Been doing some thinking...

I have found myself thinking a lot about Brett latley, my thoughts range from random memories to serious thoughts about where my life would be right now if I were still married and our dreams would have had a chance to come to fruition. There are days when I am STILL in shock that it all happened. I feel like I died the day he died and was reborn a different person. Everything about me changed the day I lost him. I always knew there was chance we could be seperated by the monster they call cancer but until that day I walked back into my apartment a brand new widow...I never expected to really face it. I remember that first time walking into our home, alone, like it was yesterday. The first thing I did was stop and look at a picture of us that was hanging on the way. It was a beautiful picture of us right after we had gotten engaged. We were both young and happy, full of hope. I screamed at that picture. I won't go into what I said but I was angry. There I stood shattered. broken. never to be the same again.

So now here I am two years later. I am not sure my heart will ever be whole again. I was a happily married woman. I adored my husband. We had the kind of relationship that I fear many people don't ever get lucky enough to have. He made me laugh every single day....hell, he made me laugh during his chemotherapy. He was MY rock. He was the light of my soul and there has not been one single day that has gone by since his death that I havent thought about him. He will be with me forever because we were linked that close together, always were.

I wish I had more people to talk to that have been through what I have been through because sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy. There are so many things I want out of my life and one of them is I would like to get married again one day. Not to replace Brett because that is impossible, but I enjoyed being married and I can only hope I find someone again that fills my soul and that I can share an honest life with. I have my doubts that will ever happen and I'm not out searching for it to happen. I am involved with someone now who I have very strong feelings for but I'm not sure how the future will pan out.

I feel lonely most of the time really. I miss my daddy and I miss my husband....the two men in my life who were always there to lift me up. I have hopes that at some point in the future I will find happiness again.....

Making changes

So after talking with my former MIL and a good friend of mine I have decided to start the weight watchers program. I have never done it before but have heard nothing but good things. My goal is to lose 20 pounds (maybe more will follow but that's my initial goal). I'm really hoping that by following a plan that doesn't force me to completely deprive myself will help to teach me how to make lifestyle changes, and learn to eat better. The exercise part is not hard for me because I already walk pretty much everyday but I plan on adding some strength training exercises as well. I have to say I'm both excited and nervous. For now I'm starting with a commitment to myself that I will do it for 3 months and hopefully lose the full 20 pounds in the process :-)

I. Can. Do. This.

I want to be skinnier..

So I was looking at myself in the mirror today which is never a really good idea because of course I didn't like what I saw. For years and years I never struggled with my weight. When I first started college I gained 50 pounds because I ate a lot but when I made the decision to lose it, all it took was me eating less and it was all gone plus some in about a year.
So now I find myself chunky. Way chunkier than I want to be. I don't really eat that much but my habits are bad. I can admit that. I eat late at night and when I'm busy with work and school I eat fast food more than I should. I have been exercising more by walking. I was walking consistently every day but my schedule got really busy and the weather turned hot so now I only walk about twice a week.
I really want to be thinner and more in shape. I don't need to be stick thin or that kind of madness I just want to feel better and more confident like I used to.
I have always struggled with will power meaning I have none of it. It didn't really matter before because I had no problems losing weight but now it does matter. When I'm upset, bored, over tired or studying I don't care what I eat. I don't have the inner voice to say no to the cookies or pizza. I just don't and I don't know how to change that.
Another problem I have is that one of the medications I'm on causes weight gain and I have spoken to my doc about going off of it. It's an anti-anxiety med that I went on after Brett died because I literally was having anxiety attacks. I think I would be ok without the medication but as I've started to taper off of it my anxiety has increased and I get terrible dizziness on the low dose days. My doc said this was a common side effect of going off this med.
I need advice. Real advice for people who aren't naturally inclined to just start working out and go on some extreme diet. That's not me. How do I get motivated? How can I increase my self esteem and feel better about myself? Does anyone else struggle with these issues?

15 years ago today....

So as per one of my Facebook friends, I am now well aware that exactly 15 years ago today I graduated from high school. Also on this day the Detroit red wings won the Stanley cup which I remember watching from our senior all night party! I can't believe it's really been 15 years already. So much has changed since then and I can't help but think of what the next 15 years will bring. I actually enjoyed high school, I had good friends and took trips with my show choir group. I have fond memories unlike most :-)
After high school I went straight to a local college and then a year later moved away to college at CMU. That's where I met my amazing husband to whom this blog was inspired by. We both were 2 semesters away from graduation when he was diagnosed with cancer. My dad was also diagnosed with the same form of cancer 2 months before brett was needless to say that was a rough year I quit school and moved back home to the Detroit area to be with him and my parent through their treatments. A year after that we moved BACK to Mt. Pleasant to try and finish school. Got one more semester out of the way and found out his cancer had already came back and he needed his first of two stem cell transplants. We moved home again and started the process. In late 2002 we got married <3. We always struggled financially and our lives seem to revolve around sickness but bottom line we had a great marriage and I wouldn't trade a second of it. In 2007 my dad passed away after receiving his own stem cell transplant. This was also the year I started working towards my nursing degree. In march of 2010 I lost my love :-( I started into the nursing program exactly 10 days after he passed away.

Sometimes it all seems like a blur. It's been a rough 15 years but there were some great memories and many blessings mixed in there.

Changes....

So I have been doing a lot of thinking yesterday and today. I have come to some conclusions such as I need more time to think! I need to break away and separate myself from some relationships in my life that are becoming toxic. I have always been a people pleaser and it tears me up when I can't make someone I care about happy. I hate it when people are upset with me or don't like me (childish I know). I guess part of me is afraid of being alone. I grew up lonely and ever since my husband and my father passed away I've felt even more alone. I thought I had solved the problem but in turn may have ended up alienating myself even more. I want to be happy and I want to make myself happy an not rely on someone else for my happiness but this has always been a personal struggle of mine. I have deep rooted insecurities that have gotten better as I've grown older but they seem to rear their ugly head when things are rocky in my life or when I'm not getting what I need from someone. I can't control anyone or anything other than myself and I have to stop desperately trying to make things the way I hope and imagine they would be. Sometimes things just don't work out and I have to take responsibility for my part in that failure but not beat myself over the head with it.

So as I opened this blog which has been tucked away in the recesses of my mind...I could not believe its been so long since I've posted. I find writing cathartic and I have been journaling on and off but I really want to get back into blogging again. So here goes!
I really should be sleeping because I have a ginormous history final exam at 9am in the morning. No more nursing classes for me :( unfortunately I did not make it through the nursing program. In December of last year I found out that I "failed" one of my classes by 3 points. Yup 3 points determined my future. I received an 83% in a class that required an 84% to move on in the program. So on the day before my 33rd birthday I had my meeting with the program directors and was officially dismissed from the nursing program I had been working for 5 years to get through.  Next to the day I lost my husband and my daddy, that was one of the hardest days of my life. I will never forget driving home from the meeting that day with tears streaming from my face. I was devastated to put it mildly. I still have harsh feelings about the whole thing but I cannot focus on it. I have to move forward (story of my life!). So as of right now I am finishing up my Bachelor's Degree of Health care Administration (graduating in January of 2013) and then going to work on getting a BSN through an accelerated second degree program at Oakland University! I will still become a nurse one day!

Quick update on some other things....I was laid off from my job of 8 years in December of 2010 which led to me eventually losing my apartment last summer. THANKFULLY I have amazing in-laws and they took me in because I literally had nowhere else to go. I do not have any family other than my mother (that is a strained relationship these days) so I cannot stress how grateful I am to have Brett's mom and brother who allowed me and my 2 dogs to move into their house last June. I honestly do not know where I would be without them.

As for how I am dealing with this whole widowhood thing......I still have my moments. Brett has been gone 2 years and almost 3 months. I think of him almost everyday and I can truly say I have been changed forever. I will never EVER be the same person again. The day he died a literal piece of me died as well and there is nothing I can do to change that. There are days I feel alone, there are days I feel thankful, there are days I lose hope, there are days I am laughing on the inside with memories but everyday no matter what is going on....he remains in my heart.  I still say that I am one of the lucky ones because I had an amazing man who truly loved me and I had a very happy marriage even with the cancer and struggles.  Brett will always be my hero <3

The night before school......

This blog is going to be full of random thoughts....that's just where I'm at today!


Tomorrow morning I re-enter the world of nursing education.  I've been off for a month now and it really seems like longer since I was done with this particular class half way through last time.  It feels strange knowing I'm entering a whole new class.....I've gotten pretty close to the class I was in.  The great thing however is that I have a GREAT group of ladies re-entering with me including my BFF :-) I washed my scrubs, did all my pre-reading and packed my back pack...I'm ready to go!


I'm super nervous about Tuesday however because I have to go into work.  I know that it's going to be a rough day after the whole "fighting my unemployment" thing.  Sad thing is I was so hurt by the whole situation that I'm actually dreading walking in there.  I feel like I see the whole place differently now.  I've worked there 9 years and I've grown to feel like they're all members of  my extended family until this incident.  It just shocked me and I took it very personally.  I feel like they thought I was somehow trying to "screw" them by applying for benefits.....when really ALL I'm doing is trying to survive.  I have a feeling the only reason they offered me Tuesday is because they were hoping I would turn it down "because of school" and then it would be my CHOICE to leave.  I don't know it all feels fishy to me and its very upsetting :(


I have felt terribly sick all day today.  I woke up 2 times last night with my knee absolutely ON FIRE.  It was this excruciating burning pain that actually had me screaming (not full boar....but I was making noise lol).  Then my hip started to burn as well.  I still have to do some more research about osteoarthritis because I'm not sure if that's a symptom or not.  I know my knee is hurting because it's injured and just getting worse every day I walk around on it "pretending there is nothing wrong" --> as my doctor puts it lol.  It was starting to feel a tiny bit better until today.  So all this burning pain and aching in my joints has made me a wreck today.  I feel like I have no energy what so ever! I was supposed to go over and see Kirk but I didn't make it and that says a lot for me because I usually run over there no matter whats going on to see him.  I have to admit I was a little hurt that he didn't come see ME.  I do need to address this issue eventually because on days like today when I feel shitty, it would be nice not to spend the day alone.  My phone was acting up all day as well so I couldn't even talk to anyone.  Its been a shitty, sad day! yuck. Hopefully tomorrow is much better :)