Changes....

So I have been doing a lot of thinking yesterday and today. I have come to some conclusions such as I need more time to think! I need to break away and separate myself from some relationships in my life that are becoming toxic. I have always been a people pleaser and it tears me up when I can't make someone I care about happy. I hate it when people are upset with me or don't like me (childish I know). I guess part of me is afraid of being alone. I grew up lonely and ever since my husband and my father passed away I've felt even more alone. I thought I had solved the problem but in turn may have ended up alienating myself even more. I want to be happy and I want to make myself happy an not rely on someone else for my happiness but this has always been a personal struggle of mine. I have deep rooted insecurities that have gotten better as I've grown older but they seem to rear their ugly head when things are rocky in my life or when I'm not getting what I need from someone. I can't control anyone or anything other than myself and I have to stop desperately trying to make things the way I hope and imagine they would be. Sometimes things just don't work out and I have to take responsibility for my part in that failure but not beat myself over the head with it.