Rough day today.

I opened my eyes this morning and looked at the clock above the TV, it said 1:39pm.  I was shocked it was that late.  I had the hardest time last night falling asleep.  I know I was still awake at 4:45am.  So needless to say today started off kind of bad because I slept half of it away.  When I got up, I kept crying.  It was like my eyes just kept tearing up without concious thought evoking it.  I sat here on the stinking couch with crap strewned all around me thinking "what the hell am I going to do?".  I just felt so sad and lonely.  I felt like every ounce of happiness had been ripped from me.  When Brett was alive, we were always stressed about money, doctors appointments, the pets, the cars.....the list is endless.  Even though we always seemed to have so many "issues", at the end of the day when it was just us, they didn't seem to matter.  I didn't care that we didn't have any money.  When it was just the two of us, all was right with the world.  Now that he's gone, it seems like all I have is time to think about how everything is so WRONG in my world now.  It is so strange to me not to turn to him and say "I love you".  Everytime I have a breakdown I cry out to him.  I feel lost without him. 

After about 2 hours of sitting here feeling empty and sad, I decided to force myself to get up and pick up the house.  I took a shower.  I eneded up back on the couch but I did feel a little bit better when I was busy doing something.  That tells me that infact, school might be the best thing for me now.  It will keep me busy and always give me something to focus on.  One of my friends on facebook told me that when her dad died, her mom moved things around in the house to help her adjust to her new life.  I don't have the energy for that right now but I can see the purpose in it.  I need to start starting over, even if its a tiny baby step every day.  I don't have a lot of super close friends because I've been wrapped up in caring for my sick husband for the past 8 years......but I'm starting to see that every friend, every kind email, every offer for help means something.  I'm starting to see that I DO have people who care about what happens to me even though I feel more alone now than I've ever felt.  I just have to keep telling myself that it WILL be ok and he WILL be by my side today, tomorrow and forever.