First day of Nursing school......bittersweet

I was absolutley devestated last night at the thought of facing my first day of professional Nursing school without my love.  As I've stated many times, this was entirely a TEAM effort.  I never even imagined doing it without him.  He was the most supportive husband when it came to my devotion to Nursing.  Its already been three years of hard work. 

I woke up this morning feeling nervous, anxious and a little queasy.  I felt quiet if that makes sense.  I doned my white scrubs and went to my first class.  The whole experience was sureal because I sat in a room with 44 other people in their own shinny white scrubs while I listened to intimidating (but kind) teachers.  I cannot believe I actually made it to this point.  I am honored to be entering a profession where I actually get the chance to make a real difference in someones life.  Today helped reaffirm why I have chosen  Nursing.  I sat there and had strange thoughts like "I wonder if they can look at me and tell that I lost my husband last week".  I had contacted my director and informed her of what happened so I know my teachers are aware.  Thats a strange feeling, a little invading.  The day was packed with information and work.  Sometimes I felt like I wasn't really there, like I was watching it all on a movie.  Its so weird to have both feelings of utter devestation but than also feelings of pride and excitement all at the same time.  It's like my brain doesn't know how to react.  I have already recieved about 40 chapters worth of reading, a 4 page paper and some worksheets........there's no doubt I'll be busy.

When I got home, I got really sad again.  The dogs were nuts because they were left alone all day.  I was devestated to walk into the house and be slapped in the face with the fact that he wouldn't be there with smiles and hugs.  That was quite depressing to me to be honest.  I feel so lonely.  I feel like I have no one to share this with, even though I know I have friends and family rooting for me.  Its just not the same, not having him here to celebrate with and be happy with.  It truly breaks my heart. 

Tomorrow we start labs, hands on learning.  I'm sure I'll be sad when I get home tomorrow too but thats when I'll dive into my homework.  See how I'm talking myself through this??  I know he's with me.