voicemails.

So of course, like every night, I'm having a terrible time falling asleep.  Today was tough because Kirk and I picked up Brett's ashes.  We both were quite emotional during that trip.  I have to say that the people at the Cremation Society of Michigan have been amazing to us....such kind and helpful people.  They made the process easier for me by explaining everything step by step to me.  I really appreciate their kindness.  But anyways, I was lying in bed thinking about him and I just broke down.  All of a sudden it felt like I couldn't remember him.  I couldn't hear his voice.  It still really all feels quite sureal to me.  Everyone has said numerous times to me "oh well he must have been really sick leading up to this" or "we wish we would have known how sick he was".  I'm here to SAY.......before last Wed morning, he was doing very well.  He felt good, he was active, he was happy.  I was truly OCD when it came to Brett and his overall health status everyday.  He was also very aware of his body and voiced his concerns when he didn't feel well.  All signs honestly pointed to that he was on an up swing. 

All of this thinking and crying led me to start listening to saved voicemails I had on my cell phone.  I had about 5 voicemails that I saved from him because they were adorable.  One in particular, I was playing with my phone and he called me (sitting right next to me) and he was being silly, breathing into the phone.  I could hear myself laughing in the background.  He was saying "I love you baby....is this working? I love you" and then he would laugh.  Then at one point I heard the dogs barking.  It was like a snap shot of our life together.  At first when I listened I just held the phone and balled.  After a few times of listening....I realized that this was a good thing.  This was a reminder of how awesome our lives were together.  We really had it all.  True love and friendship.  That man made me laugh every single day.  Even though now I feel like all my happiness is gone, when I heard that voicemail it made me even MORE thankful that I was blessed enough to have what I had.  The perfect man for me.