Day 6............

I haven't been doing much other than sitting at home alone the past few days.  That is honestly where I feel the best.  I have the windows open because its a warm sunny day, the only problem is that a warm and sunny day makes me think of Brett.  Who am I kidding? everything makes me think of him.  I still can't believe he's actually gone now.  I keep thinking back to last week before all of this happened, I look at stupid pictures we took of the dog 2 days before Brett died.....I keep thinking "wow, we had no idea what was coming".  If you would have talked to me last Monday and said that by the end of the following week I would be without a husband....I would'nt have believed it.  We've been dealing with this whole cancer-death-reality thing for years now, we talked about it happening and we both knew it could happen at any time.  For some reason, now that it actually HAS happened I can't believe it.  I guess I always thought we had at least a few more years.  I knew that planning for 30 years from now was a stretch but I thought planning for next year wasn't, or next month, or next week.  Our entire focus before this happened was me starting school.  I was selfishly involved in all the pre-start crap I had to do for the Nursing program.  Brett was helping me by reminding me, making phone calls, looking stuff up online for me.  Looking back now, I feel so selfish.  The night before he got sick was a night just like any other.  I had fallen asleep on the couch because I didn't feel well, he was playing with his iPOD.  When he tucked me in that night, it was "normal".  I can remember lying in bed worrying about school and trying to find something to watch on TV.....NEVER knowing that hours from that point, I would wake up to Brett lying on the floor in  my bedroom.  I never thought that the following evening he would be on life support, the afternoon after that he would be dead.

So now here I sit, in my empty apartment.  I look outside at the sunshine and I keep thinking of everything that could've been.  I start school in 5 days and I am going to have to do it without him.  I never thought I could do it without him.  Every single decision, thought, plan, feeling and dream I EVER had revolved around him.  I needed him.  I miss him.  I want him.  I can never have him again. 

This picture was taken almost (to the day) exactly one year ago.....I never knew at the time I only had one year left with my love