my story be a true testiment to that people!! My heart is also broken for his twin, Kirk because I know his 37th birthday will always be the "first birthday without boo". I cant ever understand how he'll be feeling that day but my heart is with him. He's been a great friend since Brett's passed, Brett's mom has also been amazing to me. They both check on me and invite me over for diner......its really nice.
As of this past Thursday, I returned to work at United Resin Corporation. Up until 2 weeks before, I had nothing lined up as far as work goes. I was terrified that I wouldn't find anything, but luckily they were able to find work for me. Its good to be back, be "home" so to speak. I've worked there 8 years now and even though the place drives me INSANE sometimes, it is like a second family to me. The first day I worked was really hard because it was the first time I'd been back there since 2 days before Brett died. I can remember my last day there like it was yesterday, its the strangest thing. I remember the job I was working on and what I was thinking.....its freaky. Being back there made me sad because Brett was such a huge part of my "working day". I'd call him on my breaks and lunch to make sure he was doing ok. I was constantly thinking about him when I was at work. I work 45 minutes away from home and it always used to scare me that he would need me for something and it would take me so long to get to him. Walking through the doors Thursday morning was another slap in the face that he's really gone. I also work with his mom, which is good but somewhat sad as well. I also had a hard time AFTER work, walking in the door and not having him there to greet me. He was the BEST husband ever when it came to taking care of me. He did everything for me, he'd have coffee, diner, house clean and pets in line when I'd get home from work. He always had a smile and a hug for me......I missed that terribly on Thursday.
His birthday is coming up on the 25th and that is making me sad too. None of us knew last year that would end up being his last birthday......LIFE IS SHORT...........let my story be a true testiment to that people!! My heart is also broken for his twin, Kirk because I know his 37th birthday will always be the "first birthday without boo". I cant ever understand how he'll be feeling that day but my heart is with him. He's been a great friend since Brett's passed, Brett's mom has also been amazing to me. They both check on me and invite me over for diner......its really nice.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)