This blog is going to be full of random thoughts....that's just where I'm at today!
Tomorrow morning I re-enter the world of nursing education. I've been off for a month now and it really seems like longer since I was done with this particular class half way through last time. It feels strange knowing I'm entering a whole new class.....I've gotten pretty close to the class I was in. The great thing however is that I have a GREAT group of ladies re-entering with me including my BFF :-) I washed my scrubs, did all my pre-reading and packed my back pack...I'm ready to go!
I'm super nervous about Tuesday however because I have to go into work. I know that it's going to be a rough day after the whole "fighting my unemployment" thing. Sad thing is I was so hurt by the whole situation that I'm actually dreading walking in there. I feel like I see the whole place differently now. I've worked there 9 years and I've grown to feel like they're all members of my extended family until this incident. It just shocked me and I took it very personally. I feel like they thought I was somehow trying to "screw" them by applying for benefits.....when really ALL I'm doing is trying to survive. I have a feeling the only reason they offered me Tuesday is because they were hoping I would turn it down "because of school" and then it would be my CHOICE to leave. I don't know it all feels fishy to me and its very upsetting :(
I have felt terribly sick all day today. I woke up 2 times last night with my knee absolutely ON FIRE. It was this excruciating burning pain that actually had me screaming (not full boar....but I was making noise lol). Then my hip started to burn as well. I still have to do some more research about osteoarthritis because I'm not sure if that's a symptom or not. I know my knee is hurting because it's injured and just getting worse every day I walk around on it "pretending there is nothing wrong" --> as my doctor puts it lol. It was starting to feel a tiny bit better until today. So all this burning pain and aching in my joints has made me a wreck today. I feel like I have no energy what so ever! I was supposed to go over and see Kirk but I didn't make it and that says a lot for me because I usually run over there no matter whats going on to see him. I have to admit I was a little hurt that he didn't come see ME. I do need to address this issue eventually because on days like today when I feel shitty, it would be nice not to spend the day alone. My phone was acting up all day as well so I couldn't even talk to anyone. Its been a shitty, sad day! yuck. Hopefully tomorrow is much better :)
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Today is the first day of a brand new year...2011. I can still remember clearly the turn of the year 2000, its amazing how fast the years go. We have entered a new decade and I truly hope it's a good one for everyone. The past decade has been such a struggle for me but I am going to try to look forward and see the good in life ahead and the possibility of change in the right direction.
The thing that trips me out of the most about the New Year is the fact that March is right around the corner....meaning that Brett will have been gone for a year. For some reason that keeps sticking in my head and I keep pondering over that fact. It seems so sureal to me how much my life has changed since he passed away. That part never gets easier.....how literally overnight every single thing in life can flip upside down. I go back to it everytime but it's almost like it happened in slow motion. For some reason I have this vivid view of myself lying in bed the night before everything happened. I can see myself getting frustrated with the damn cable going in and out while I was trying to watch my scrap booking show I had on DVR. I still remember the last "goodnight kiss" Brett gave me that night. As I gave him a hug and a kiss like every other night...he tucked me in....and that ended up being the last time. It's so strange how a seeminly regular night sticks in my mind so much.
I cannot describe the emotional rollar coaster I've been on since he died. Some days I can't get him out of my head. Our old apartment stands like a fricking time capsule since I moved out. Sometimes I have to drive right by it because my mom lives in the back of the complex. I have no idea why it hasn't been rented out. I see the fake snow I put on the windows last Christmas. There are NO words that can express how stuff like that makes me feel. Then there are some days when I feel strong and I feel like Brett is standing by me and I know everything will work out ok. I'm not sure I will ever stop loving him. That man changed everything about me and our relationship was special (sounds cliche but it was). I was blessed to have him in my life. Ok this is making me sad so I'm heading to bed!
Here's to a good year for all!
The thing that trips me out of the most about the New Year is the fact that March is right around the corner....meaning that Brett will have been gone for a year. For some reason that keeps sticking in my head and I keep pondering over that fact. It seems so sureal to me how much my life has changed since he passed away. That part never gets easier.....how literally overnight every single thing in life can flip upside down. I go back to it everytime but it's almost like it happened in slow motion. For some reason I have this vivid view of myself lying in bed the night before everything happened. I can see myself getting frustrated with the damn cable going in and out while I was trying to watch my scrap booking show I had on DVR. I still remember the last "goodnight kiss" Brett gave me that night. As I gave him a hug and a kiss like every other night...he tucked me in....and that ended up being the last time. It's so strange how a seeminly regular night sticks in my mind so much.
I cannot describe the emotional rollar coaster I've been on since he died. Some days I can't get him out of my head. Our old apartment stands like a fricking time capsule since I moved out. Sometimes I have to drive right by it because my mom lives in the back of the complex. I have no idea why it hasn't been rented out. I see the fake snow I put on the windows last Christmas. There are NO words that can express how stuff like that makes me feel. Then there are some days when I feel strong and I feel like Brett is standing by me and I know everything will work out ok. I'm not sure I will ever stop loving him. That man changed everything about me and our relationship was special (sounds cliche but it was). I was blessed to have him in my life. Ok this is making me sad so I'm heading to bed!
Here's to a good year for all!
Hello, Goodbye
Today is the first day of a brand new year...2011. I can still remember clearly the turn of the year 2000, its amazing how fast the years go. We have entered a new decade and I truly hope it's a good one for everyone. The past decade has been such a struggle for me but I am going to try to look forward and see the good in life ahead and the possibility of change in the right direction.
The thing that trips me out of the most about the New Year is the fact that March is right around the corner....meaning that Brett will have been gone for a year. For some reason that keeps sticking in my head and I keep pondering over that fact. It seems so sureal to me how much my life has changed since he passed away. That part never gets easier.....how literally overnight every single thing in life can flip upside down. I go back to it everytime but it's almost like it happened in slow motion. For some reason I have this vivid view of myself lying in bed the night before everything happened. I can see myself getting frustrated with the damn cable going in and out while I was trying to watch my scrap booking show I had on DVR. I still remember the last "goodnight kiss" Brett gave me that night. As I gave him a hug and a kiss like every other night...he tucked me in....and that ended up being the last time. It's so strange how a seeminly regular night sticks in my mind so much.
I cannot describe the emotional rollar coaster I've been on since he died. Some days I can't get him out of my head. Our old apartment stands like a fricking time capsule since I moved out. Sometimes I have to drive right by it because my mom lives in the back of the complex. I have no idea why it hasn't been rented out. I see the fake snow I put on the windows last Christmas. There are NO words that can express how stuff like that makes me feel. Then there are some days when I feel strong and I feel like Brett is standing by me and I know everything will work out ok. I'm not sure I will ever stop loving him. That man changed everything about me and our relationship was special (sounds cliche but it was). I was blessed to have him in my life. Ok this is making me sad so I'm heading to bed!
Here's to a good year for all!
The thing that trips me out of the most about the New Year is the fact that March is right around the corner....meaning that Brett will have been gone for a year. For some reason that keeps sticking in my head and I keep pondering over that fact. It seems so sureal to me how much my life has changed since he passed away. That part never gets easier.....how literally overnight every single thing in life can flip upside down. I go back to it everytime but it's almost like it happened in slow motion. For some reason I have this vivid view of myself lying in bed the night before everything happened. I can see myself getting frustrated with the damn cable going in and out while I was trying to watch my scrap booking show I had on DVR. I still remember the last "goodnight kiss" Brett gave me that night. As I gave him a hug and a kiss like every other night...he tucked me in....and that ended up being the last time. It's so strange how a seeminly regular night sticks in my mind so much.
I cannot describe the emotional rollar coaster I've been on since he died. Some days I can't get him out of my head. Our old apartment stands like a fricking time capsule since I moved out. Sometimes I have to drive right by it because my mom lives in the back of the complex. I have no idea why it hasn't been rented out. I see the fake snow I put on the windows last Christmas. There are NO words that can express how stuff like that makes me feel. Then there are some days when I feel strong and I feel like Brett is standing by me and I know everything will work out ok. I'm not sure I will ever stop loving him. That man changed everything about me and our relationship was special (sounds cliche but it was). I was blessed to have him in my life. Ok this is making me sad so I'm heading to bed!
Here's to a good year for all!
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