The Memorial

So today was Brett's memorial service and overall I think it went really well, perfect in the sense that everyone who loved him came together to celebrate who he was.  I stayed up practically all night last night prepping for this event because I so desperatley wanted it to be perfect for him.  I wanted to make him proud.  Our previous conversations kept going through my head and I wanted to make sure I did everything I could do to make this day special for him.  Sadly I always wanted to throw him a birthday party.......but instead I only ever got to throw him a memorial. 

I was truly touched by all the people that came out to support me and his family.  There were so many smiling, warm faces with open arms.  I knew Brett was the kind of man who changed peoples lives but it became even more apparent to me today when I got to look across a sea of people and know they were all there for him.  I really hope he knew when he was alive how many people loved him. 

I stood up infront of everyone and read my "speech" that took  me 5 hours to write last night.  I was so scared that I was going to fall apart but instead I felt strong up there.  I got this overwhelming sense of honor to be leading the celebration of my husband.  I got to stand infront of all those people and tell them how he impacted my life, how he changed me.  I felt so proud to be doing that for him.  I felt almost like I was speaking for him because he wasn't there to say how he felt.  I knew him so well that I can still to this moment hear his voice in my head.  That strength surprised me and I honestly didn't even fathem that it was there.  My husband was one hell of a guy and God am I SOOOO grateful that I was blessed enough to have him in my life for so long. 

It was still sureal to me that this whole entire thing was even happening.  Last night when I was getting ready I kept saying to myself "am I really doing this?" "this can't be real".  Thats how I felt all day too as I greeted everyone and  made my way around the room.  I remember at our wedding Brett said that he felt like an ambassador because we had to "mingle" and make the rounds.  Thats how I felt today.  I felt like an ambassador for truth, love, and friendship.

I sincerley cannot thank everyone ENOUGH to coming out today to be with us.  The people at the Moose Lodge were unbelievable and somehow it was all just "taken care of"......amazing.  I could not have asked for anything more.  It devestated me to have to be in this situation but the group of people who have surrounded me with support make me feel like it WILL be ok.  The sad part is that now that the memorial is over, I begin my stretch into this dark hole of a life without boo.  That terrifies me but I still belive in my heart of hearts that he will help me through it every step of the way.  A bond like ours can NEVER be broken!