On March 25, 2010 my dear sweet husband of 7 1/2 years, Brett, passed away after an 8 year battle with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. He was doing quite well but suddenly became ill early Wednesday morning. After being rushed by ambulance to the ER, they discovered that he had sepsis (blood poisoning). The original infection that caused the sepsis was said to be bacterial pneumonia. Up until Wednesday morning when I awoke to find him lying on my bedroom floor, he was living and fighting with his cancer. He felt pretty good most days and seemed to be able to get up and move around quite well. As of 2 weeks ago at his most recent doctors checkup, we discussed him continuing to fight. He told me many times that if the cancer took him, he wanted to die fighting and this is exactly what he did.
When I say in the title that I've joined the "club".....I'm referring to being a widow. That is so hard to me to say.....I'm a widow. I no longer have a husband. On Tuesday I had a husband and now its Sunday night and I sit here typing this without one. I look next me in the chair he used to sit in and its empty. His clothes are still all around the house, theres a grocery list that he made Tuesday night, his keys hang by the door, his car sits outside my apartment......but he's no longer here. My wall and bookcases are covered with pictures of us throughout our 10 years together.
My heart feels empty, I am a deflated shell of being right now. I walk around and its almost like someone is controlling me with puppet strings because I feel like I'm outside my body. I keep thinking he's just gone at the store or in the hospital sick (which with the cancer had happen many times before). I always knew it was a possibility that he may die but I never expected it to happen so soon....we didn't have enough time. I am crushed. I promised him that I would live my life for him. I promised that I would NOT crawl into a hole and die and I will hold to that promise. Right now however, 3 days afer he's passed away.....I can barely hold my head up.
Nicki, I just wanted to say thank you for sharing with all of us through facebook and now with this site. It helps to know how you are and to not feel so far away. Hearing about Brett and memories is difficult and comforting at the same time. I'm glad that you are letting all of us in at your most difficult time. I wish so much that things were different...
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