Cancer and widowhood cannot.....: Stupid internet!

I feel like a crazy person staring at the damn lights on my modem.....my internet has been working sporatically and its driving me batty. I spent an hour on the phone with WOW today trying to fix it only for them to tell me that someone had to come out. So I was sitting there tonight watching TV and I saw that the "cable light" was on solid....wooohoooo....blog time!

Today was a productive day for me. I opened up a new bank account, applied for unemployment and food stamps, and paid my electric bill. Now that I'm not working and not in school until January 10th I have become "miss lazy pants". Its so hard to get my ass off the fricking couch. The piggles (my dogs) and I are all starting to meld together. Today I knew I had some stuff I HAD to do so I got up and did it which made me feel good. Some of my problem I'm sure is depression. Sometimes I get into these moods where I just feel like I don't care about anything anymore. Like I described it to my mom "the world could fall apart around me I don't care". That has NEVER been me. I always try to stay positive and look towards the future. I'm not sure whats going on but I'm sure it has a hell of a lot to do with Brett. I still think about him all the time and wonder what life would be like now if he was still alive. Christmas day marked 9 months since he's died and in some ways it feels like YEARS. My entire life is so different now.....I'm dating someone (one day I'll explain that whole situation) and I have strong feelings for him. But on the other hand I am still greiving my husband and sometimes I even cry out "I just want my husband back". It feels like he was the the only one sometimes that truly understood me. We had one hell of a life together and I don't think I'll EVER stop missing him. I have such a close relationship with his mother (better than the one I have with my own) which I am so grateful for. She's really been my rock and I go to her for everything.

So the moral of the story today is that I DONT want to be depressed, I want to look forward and make positive changes. I just have to keep pushing ahead and not look back.