Having a hard time figuring out what to do now........

This week so far I haven't been to work.  This was supposed to be my last week at work, tomorrow being my big farewell to United Resin Corporation.  My bosses are throwing me a "going away" party tomorrow and they have asked me to come in for it anyways, even though technically my last day was last Tuesday.  So this week, I've been home.  This is a good thing since it's so hard for my to even move, let alone think about working.  Most of the time I sit on the couch and stare at the TV, I don't watch it, I just stare at it.  The wall behind my TV is filled with pictures of the life Brett and I shared.  The hard thing to come to terms with is that EVERYTHING has changed.  My entire life has changed now.  Its no longer "us against the world".....its ME against the world (so to speak).  Throughout the years of Brett's sickness we secluded ourselves from family and friends because most of the time he felt the best being home with me and the puppies.  Every night was spent together talking and watching "our shows".  I do not know how to move on knowing that the life we had as of last week is now gone forever.  I know I've said it a million times in this blog but I still can't wrap my head around the fact that things can change so quickly.  My bedroom is like a time capsule, capturing all the moments when Brett was still here.  There's a stain on the carpet from the morning I found him on the floor.  I thought at first that he was having a low blood sugar attack so I tried to give him Coke and he spilled it.  His hat and glasses are on the dresser.  His clothes are all over the dresser and floor (because he was always messy with his clothes).  The bathroom counter still has his toothbrush, AXE body spray and deodorant.  His body cream (that he used for his GVHD skin) is still sitting right next to the bed because he often had to get up in the middle of the night to put it on.  The first 2 nights after he died it felt good to be in my bedroom, holding his blanket that still smells like him and crying myself to sleep.  The last few nights however I can't seem to go in there....so I've been sleeping on the couch.  When I was doing laundry today I started to do some of his and broke down, so now I've thrown it all in laundry baskets and put it aside.  I figure eventually I'll go through all of his clothes and figure what to keep, donate and throw away.  He has a dresser drawer where he always kept his "guy stuff" like his video games, watch, reciepts, special things he's saved that I gave him.  I keep looking at that drawer when I walk in the bedroom, but I haven't opened it yet. 

Yesterday I was able to compose myself enough to go through pictures and music for his memorial.  Music meant so much to him and it was something that brought us together in the beginning.  I know how important it was to him to have HIS music playing at his memorial so I burned 2 CD's to play there.  I just went into a zone and worked on the CD's. 

This was taken back in 2004 when Brett bought me my first digital camera....we were messing around with the self-timer!

Brett and Ashley (our very first pet as a married couple)

I always called this picture "hoodies".....poor Mikey! lol

I believe this was taken in the summer of 2006 at my in-law's house for a fireworks party

This one is a little blurry because it was taken with my old cell phone - Christmas 2005

I don't know which end is up.............

Day 6............

I haven't been doing much other than sitting at home alone the past few days.  That is honestly where I feel the best.  I have the windows open because its a warm sunny day, the only problem is that a warm and sunny day makes me think of Brett.  Who am I kidding? everything makes me think of him.  I still can't believe he's actually gone now.  I keep thinking back to last week before all of this happened, I look at stupid pictures we took of the dog 2 days before Brett died.....I keep thinking "wow, we had no idea what was coming".  If you would have talked to me last Monday and said that by the end of the following week I would be without a husband....I would'nt have believed it.  We've been dealing with this whole cancer-death-reality thing for years now, we talked about it happening and we both knew it could happen at any time.  For some reason, now that it actually HAS happened I can't believe it.  I guess I always thought we had at least a few more years.  I knew that planning for 30 years from now was a stretch but I thought planning for next year wasn't, or next month, or next week.  Our entire focus before this happened was me starting school.  I was selfishly involved in all the pre-start crap I had to do for the Nursing program.  Brett was helping me by reminding me, making phone calls, looking stuff up online for me.  Looking back now, I feel so selfish.  The night before he got sick was a night just like any other.  I had fallen asleep on the couch because I didn't feel well, he was playing with his iPOD.  When he tucked me in that night, it was "normal".  I can remember lying in bed worrying about school and trying to find something to watch on TV.....NEVER knowing that hours from that point, I would wake up to Brett lying on the floor in  my bedroom.  I never thought that the following evening he would be on life support, the afternoon after that he would be dead.

So now here I sit, in my empty apartment.  I look outside at the sunshine and I keep thinking of everything that could've been.  I start school in 5 days and I am going to have to do it without him.  I never thought I could do it without him.  Every single decision, thought, plan, feeling and dream I EVER had revolved around him.  I needed him.  I miss him.  I want him.  I can never have him again. 

This picture was taken almost (to the day) exactly one year ago.....I never knew at the time I only had one year left with my love

This pictures of Brett was taken in the summer of 2007 - holding our brand new puppy at the time..Luke. This was such a happy night spent with family and friends

Brett and I - engagement picture, taken summer 2002

This is day 5.....

Today marks the fifth day I have spent without my love by my side.  I feel ok when I am at home in the comfort of my own surroudings.  Yesterday I ventured out to see the people I work with, it was nice but I had a hard time because the last time I was at work....Brett was alive and doing well.  I was so exhaused when I got home all I could do was stare at the TV.  My dogs have been a good distraction because they need my constant attention.  It's also nice because they haven't left my side since all this happened.  When Brett was alive, he took care of the dogs most of the time because I was always busy with work and school.  They always slept with him, so I was pretty surprised when they started sleeping with me. 

I also wanted to quickly explain the title of my blog....."Cancer and widowhood cannot...."  I got that title from a poem I read years ago called "cancer cannot".  I have added this poem below to explain my point....

"Cancer is so limited. . .

It cannot cripple Love.
It cannot shatter Hope.
It cannot corrode Faith.
It cannot destroy Peace.
It cannot kill Friendship.
It cannot suppress Memories.
It cannot silence Courage.
It cannot invade the Soul.
It cannot steal eternal Life.
It cannot conquer the Spirit
- auther unknown

I have joined the crappy club.....

On March 25, 2010 my dear sweet husband of 7 1/2 years, Brett, passed away after an 8 year battle with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. He was doing quite well but suddenly became ill early Wednesday morning. After being rushed by ambulance to the ER, they discovered that he had sepsis (blood poisoning). The original infection that caused the sepsis was said to be bacterial pneumonia. Up until Wednesday morning when I awoke to find him lying on my bedroom floor, he was living and fighting with his cancer. He felt pretty good most days and seemed to be able to get up and move around quite well. As of 2 weeks ago at his most recent doctors checkup, we discussed him continuing to fight. He told me many times that if the cancer took him, he wanted to die fighting and this is exactly what he did.

When I say in the title that I've joined the "club".....I'm referring to being a widow. That is so hard to me to say.....I'm a widow. I no longer have a husband. On Tuesday I had a husband and now its Sunday night and I sit here typing this without one. I look next me in the chair he used to sit in and its empty. His clothes are still all around the house, theres a grocery list that he made Tuesday night, his keys hang by the door, his car sits outside my apartment......but he's no longer here. My wall and bookcases are covered with pictures of us throughout our 10 years together.

My heart feels empty, I am a deflated shell of being right now. I walk around and its almost like someone is controlling me with puppet strings because I feel like I'm outside my body. I keep thinking he's just gone at the store or in the hospital sick (which with the cancer had happen many times before). I always knew it was a possibility that he may die but I never expected it to happen so soon....we didn't have enough time. I am crushed. I promised him that I would live my life for him. I promised that I would NOT crawl into a hole and die and I will hold to that promise. Right now however, 3 days afer he's passed away.....I can barely hold my head up.