4 weeks..........

Ok, I know this looks stupid but this picture keeps sticking in my head, taken 3-23-10

I took this picture on the evening of March 23rd (the day before everything went down with Brett).  I remember ever second of it like it was yesterday.  I had my computer out doing some stuff for school and I started playing with my webcam.  Brett was making dinner - homemade chicken sandwhiches and fries.  From the kitchen he told me "you can take still pictures with your webcam" and I was like "really, ok I'll play with it".  That is where this picture came from.  If I close my eyes right now, I can picture him in the kitchen talking to me through the bookcases with a big smile on his face.  As I started playing with the webcam and taking still pictures, he was laughing at me.  We ended up both laughing about it because at the time it was a funny moment.

Ever since he died, I keep coming back to this picture.  Its like I'm outside myself looking at a different person.  Everything I was in the moment of this picture has now changed.  I feel like a TOTALLY different person.  To me, I look like a stranger here.  I can remember what I was thinking and what we were doing......never knowing the next day it would ALL change forever.  For me, honestly, that has been the hardest part of all of this.  How FAST everything happened.  I know other people have went through worse situations such as terrible car accidents where loved ones were lost in a split second.  Brett and I did have the "advantage" (if you want to call it that) of being able to discuss his death and sickness.  It still seemed like it happened so fast, because it really did.

So please don't think I'm conceded by putting a stupid picture of myself in my blog, but this picture represents a complete turning point in my entire life.  Now I face a brand new life without Brett.......still seems impossible.  Everyday I think "there's no way I can do this all without him" even though I know he'll always be with me.

Just an update....

I really don't have much to "update" on persay, just the usual living and trying to get by without my love by my side.  Nursing school is going ok, its SOOOO much work though and sometimes it's really hard for me to focus.  We've now taken 2 exams and a couple quizes, and are waiting for grades.  We need to have an 84% to keep going and if by week 5 (mid point) we are not at that point, they will counsil us on whether we are able to continue in the program or not.  Its so stressful, especially not knowing any grades yet.  I'm really hoping I can make it through this first term but I will not lie.....I'm scared to death about it. 

I have 10 days to pack up my apartment and move on May 1st.  As I sit here right this moment, the only thing I've done is cleaned out Brett's closet.  I just dont have the energy with school.  It's going to end up being a "throw it in the truck and lets go" sort of move this time.  Normally I'm all organized but NOT this time.  I did get an apartment number yesterday (I'm only moving 2 streets down) so thats good. 

Overall.......

I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO stressed out and overwhelmed!

studying with out my boo

I spent today working on homework and studying for the 2 tests and a quiz I have coming up this week.  I got all of my "projects" done, now its just the actual studying.  I'm really not the greatest studier persay.  I'm a writing-dependent learner which means I have to write things down in order to process and remember them.  I have a hard time just looking at a chapter and remembering whats on the pages.  Most of the time I study by using study guider or making my own notes.  I used to always use notecards but there's too much info now to make them....I don't have the time.  I can remember on MANY occassions Brett going over my note cards with me.  He was SO good at it, he'd give me hints and talk me through them.  It always cracked me up though because he could not pronounce med terms very well lol.  He'd trying to say something like "Genitourinary" and say it wrong like 5 times, then say "whatever...THAT word" (because the whole time I'd be repeating correctly to him lol).  I have very fond memories of him helping me through school leading up to this point.  Whenever I had an exam, he would text me right before saying "you can do it, I believe in you, good luck.....you GOT this".  Those mesages meant so much to me! I got to the point where I couldnt take a test without hearing his voice or getting that text beforehand.  He has always been MY inspiration because he was such a dedicated, intelligent........amoung numerous other things.....perfect in my eyes.  My boo.

Clinical Day 1 at the hospital......

So today was our first actual clinical day at the hospital.  I was quite nervous going in, some excitement worked in there....but mostly nervous.  The hardest part for me personally is being on the "other side" of the medical curtain.  I have spent the past 9 years in and out of hospitals with Brett, so the actual hospital doesn't scare me.  I've been the "family member"....not the Nurse.  Today I stood in the hallways, looked at patient charts, entered the staff break rooms, and storage rooms.  I crossed the threshhold of every room that was always "staff only" before today.  I can't quite explain the feeling I had all day today.   I somewhat felt like I was in a daze.  We didn't see any actual patients today but next Friday we will spend the day with them (taking vitals, bed baths, charting....etc).

Irony would have it that I have been placed on a Medical Oncology floor filled with mostly cancer patients, some with Hospice.  That is going to take some getting used to for me because it does hit a little close to home.  My instructor made it clear to me that if it was too much, she would ensure I had a non-oncology patient.  The thing is that I WANT to work in Oncology or ICU.  I have to get used to being around cancer patients.  Its not so much the patients/familes that worry me because having gone through all of this, I have immense understanding for them.  Its more the flooding thoughts of Brett and my father lying in those same beds.  We talked about DNR's and CPR....all I thought about was Brett coding and them having to do chest compressions on him 5 times before he died.  Every subject we cover in the clinical setting makes me think of my past experiences.  Hopefully as I get used to being a student Nurse, those thoughts will fade and I will focus on my patients and THEIR issues.

It's a strange feeling being a "student" Nurse because I feel like we are certainly the lowest on the totem poll....which we are, and thats fine.  I feel like all the blue scrub's are looking at me like "she doesn't know anything.....what a looser".  I know thats not the case, and I know these are dues I must pay to work my way up to becoming a professional.  It's just strange all the thoughts that go through your head.  I have chosen an honorable profession, one that can make differences in peoples lives.  I know I'll look back years from now and appreciate the learning process, which never ends in Nursing anyways.

Now.........I'm EXHAUSTED and I have 2 major tests to study for..........yeah, so that's my night.

Miss you boo! always

My theory on being alone.....

I was thinking a lot about this concept today of being truly alone.  I have been SO blessed with numerous people who have showed support, friendship and a willingness to help me in whatever way needed.  I feel so lucky to have that!  The trouble is that I STILL feel all alone.  This is what led me to consider why I felt so alone with all of this even though not only do I have support but there are so many others that are grieving over Brett's loss.  In those respects, I am anything but alone.

I feel I am alone because as his wife, I knew him better than I knew myself.  We had a very close relationship, speaking constantly throughout the day.  I knew every move he made and he knew mine.....that was just us.  Now that he's gone I am alone with my feelings for him.  I am alone with OUR memories, personal things that only the 2 of us shared.  I am alone with our "mess" that was a life (financial...etc).  I am alone with our pets which I would never EVER get rid of, but are very hard to take care without Brett.  I am alone with my thoughts of what could have been between us had he never gotten sick.  In all of these ways.....I am completley, totally, unmistakeably....alone.  I guess it shows me how amazing our relationship was because we did share so much together.  He was by far the only person who knew every single detail about me.  He accepted who I was without judgement or restrictions.  I am also alone with his belongings, which I've yet to even look at.  I am alone is deciding what to do with those belongings.  People can make suggestions to me or offer help but ultimatley I'm alone in what happens with what he left behind.  You figure we were together for almost 11 years....that means pretty much everything he's ever owned is now with me.  How do you take someone's life of stuff and put it somewhere? like displacing someones personal extensions of them.  "Stuff" is very personal, we all collect it and it all means something in the course of our lives.  I feel an obligation as his wife and best friend to do whats best with everything he owned, but its a lot to think about.  When my dad died 3 years ago, I helped my mom go through some of his stuff.  It was sad but we were in a hurried rush to get the house cleared out so we didn't have time to really think about it.  I'm glad I have the time now with my husband but with that time comes responsibility to him. 

I am also alone with school.  I am the ONLY one that can make it through this program.  I am the ONLY one who can study, learn, implement and succeed for myself.  I am in charge of what happens to me now and sadly.....only me.  Part of me wants to shut down and hide, pretending like this is all just a horrific nightmare, and then part of me who wants good for myself in the future because Brett would have wanted good for me.  Part of me WANTS to survive this FOR him.  Then theres moments where I really don't care about anything anymore.  The sunshine makes me mad on those days because I feel I have nothing to be happy about anymore.  Its such a strange rollercoaster of feelings and emotions.

Just some pictures from the slideshow I used at Brett's memorial

This is Doug Macdermaid, Kirk, Doug and boo on our wedding day

Summer 2007 at Doug & Joanne's house for the fireworks party

This was Brett back in the Spring of 2000 about 6 months after we met

October 26, 2002 - The happiest day of my life

Boo with his mommy on our wedding day

This picture was taken on the day of my Bridal shower when Brett and the boys came at the end to say hello.  He's holding his beautiful nieces, Cailin and Kendall

Late Winter 2009 with mom, Brutus, Luke and boo

April 25, 2005 at Arlington Cemetary in  Washington DC.  Brett and I went there to be apart of the 25th anniversary memorial of his dad's death in Operation Eagle Claw

Brett and his big brother Doug - taken in late June 2007

The VERY first picture ever taken of us - April 27, 2000 when we first started dating.  We were in the hallway of Herrig Hall at Central Michigan University!

The Memorial

So today was Brett's memorial service and overall I think it went really well, perfect in the sense that everyone who loved him came together to celebrate who he was.  I stayed up practically all night last night prepping for this event because I so desperatley wanted it to be perfect for him.  I wanted to make him proud.  Our previous conversations kept going through my head and I wanted to make sure I did everything I could do to make this day special for him.  Sadly I always wanted to throw him a birthday party.......but instead I only ever got to throw him a memorial. 

I was truly touched by all the people that came out to support me and his family.  There were so many smiling, warm faces with open arms.  I knew Brett was the kind of man who changed peoples lives but it became even more apparent to me today when I got to look across a sea of people and know they were all there for him.  I really hope he knew when he was alive how many people loved him. 

I stood up infront of everyone and read my "speech" that took  me 5 hours to write last night.  I was so scared that I was going to fall apart but instead I felt strong up there.  I got this overwhelming sense of honor to be leading the celebration of my husband.  I got to stand infront of all those people and tell them how he impacted my life, how he changed me.  I felt so proud to be doing that for him.  I felt almost like I was speaking for him because he wasn't there to say how he felt.  I knew him so well that I can still to this moment hear his voice in my head.  That strength surprised me and I honestly didn't even fathem that it was there.  My husband was one hell of a guy and God am I SOOOO grateful that I was blessed enough to have him in my life for so long. 

It was still sureal to me that this whole entire thing was even happening.  Last night when I was getting ready I kept saying to myself "am I really doing this?" "this can't be real".  Thats how I felt all day too as I greeted everyone and  made my way around the room.  I remember at our wedding Brett said that he felt like an ambassador because we had to "mingle" and make the rounds.  Thats how I felt today.  I felt like an ambassador for truth, love, and friendship.

I sincerley cannot thank everyone ENOUGH to coming out today to be with us.  The people at the Moose Lodge were unbelievable and somehow it was all just "taken care of"......amazing.  I could not have asked for anything more.  It devestated me to have to be in this situation but the group of people who have surrounded me with support make me feel like it WILL be ok.  The sad part is that now that the memorial is over, I begin my stretch into this dark hole of a life without boo.  That terrifies me but I still belive in my heart of hearts that he will help me through it every step of the way.  A bond like ours can NEVER be broken!

Yesterday marked 2 weeks....

Yesterday marked exactly two weeks since Brett has passed away.  He died at 4:22pm on the 25th, so everytime that time hits I swear I feel like I can't breathe.  Its almost like I'm dying with him.  It feels like a billion years since I've seen him last.  Sometimes I feel like I can't remember him.  Two Christmas's ago Brett got me a video camera, there is about an hour and a half of video footage of us through the past year and a half.  I have not watched the video yet because I know I'm going to loose it when I do.  I know that I want to eventually because I want to see us together, it just hurts to think of it.

Something strange happened to me yesterday.  I was working on homework and I had to use my medical dictionary.  When I opened it up, a un-scratched lottery ticket fell out.  I scratched it and I won 5 dollars.  The strange part is that why would an un-scratched lotto ticket be in my med dictionary?? I loved scratch offs and Brett always got them for me.  I ALWAYS did them, never set one aside, least of all in a book I hardly used or looked at until now.  It was almost like Brett gave it to me to cheer me up because he knew how much I loved them.  I have to believe he's still with me, I just HAVE to. 

What a WEEK!

Lets see, where should I begin?? I already wrote about my first day of school which was pretty good, the highlight of my week so far.  Tuesday was my 2nd day of classes and I woke up 45 minutes late.  I opened my eyes and knew something was wrong, I was afraid to look at the clock.  When I looked at the clock it was 8:45 and I was supposed to be in class at 8am.  My instructor called about 5 minutes after I woke up to see where I was.  I rushed in there, made it by 9:30.  Luckily for me, they were super understanding.  I was able to complete all of my tasks in lab.  I felt like a total failure though for screwing up like that.  So today I had class at 9am, I set literally about 12 alarms.  I woke up "in time" but barely.  I had my alarm set for 7 and woke up at 8:15.  I made it there on time.  I guess this is where its helpful to have uniforms because I already know what to wear and the rest is easy.  I need to get it together though because I will get kicked out of the program if I am late again.  Today I made it just in time with about 5 minutes to spare.

Then I get home from class today and had a voice mail from  my Uncle Paul that my Uncle Scott (my dad's younger brother) passed away this morning from complications due to cancer.  I saw him at Christmas time and he was doing quite well.  My mom and I were talking and its truly amazing to us how much can change in 4 months.  Brett and Uncle Scott looked and felt good at Christmas, now they are both gone.  I officially HATE CANCER! not that it wasn't official before but its more concrete now.  I want to eventually work in oncology.........but I may rethink that. 

What a messed up, sad week!

First day of Nursing school......bittersweet

I was absolutley devestated last night at the thought of facing my first day of professional Nursing school without my love.  As I've stated many times, this was entirely a TEAM effort.  I never even imagined doing it without him.  He was the most supportive husband when it came to my devotion to Nursing.  Its already been three years of hard work. 

I woke up this morning feeling nervous, anxious and a little queasy.  I felt quiet if that makes sense.  I doned my white scrubs and went to my first class.  The whole experience was sureal because I sat in a room with 44 other people in their own shinny white scrubs while I listened to intimidating (but kind) teachers.  I cannot believe I actually made it to this point.  I am honored to be entering a profession where I actually get the chance to make a real difference in someones life.  Today helped reaffirm why I have chosen  Nursing.  I sat there and had strange thoughts like "I wonder if they can look at me and tell that I lost my husband last week".  I had contacted my director and informed her of what happened so I know my teachers are aware.  Thats a strange feeling, a little invading.  The day was packed with information and work.  Sometimes I felt like I wasn't really there, like I was watching it all on a movie.  Its so weird to have both feelings of utter devestation but than also feelings of pride and excitement all at the same time.  It's like my brain doesn't know how to react.  I have already recieved about 40 chapters worth of reading, a 4 page paper and some worksheets........there's no doubt I'll be busy.

When I got home, I got really sad again.  The dogs were nuts because they were left alone all day.  I was devestated to walk into the house and be slapped in the face with the fact that he wouldn't be there with smiles and hugs.  That was quite depressing to me to be honest.  I feel so lonely.  I feel like I have no one to share this with, even though I know I have friends and family rooting for me.  Its just not the same, not having him here to celebrate with and be happy with.  It truly breaks my heart. 

Tomorrow we start labs, hands on learning.  I'm sure I'll be sad when I get home tomorrow too but thats when I'll dive into my homework.  See how I'm talking myself through this??  I know he's with me.

Easter

I went visitng my in-law's today.  First I stopped by my sister in law's house to see my nieces, it was so nice to give them great big hugs.  Joanne had gotten them both shirts supporting Hodgkin's Lymphoma awareness and research.  Cailin's says "my uncle is a hero".  I hope Brett knows how much they loved him.  There has been some family drama as some of you know in the past 5 months so there was some stress between the girls and us, but in the end they always loved him so much and he adored them.  After Joanne's house I went over to Brett's mom's house.  She made dinner for Kirk and I.  She has been such a blessing to me since Brett passed.  She lost her husband at the age of 31 as well and her wisdom and adivice is amazing right now. 

Of course, as with everyday, I kept thinking "what would we be doing if Brett was alive".  I can't seem to get that thought of my fricking head.  I am starting Nursing school tomorrow so I know if he was alive, we would be prepping for that.  I swear sometimes he was more excited than I was. 

I did a lot of random, uncontrolable crying today.  I hope that doesn't happen tomorrow while I'm sitting in class.

I hope everyone had a great Easter with their familes and friends today!

voicemails.

So of course, like every night, I'm having a terrible time falling asleep.  Today was tough because Kirk and I picked up Brett's ashes.  We both were quite emotional during that trip.  I have to say that the people at the Cremation Society of Michigan have been amazing to us....such kind and helpful people.  They made the process easier for me by explaining everything step by step to me.  I really appreciate their kindness.  But anyways, I was lying in bed thinking about him and I just broke down.  All of a sudden it felt like I couldn't remember him.  I couldn't hear his voice.  It still really all feels quite sureal to me.  Everyone has said numerous times to me "oh well he must have been really sick leading up to this" or "we wish we would have known how sick he was".  I'm here to SAY.......before last Wed morning, he was doing very well.  He felt good, he was active, he was happy.  I was truly OCD when it came to Brett and his overall health status everyday.  He was also very aware of his body and voiced his concerns when he didn't feel well.  All signs honestly pointed to that he was on an up swing. 

All of this thinking and crying led me to start listening to saved voicemails I had on my cell phone.  I had about 5 voicemails that I saved from him because they were adorable.  One in particular, I was playing with my phone and he called me (sitting right next to me) and he was being silly, breathing into the phone.  I could hear myself laughing in the background.  He was saying "I love you baby....is this working? I love you" and then he would laugh.  Then at one point I heard the dogs barking.  It was like a snap shot of our life together.  At first when I listened I just held the phone and balled.  After a few times of listening....I realized that this was a good thing.  This was a reminder of how awesome our lives were together.  We really had it all.  True love and friendship.  That man made me laugh every single day.  Even though now I feel like all my happiness is gone, when I heard that voicemail it made me even MORE thankful that I was blessed enough to have what I had.  The perfect man for me.

I am not looking forward to today.....

Today I am going with my brother in law Kirk (Brett's twin) to pick up Brett's remains from the Cremation Society of Michigan.  Along with his remains, I will be getting my certified copies of his death certificate.  I'm not sure which bothers me more.....driving home with my husband in a box or looking at his death paperwork.  Lets just say I'm really not looking forward to this.  I am well aware of the reality of his death but something about having an official piece of paper on it scares the shit out of me.  I will now have in my possession both his birth certificate and death certificate.  What the fuck? thats just not right or fair. 

I can not believe how long these 9 days have felt like.  It seriously feels like a million years since I've seen his smile, kissed his lips, gotten a big bear hug (he was so skinny but he always gave the BEST hugs).  I feel like time has literally stopped.  Now its April and the weather is getting warmer and all I can think about is how Brett and I would be walking the dogs everyday together.  Shortly before he died, we took the pups on a long walk and I keep replaying that moment in  my head.  I keep seeing him standing there by the trees with a big smile on his face.  What the fuck happened? it all disappeared so quickly.  I can't stress enough to everyone reading this how short life is.  Even though Brett had cancer so death was a little more of a reality to us than most, it can still happen to anyone at anytime.  Of course I hope it doesnt happen but please be aware that anyday.....things can change forever. 

Rough day today.

I opened my eyes this morning and looked at the clock above the TV, it said 1:39pm.  I was shocked it was that late.  I had the hardest time last night falling asleep.  I know I was still awake at 4:45am.  So needless to say today started off kind of bad because I slept half of it away.  When I got up, I kept crying.  It was like my eyes just kept tearing up without concious thought evoking it.  I sat here on the stinking couch with crap strewned all around me thinking "what the hell am I going to do?".  I just felt so sad and lonely.  I felt like every ounce of happiness had been ripped from me.  When Brett was alive, we were always stressed about money, doctors appointments, the pets, the cars.....the list is endless.  Even though we always seemed to have so many "issues", at the end of the day when it was just us, they didn't seem to matter.  I didn't care that we didn't have any money.  When it was just the two of us, all was right with the world.  Now that he's gone, it seems like all I have is time to think about how everything is so WRONG in my world now.  It is so strange to me not to turn to him and say "I love you".  Everytime I have a breakdown I cry out to him.  I feel lost without him. 

After about 2 hours of sitting here feeling empty and sad, I decided to force myself to get up and pick up the house.  I took a shower.  I eneded up back on the couch but I did feel a little bit better when I was busy doing something.  That tells me that infact, school might be the best thing for me now.  It will keep me busy and always give me something to focus on.  One of my friends on facebook told me that when her dad died, her mom moved things around in the house to help her adjust to her new life.  I don't have the energy for that right now but I can see the purpose in it.  I need to start starting over, even if its a tiny baby step every day.  I don't have a lot of super close friends because I've been wrapped up in caring for my sick husband for the past 8 years......but I'm starting to see that every friend, every kind email, every offer for help means something.  I'm starting to see that I DO have people who care about what happens to me even though I feel more alone now than I've ever felt.  I just have to keep telling myself that it WILL be ok and he WILL be by my side today, tomorrow and forever. 

I don't sow!

Ok so tonight I had to start assembling my uniforms for school.  I was staring at the stupid TV and decided to "attempt" to sow my Nursing patches on my uniforms.  Ironically enought, this would have been something Brett would have done for me (he was such the every man).  I managed to get them ironed on well but when it came to actually putting thread to fabric....HA! It literally took me about an hour to sow ONE patch on....they're not that freeking big.  I'm surprised it actually came out quite good but that's probably because I used almost an exact match thread....that helped.

Note to self......I don't SOW!

LONG day today....

Today was an extremely LONG, extremely exhausting day for me.  Today was supposed to be my last day at work.  Brett and I had been counting down and preparing for this day for the past 3 months since I found out I was accepted into the Nursing program.  My bosses wanted me to come up there for my "party" (if you can call it that now).  They had a luncheon for me and gave me a nice card that everyone had signed wishing me luck with school.  Bless their hearts for everything they have given me the 7 1/2 years I worked there.  I was so exhausted though and didn't really want to be there.  I stayed until it was "safe" to leave.  After I left work I had to stop by the apartment complex office to see if it was possible for me to get into a one bedroom apartment.  They said it was possible because my lease was up as of May 1st anyways.  So I had to put my 30 day notice into them today and then I will go see available apartments next week probably.  After THAT I had to go get my uniforms for school.  That was hard because again, I didn't want to be there.  All of the excitement has GONE from the whole Nursing thing.  Now, I am doing this for my own survival (and to give back of course).  Brett and I were so excited about school so I am not excited about it now that he's gone.

I kept thinking all day.....if he was still alive, today would have been a great day for us....the big celebration day.  That made me super sad.