Having a hard time figuring out what to do now........

This week so far I haven't been to work.  This was supposed to be my last week at work, tomorrow being my big farewell to United Resin Corporation.  My bosses are throwing me a "going away" party tomorrow and they have asked me to come in for it anyways, even though technically my last day was last Tuesday.  So this week, I've been home.  This is a good thing since it's so hard for my to even move, let alone think about working.  Most of the time I sit on the couch and stare at the TV, I don't watch it, I just stare at it.  The wall behind my TV is filled with pictures of the life Brett and I shared.  The hard thing to come to terms with is that EVERYTHING has changed.  My entire life has changed now.  Its no longer "us against the world".....its ME against the world (so to speak).  Throughout the years of Brett's sickness we secluded ourselves from family and friends because most of the time he felt the best being home with me and the puppies.  Every night was spent together talking and watching "our shows".  I do not know how to move on knowing that the life we had as of last week is now gone forever.  I know I've said it a million times in this blog but I still can't wrap my head around the fact that things can change so quickly.  My bedroom is like a time capsule, capturing all the moments when Brett was still here.  There's a stain on the carpet from the morning I found him on the floor.  I thought at first that he was having a low blood sugar attack so I tried to give him Coke and he spilled it.  His hat and glasses are on the dresser.  His clothes are all over the dresser and floor (because he was always messy with his clothes).  The bathroom counter still has his toothbrush, AXE body spray and deodorant.  His body cream (that he used for his GVHD skin) is still sitting right next to the bed because he often had to get up in the middle of the night to put it on.  The first 2 nights after he died it felt good to be in my bedroom, holding his blanket that still smells like him and crying myself to sleep.  The last few nights however I can't seem to go in there....so I've been sleeping on the couch.  When I was doing laundry today I started to do some of his and broke down, so now I've thrown it all in laundry baskets and put it aside.  I figure eventually I'll go through all of his clothes and figure what to keep, donate and throw away.  He has a dresser drawer where he always kept his "guy stuff" like his video games, watch, reciepts, special things he's saved that I gave him.  I keep looking at that drawer when I walk in the bedroom, but I haven't opened it yet. 

Yesterday I was able to compose myself enough to go through pictures and music for his memorial.  Music meant so much to him and it was something that brought us together in the beginning.  I know how important it was to him to have HIS music playing at his memorial so I burned 2 CD's to play there.  I just went into a zone and worked on the CD's. 

This was taken back in 2004 when Brett bought me my first digital camera....we were messing around with the self-timer!

Brett and Ashley (our very first pet as a married couple)

I always called this picture "hoodies".....poor Mikey! lol

I believe this was taken in the summer of 2006 at my in-law's house for a fireworks party

This one is a little blurry because it was taken with my old cell phone - Christmas 2005

I don't know which end is up.............