4 weeks..........

Ok, I know this looks stupid but this picture keeps sticking in my head, taken 3-23-10

I took this picture on the evening of March 23rd (the day before everything went down with Brett).  I remember ever second of it like it was yesterday.  I had my computer out doing some stuff for school and I started playing with my webcam.  Brett was making dinner - homemade chicken sandwhiches and fries.  From the kitchen he told me "you can take still pictures with your webcam" and I was like "really, ok I'll play with it".  That is where this picture came from.  If I close my eyes right now, I can picture him in the kitchen talking to me through the bookcases with a big smile on his face.  As I started playing with the webcam and taking still pictures, he was laughing at me.  We ended up both laughing about it because at the time it was a funny moment.

Ever since he died, I keep coming back to this picture.  Its like I'm outside myself looking at a different person.  Everything I was in the moment of this picture has now changed.  I feel like a TOTALLY different person.  To me, I look like a stranger here.  I can remember what I was thinking and what we were doing......never knowing the next day it would ALL change forever.  For me, honestly, that has been the hardest part of all of this.  How FAST everything happened.  I know other people have went through worse situations such as terrible car accidents where loved ones were lost in a split second.  Brett and I did have the "advantage" (if you want to call it that) of being able to discuss his death and sickness.  It still seemed like it happened so fast, because it really did.

So please don't think I'm conceded by putting a stupid picture of myself in my blog, but this picture represents a complete turning point in my entire life.  Now I face a brand new life without Brett.......still seems impossible.  Everyday I think "there's no way I can do this all without him" even though I know he'll always be with me.