Thinking out loud, quietly...

Well it's Sunday night, before the beginning of my first full week back to work in really.....years.  I have been working part time for the past 3 years because of Brett's medical coverage.  I had to make under a certain amount in order to qualify for his medications and treatments.  Now I am going to be back to work full time, it will be an adjustment for me but I am thrilled about having a job and even being ALLOWED to work full time!!

Thinking about working made me realize truly how much of my entire life revolved around Brett and/or his cancer.  I love that man with every inch of my soul, heart and body but it was hard to live the life we lead.  It was hard to constantly worry about him and worry about how to pay for his meds and treatments.  It was terribly hard to watch him in pain and on his "bad" days.  My whole mood for the day was always set by him and how he woke up that morning.  I am by NO means happy not to have him anymore but I am starting to feel the release of a little bit of the pressure, stress and worrying.  Sadly in some ways I believe I have been living on "auto-pilot" for the past 8 years.  Dont get me wrong, there were some precious, happy moments mixed into those years.......that's what kept us going and loving each other everyday.  It's just a bit of a shock to really take a look back and SEE what we have been going through.  I feel stress now with surviving on  my own, I feel pressure to be independent (because I have VERY few people I can trust and rely on), I still feel sadness for Brett and our lost life together............

But I also am starting to feel hope..........hope that maybe, just maybe, life might turn out ok afterall.  I will always think of boo and our life, how can I not? We built our life togther, we had almost 12 years of history together as best friends and lovers.  I will always smile when I think of him dancing around the living room because something really cool just happen.  I will always laugh when I think of him saying "stop, woman stop" (he always cracked me up).  I will always remember our first kiss and the day he proposed when he wrote "will you merry or marry me?" on the card.  We laughed about that forever.....he was so adorable.  He got down on one knee and opened the ring upside down.  I adored that man. 

I am starting to find some peace inside my heart for him, for us and for my future...