So today was our first actual clinical day at the hospital. I was quite nervous going in, some excitement worked in there....but mostly nervous. The hardest part for me personally is being on the "other side" of the medical curtain. I have spent the past 9 years in and out of hospitals with Brett, so the actual hospital doesn't scare me. I've been the "family member"....not the Nurse. Today I stood in the hallways, looked at patient charts, entered the staff break rooms, and storage rooms. I crossed the threshhold of every room that was always "staff only" before today. I can't quite explain the feeling I had all day today. I somewhat felt like I was in a daze. We didn't see any actual patients today but next Friday we will spend the day with them (taking vitals, bed baths, charting....etc).
Irony would have it that I have been placed on a Medical Oncology floor filled with mostly cancer patients, some with Hospice. That is going to take some getting used to for me because it does hit a little close to home. My instructor made it clear to me that if it was too much, she would ensure I had a non-oncology patient. The thing is that I WANT to work in Oncology or ICU. I have to get used to being around cancer patients. Its not so much the patients/familes that worry me because having gone through all of this, I have immense understanding for them. Its more the flooding thoughts of Brett and my father lying in those same beds. We talked about DNR's and CPR....all I thought about was Brett coding and them having to do chest compressions on him 5 times before he died. Every subject we cover in the clinical setting makes me think of my past experiences. Hopefully as I get used to being a student Nurse, those thoughts will fade and I will focus on my patients and THEIR issues.
It's a strange feeling being a "student" Nurse because I feel like we are certainly the lowest on the totem poll....which we are, and thats fine. I feel like all the blue scrub's are looking at me like "she doesn't know anything.....what a looser". I know thats not the case, and I know these are dues I must pay to work my way up to becoming a professional. It's just strange all the thoughts that go through your head. I have chosen an honorable profession, one that can make differences in peoples lives. I know I'll look back years from now and appreciate the learning process, which never ends in Nursing anyways.
Now.........I'm EXHAUSTED and I have 2 major tests to study for..........yeah, so that's my night.
Miss you boo! always
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