Today is the first day of a brand new year...2011. I can still remember clearly the turn of the year 2000, its amazing how fast the years go. We have entered a new decade and I truly hope it's a good one for everyone. The past decade has been such a struggle for me but I am going to try to look forward and see the good in life ahead and the possibility of change in the right direction.
The thing that trips me out of the most about the New Year is the fact that March is right around the corner....meaning that Brett will have been gone for a year. For some reason that keeps sticking in my head and I keep pondering over that fact. It seems so sureal to me how much my life has changed since he passed away. That part never gets easier.....how literally overnight every single thing in life can flip upside down. I go back to it everytime but it's almost like it happened in slow motion. For some reason I have this vivid view of myself lying in bed the night before everything happened. I can see myself getting frustrated with the damn cable going in and out while I was trying to watch my scrap booking show I had on DVR. I still remember the last "goodnight kiss" Brett gave me that night. As I gave him a hug and a kiss like every other night...he tucked me in....and that ended up being the last time. It's so strange how a seeminly regular night sticks in my mind so much.
I cannot describe the emotional rollar coaster I've been on since he died. Some days I can't get him out of my head. Our old apartment stands like a fricking time capsule since I moved out. Sometimes I have to drive right by it because my mom lives in the back of the complex. I have no idea why it hasn't been rented out. I see the fake snow I put on the windows last Christmas. There are NO words that can express how stuff like that makes me feel. Then there are some days when I feel strong and I feel like Brett is standing by me and I know everything will work out ok. I'm not sure I will ever stop loving him. That man changed everything about me and our relationship was special (sounds cliche but it was). I was blessed to have him in my life. Ok this is making me sad so I'm heading to bed!
Here's to a good year for all!
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Hello, Goodbye
Today is the first day of a brand new year...2011. I can still remember clearly the turn of the year 2000, its amazing how fast the years go. We have entered a new decade and I truly hope it's a good one for everyone. The past decade has been such a struggle for me but I am going to try to look forward and see the good in life ahead and the possibility of change in the right direction.
The thing that trips me out of the most about the New Year is the fact that March is right around the corner....meaning that Brett will have been gone for a year. For some reason that keeps sticking in my head and I keep pondering over that fact. It seems so sureal to me how much my life has changed since he passed away. That part never gets easier.....how literally overnight every single thing in life can flip upside down. I go back to it everytime but it's almost like it happened in slow motion. For some reason I have this vivid view of myself lying in bed the night before everything happened. I can see myself getting frustrated with the damn cable going in and out while I was trying to watch my scrap booking show I had on DVR. I still remember the last "goodnight kiss" Brett gave me that night. As I gave him a hug and a kiss like every other night...he tucked me in....and that ended up being the last time. It's so strange how a seeminly regular night sticks in my mind so much.
I cannot describe the emotional rollar coaster I've been on since he died. Some days I can't get him out of my head. Our old apartment stands like a fricking time capsule since I moved out. Sometimes I have to drive right by it because my mom lives in the back of the complex. I have no idea why it hasn't been rented out. I see the fake snow I put on the windows last Christmas. There are NO words that can express how stuff like that makes me feel. Then there are some days when I feel strong and I feel like Brett is standing by me and I know everything will work out ok. I'm not sure I will ever stop loving him. That man changed everything about me and our relationship was special (sounds cliche but it was). I was blessed to have him in my life. Ok this is making me sad so I'm heading to bed!
Here's to a good year for all!
The thing that trips me out of the most about the New Year is the fact that March is right around the corner....meaning that Brett will have been gone for a year. For some reason that keeps sticking in my head and I keep pondering over that fact. It seems so sureal to me how much my life has changed since he passed away. That part never gets easier.....how literally overnight every single thing in life can flip upside down. I go back to it everytime but it's almost like it happened in slow motion. For some reason I have this vivid view of myself lying in bed the night before everything happened. I can see myself getting frustrated with the damn cable going in and out while I was trying to watch my scrap booking show I had on DVR. I still remember the last "goodnight kiss" Brett gave me that night. As I gave him a hug and a kiss like every other night...he tucked me in....and that ended up being the last time. It's so strange how a seeminly regular night sticks in my mind so much.
I cannot describe the emotional rollar coaster I've been on since he died. Some days I can't get him out of my head. Our old apartment stands like a fricking time capsule since I moved out. Sometimes I have to drive right by it because my mom lives in the back of the complex. I have no idea why it hasn't been rented out. I see the fake snow I put on the windows last Christmas. There are NO words that can express how stuff like that makes me feel. Then there are some days when I feel strong and I feel like Brett is standing by me and I know everything will work out ok. I'm not sure I will ever stop loving him. That man changed everything about me and our relationship was special (sounds cliche but it was). I was blessed to have him in my life. Ok this is making me sad so I'm heading to bed!
Here's to a good year for all!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Insomnia, my old friend
Well it's currently 1:58am and I'm sure I won't be sleeping for another hour or so....if not more. Last night I was up until almost 5:30am so I didn't wake up until noon. Then I took a nap this afternoon. I hate being on this sleeping schedule. I like sleeping in but not till noon everyday. This always happens to me when I'm not working or in school. I always end up not being able to sleep....it bugs the hell out of me.
I went over to visit Kirk tonight after my nap. He was so tired he fell asleep on me like 3 times. I finally decided to leave around midnight because I felt really bad, like I was keeping him from resting. He seemed upset when I left but I didn't know what else to do. He's worked all week and I didn't want to get in the way of him getting some good sleep. Tomorrow is New Years Eve and him and Lisa are coming to chill at my house :) so I need him to get sleep tonight so he doesnt fall asleep on me tomorrow night lol.
This is a short blog because I really don't have much else to say...just didn't want to let a day go by without writing something so here ya go, my life is so exciting! lmao
I went over to visit Kirk tonight after my nap. He was so tired he fell asleep on me like 3 times. I finally decided to leave around midnight because I felt really bad, like I was keeping him from resting. He seemed upset when I left but I didn't know what else to do. He's worked all week and I didn't want to get in the way of him getting some good sleep. Tomorrow is New Years Eve and him and Lisa are coming to chill at my house :) so I need him to get sleep tonight so he doesnt fall asleep on me tomorrow night lol.
This is a short blog because I really don't have much else to say...just didn't want to let a day go by without writing something so here ya go, my life is so exciting! lmao
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Decent day today :)
I didn't do a whole lot today but overall it was a pretty good day. I went to the bank this morning to get a cashiers check to pay my rent (DECEMBERS....eeek). It was so nice to have that off my back. Once I handed them the check however, all I could think about was how the hell I was going to pay January's rent! which is due in 2 days. When I was in the office, I spoke to the apartment manager and let her know I had been laid off. She seemed like she was somewhat understanding and I think they'll work with me. Trouble is.....I have no income! hopefully I'll hear from unemployment soon.
After the bank I just came home and chilled. I picked up my apartment a little, took a nice hot shower and laid on the couch for a few hours. It was nice to lay there and atleast know that my rent and electric were paid (both I've been struggling to pay for a while lol). I hate to say that I've gotten to this horrible financial state....but I have. I'm staying positive though, I know something will work out and I'll be ok. Today I finally sort of realized that.
Later on in the day I went over to Kirk's to have dinner with him and Pam. That was nice because its always good to see Kirk and Pam! I watched TV with Kirk for a little bit and snuggled. I have to say he is by far the BEST damn snuggler there is out there. I could lay with him forever I swear. I feel very safe when I'm with him and possibly the only time I feel relaxed. I'm starting to really adore that man. He drives me MORE than batty sometimes but he means the world to me and I know with every ounce of my being that he is one of the good ones and I'm not letting him go. We mesh well together and he makes me smile so I'm going with it.
Incase you all missed it.....yes.....I'm dating my former brother in law, Brett's twin. Honestly it just happened, there was no prethought or intention on either of our parts. We have always been close because him and Brett were inseperable. I can't explain it totally but it makes sense to me. I know in my heart that Brett would be ok with it because he would want both of us to be happy. The only opinions that truly matter to me are Bretts and my mother in law's. Pam is completley ok with it, she honestly supports it which is really nice. It is what it is and it's my decision :)
One bad thing did happen when I got home though. I fell outside while attempting to take the trash out. I had 2 bags of trash and was trying to walk....(key word trying) and the next thing I knew I was all spralled out with garbage everywhere. I scraped and twisted my bad knee but I feel ok right now so I don't think I did any more harm, hopefully.
To end this blog I'd like to say that I have falled in best friend love with Lisa Kuhn! that girl fricking cracks me up and is always there to make me smile. I'm so gald I met her in school and honestly could not do any of this without her. I'm not kissing ass just because I know she'll read this...I really adore that girl! xoxo
After the bank I just came home and chilled. I picked up my apartment a little, took a nice hot shower and laid on the couch for a few hours. It was nice to lay there and atleast know that my rent and electric were paid (both I've been struggling to pay for a while lol). I hate to say that I've gotten to this horrible financial state....but I have. I'm staying positive though, I know something will work out and I'll be ok. Today I finally sort of realized that.
Later on in the day I went over to Kirk's to have dinner with him and Pam. That was nice because its always good to see Kirk and Pam! I watched TV with Kirk for a little bit and snuggled. I have to say he is by far the BEST damn snuggler there is out there. I could lay with him forever I swear. I feel very safe when I'm with him and possibly the only time I feel relaxed. I'm starting to really adore that man. He drives me MORE than batty sometimes but he means the world to me and I know with every ounce of my being that he is one of the good ones and I'm not letting him go. We mesh well together and he makes me smile so I'm going with it.
Incase you all missed it.....yes.....I'm dating my former brother in law, Brett's twin. Honestly it just happened, there was no prethought or intention on either of our parts. We have always been close because him and Brett were inseperable. I can't explain it totally but it makes sense to me. I know in my heart that Brett would be ok with it because he would want both of us to be happy. The only opinions that truly matter to me are Bretts and my mother in law's. Pam is completley ok with it, she honestly supports it which is really nice. It is what it is and it's my decision :)
One bad thing did happen when I got home though. I fell outside while attempting to take the trash out. I had 2 bags of trash and was trying to walk....(key word trying) and the next thing I knew I was all spralled out with garbage everywhere. I scraped and twisted my bad knee but I feel ok right now so I don't think I did any more harm, hopefully.
To end this blog I'd like to say that I have falled in best friend love with Lisa Kuhn! that girl fricking cracks me up and is always there to make me smile. I'm so gald I met her in school and honestly could not do any of this without her. I'm not kissing ass just because I know she'll read this...I really adore that girl! xoxo
Stupid internet!
I feel like a crazy person staring at the damn lights on my modem.....my internet has been working sporatically and its driving me batty. I spent an hour on the phone with WOW today trying to fix it only for them to tell me that someone had to come out. So I was sitting there tonight watching TV and I saw that the "cable light" was on solid....wooohoooo....blog time!
Today was a productive day for me. I opened up a new bank account, applied for unemployment and food stamps, and paid my electric bill. Now that I'm not working and not in school until January 10th I have become "miss lazy pants". Its so hard to get my ass off the fricking couch. The piggles (my dogs) and I are all starting to meld together. Today I knew I had some stuff I HAD to do so I got up and did it which made me feel good. Some of my problem I'm sure is depression. Sometimes I get into these moods where I just feel like I don't care about anything anymore. Like I described it to my mom "the world could fall apart around me I don't care". That has NEVER been me. I always try to stay positive and look towards the future. I'm not sure whats going on but I'm sure it has a hell of a lot to do with Brett. I still think about him all the time and wonder what life would be like now if he was still alive. Christmas day marked 9 months since he's died and in some ways it feels like YEARS. My entire life is so different now.....I'm dating someone (one day I'll explain that whole situation) and I have strong feelings for him. But on the other hand I am still greiving my husband and sometimes I even cry out "I just want my husband back". It feels like he was the the only one sometimes that truly understood me. We had one hell of a life together and I don't think I'll EVER stop missing him. I have such a close relationship with his mother (better than the one I have with my own) which I am so grateful for. She's really been my rock and I go to her for everything.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Christmas.......uh huh
I logged in today and was flabbergasted by how long it's been since I've written. I starting thinking the other day that I would possibly start writing again and today (whats better than Christmas Day) is the day.
I won't go into great detail about where I've been for the past 5 months but in a nutshell, here it is. I have been going to school and working. Unfortunately I ended up having to retake this quarter (med/surg) due to the fact that I had to miss 2 clinical days. I am happy now that I am getting a chance to retake the class and am thrilled that my best nursing buddies are with me :D. When I'm not in school, I'm working. I've been trying to work as much as possible just to "attempt" to keep my head somewhat above water. I never realized how hard it is to make it on your own.....this is the FIRST time in my life I've been completely on my own so it's been quite an adjustment for me. I've been struggling financially that's for sure and am currently just concerned with keeping a roof over my head. Two days ago my boss informed me that they had no more work for me and I was being laid off......not good timing.
This was by far the strangest and most upsetting Christmas time I've ever had. I have loved Christmas so much since as long as I can remember. I always performed throughout school in show choir so Christmas was a big time of year for me. Brett and I always made our holidays special and this year was definitely tough not having him here with me. For the first time ever I made the decision to "ignore" Christmas. I didn't decorate, I didn't shop, I listen to Christmas music....nothing. I just couldn't handle it what so ever....so I chose not to deal with it at all. Probably not my finest moment...but a defense mechanism none the less. Kirk (we'll get into him later) came over last night which was nice since he hasn't been over in months. That was something that really made me smile.....he actually came over :). Today I went over to his house to have dinner with Pam and him. It ended up being really nice....I didn't stay long but they both got me gifts (pleasantly unexpected) and we had a great meal. I'm glad I "broke down my wall" (as Lisa would have put it) and went over there.
I'm too exhausted to write much more. I really wanted to put together a Christmas through the ages photo show in this blog but I couldn't find the CD with all my pictures on it. I suppose I'll save that for another time. I miss Brett from the bottom of my heart today and everyday.
Merry Christmas
I won't go into great detail about where I've been for the past 5 months but in a nutshell, here it is. I have been going to school and working. Unfortunately I ended up having to retake this quarter (med/surg) due to the fact that I had to miss 2 clinical days. I am happy now that I am getting a chance to retake the class and am thrilled that my best nursing buddies are with me :D. When I'm not in school, I'm working. I've been trying to work as much as possible just to "attempt" to keep my head somewhat above water. I never realized how hard it is to make it on your own.....this is the FIRST time in my life I've been completely on my own so it's been quite an adjustment for me. I've been struggling financially that's for sure and am currently just concerned with keeping a roof over my head. Two days ago my boss informed me that they had no more work for me and I was being laid off......not good timing.
This was by far the strangest and most upsetting Christmas time I've ever had. I have loved Christmas so much since as long as I can remember. I always performed throughout school in show choir so Christmas was a big time of year for me. Brett and I always made our holidays special and this year was definitely tough not having him here with me. For the first time ever I made the decision to "ignore" Christmas. I didn't decorate, I didn't shop, I listen to Christmas music....nothing. I just couldn't handle it what so ever....so I chose not to deal with it at all. Probably not my finest moment...but a defense mechanism none the less. Kirk (we'll get into him later) came over last night which was nice since he hasn't been over in months. That was something that really made me smile.....he actually came over :). Today I went over to his house to have dinner with Pam and him. It ended up being really nice....I didn't stay long but they both got me gifts (pleasantly unexpected) and we had a great meal. I'm glad I "broke down my wall" (as Lisa would have put it) and went over there.
I'm too exhausted to write much more. I really wanted to put together a Christmas through the ages photo show in this blog but I couldn't find the CD with all my pictures on it. I suppose I'll save that for another time. I miss Brett from the bottom of my heart today and everyday.
Merry Christmas
Monday, July 5, 2010
Starting the process
Yesterday, on Independence Day, My brother in law Kirk and I took a road trip up to Mount Pleasant and took some of Brett with us. I have been sitting here for 3 months knowing that my poor husband is sitting the top of the closet "waiting" to be scattered. When Brett and I would talk about what he wanted done with his ashes, he would say to me "put them where ever you want to, just make sure some are up north with my family". I pondered this concept very much since he's passed, all I EVER wanted to do for him was the right thing. I always wanted to make him happy, his happiness was everything to me. I suppose, looking back I may have gotten a little caught up in taking care of him but that was the life I knew as his wife. I loved him ENOUGH to stand by his side and take care of him when he needed me. So when it came to deciding on his final resting place/places......this is what I have decided:
For me, I wanted him to be in Mount Pleasant. Late August 1999, I met was introuduced to him by my current boyfriend. As I've stated many times, there was an immediate spark between us. Obviously it had to remain a friendship for sometime because I was otherwise involved. I took some of his ashes to the grassy spot right underneath the widows of our old door rooms. Herrig Hall rooms 118 (mine) and 119 (his). Right at the end of the hall where him and I could sneak down the stairs and have a cigerette at all hours of the night. The fun times we ALL had in those 2 door rooms was amazing!! I have SO many good memories of water fights, Las nights and Brett's loud laugh annoying us through our concrete walls! I remember yelling at him once through the wall as loud as I can "shut up, we're trying to sleep" to which he replied "kiss my ass" and laughed louder. Gotta love him! In my dorm room was where he told me that he loved me for the first time. We had been dating for about a month and he said (all adorable and such) that he had something to tell me......than he says "I know its only been a month but I feel like I love you". Of course I agreed with him and felt the same. We had a connection I simply cannot explain. As I stood on the grass under the windows I smiled because I knew that now he would always lay outside our rooms.
The next place we took him was to the library. When I met him he had gotten offered a job at the library and because he absolutley hated his Subway job, he jumped on it. At the time the library was held in Finch Fieldhouse and was a "disaster pit of hell" (as he called it). There were trying to get funding for the new library but the funds needed exceeded 120 million dollars. Finally they got funding and I remember making fun of Brett because he was so excited the day they broke ground on the new building. He worked at the reference desk and loved every second of it. Kirk said today maybe it was because he was surrounded by all those books, and that really stuck with me because he's right! Brett loved to read, he loved fiction and fantasy lands. I loved that side of him, the creative side. Taking him to the library meant so much to me because I KNEW for a fact he would be so happy to now be a part of the landscape, I know that would have made him so happy.
After the library it was off to our old apartment at the Forum, B105. That was our very first place together, we actually signed the lease as friends with Jenn. I remember the day we moved in and he wanted to take pictures. I still have one of him sneaking around the kitchen with his middle finger up but a big bright smile of his face. He was "evading" the camera but being a ham all at the same time. We lived at the Forum apartment from 2000-2001. So many life changing things happened to us there. We literally survived on less than $400/month. Brett had paid up his rent with his financial aide so his rent was paid for but I couldnt find and/or keep work so we struggled very much there. We fought a lot there and even broke up for 2 weeks. He started to get sick there. I remember when we came back from Christmas break he had this horrible back ache and a low grade fever, that was the start of everything. I had mixed feelings about being at the Forum. But I felt like it was a true turning point for us. We had to decided how worth it our relationship was because we were getting everything thrown in our faces, life was kicking our ass. It tested us. Once Brett was diagnosed on June 25, 2001 absolutley everything changed. We both quit school and moved home. He was in full blown treatment by mid-July. Not only did our location change, our relationship changed as well. His diagnosis put into perspective that nothing else mattered. As long as we had each other, nothing else mattered. And so the fight began..............
I am so glad we took him up there and I thank Kirk from the bottom of my heart for being there with me. One strange thing did happen to us that I have to share. We sat in a parking lot watching the Soaring Eagle fireworks (I insisted we go because I wanted to see some damn fireworks). Kirk had his iPod playing and the guitarist Joe Satriani came on and all of a sudden the fireworks and the music matched perfectly. It was the strangest thing I've ever seen....almost like Brett was with us and saying "thanks for bringing me here guys". It was so cool, and a bonding moment for Kirk and I. I am so glad that I still have Brett's brothers, who feel like they're my own.
It was a special day thats for sure.
For me, I wanted him to be in Mount Pleasant. Late August 1999, I met was introuduced to him by my current boyfriend. As I've stated many times, there was an immediate spark between us. Obviously it had to remain a friendship for sometime because I was otherwise involved. I took some of his ashes to the grassy spot right underneath the widows of our old door rooms. Herrig Hall rooms 118 (mine) and 119 (his). Right at the end of the hall where him and I could sneak down the stairs and have a cigerette at all hours of the night. The fun times we ALL had in those 2 door rooms was amazing!! I have SO many good memories of water fights, Las nights and Brett's loud laugh annoying us through our concrete walls! I remember yelling at him once through the wall as loud as I can "shut up, we're trying to sleep" to which he replied "kiss my ass" and laughed louder. Gotta love him! In my dorm room was where he told me that he loved me for the first time. We had been dating for about a month and he said (all adorable and such) that he had something to tell me......than he says "I know its only been a month but I feel like I love you". Of course I agreed with him and felt the same. We had a connection I simply cannot explain. As I stood on the grass under the windows I smiled because I knew that now he would always lay outside our rooms.
The next place we took him was to the library. When I met him he had gotten offered a job at the library and because he absolutley hated his Subway job, he jumped on it. At the time the library was held in Finch Fieldhouse and was a "disaster pit of hell" (as he called it). There were trying to get funding for the new library but the funds needed exceeded 120 million dollars. Finally they got funding and I remember making fun of Brett because he was so excited the day they broke ground on the new building. He worked at the reference desk and loved every second of it. Kirk said today maybe it was because he was surrounded by all those books, and that really stuck with me because he's right! Brett loved to read, he loved fiction and fantasy lands. I loved that side of him, the creative side. Taking him to the library meant so much to me because I KNEW for a fact he would be so happy to now be a part of the landscape, I know that would have made him so happy.
After the library it was off to our old apartment at the Forum, B105. That was our very first place together, we actually signed the lease as friends with Jenn. I remember the day we moved in and he wanted to take pictures. I still have one of him sneaking around the kitchen with his middle finger up but a big bright smile of his face. He was "evading" the camera but being a ham all at the same time. We lived at the Forum apartment from 2000-2001. So many life changing things happened to us there. We literally survived on less than $400/month. Brett had paid up his rent with his financial aide so his rent was paid for but I couldnt find and/or keep work so we struggled very much there. We fought a lot there and even broke up for 2 weeks. He started to get sick there. I remember when we came back from Christmas break he had this horrible back ache and a low grade fever, that was the start of everything. I had mixed feelings about being at the Forum. But I felt like it was a true turning point for us. We had to decided how worth it our relationship was because we were getting everything thrown in our faces, life was kicking our ass. It tested us. Once Brett was diagnosed on June 25, 2001 absolutley everything changed. We both quit school and moved home. He was in full blown treatment by mid-July. Not only did our location change, our relationship changed as well. His diagnosis put into perspective that nothing else mattered. As long as we had each other, nothing else mattered. And so the fight began..............
I am so glad we took him up there and I thank Kirk from the bottom of my heart for being there with me. One strange thing did happen to us that I have to share. We sat in a parking lot watching the Soaring Eagle fireworks (I insisted we go because I wanted to see some damn fireworks). Kirk had his iPod playing and the guitarist Joe Satriani came on and all of a sudden the fireworks and the music matched perfectly. It was the strangest thing I've ever seen....almost like Brett was with us and saying "thanks for bringing me here guys". It was so cool, and a bonding moment for Kirk and I. I am so glad that I still have Brett's brothers, who feel like they're my own.
It was a special day thats for sure.
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