I was thinking a lot about this concept today of being truly alone. I have been SO blessed with numerous people who have showed support, friendship and a willingness to help me in whatever way needed. I feel so lucky to have that! The trouble is that I STILL feel all alone. This is what led me to consider why I felt so alone with all of this even though not only do I have support but there are so many others that are grieving over Brett's loss. In those respects, I am anything but alone.
I feel I am alone because as his wife, I knew him better than I knew myself. We had a very close relationship, speaking constantly throughout the day. I knew every move he made and he knew mine.....that was just us. Now that he's gone I am alone with my feelings for him. I am alone with OUR memories, personal things that only the 2 of us shared. I am alone with our "mess" that was a life (financial...etc). I am alone with our pets which I would never EVER get rid of, but are very hard to take care without Brett. I am alone with my thoughts of what could have been between us had he never gotten sick. In all of these ways.....I am completley, totally, unmistakeably....alone. I guess it shows me how amazing our relationship was because we did share so much together. He was by far the only person who knew every single detail about me. He accepted who I was without judgement or restrictions. I am also alone with his belongings, which I've yet to even look at. I am alone is deciding what to do with those belongings. People can make suggestions to me or offer help but ultimatley I'm alone in what happens with what he left behind. You figure we were together for almost 11 years....that means pretty much everything he's ever owned is now with me. How do you take someone's life of stuff and put it somewhere? like displacing someones personal extensions of them. "Stuff" is very personal, we all collect it and it all means something in the course of our lives. I feel an obligation as his wife and best friend to do whats best with everything he owned, but its a lot to think about. When my dad died 3 years ago, I helped my mom go through some of his stuff. It was sad but we were in a hurried rush to get the house cleared out so we didn't have time to really think about it. I'm glad I have the time now with my husband but with that time comes responsibility to him.
I am also alone with school. I am the ONLY one that can make it through this program. I am the ONLY one who can study, learn, implement and succeed for myself. I am in charge of what happens to me now and sadly.....only me. Part of me wants to shut down and hide, pretending like this is all just a horrific nightmare, and then part of me who wants good for myself in the future because Brett would have wanted good for me. Part of me WANTS to survive this FOR him. Then theres moments where I really don't care about anything anymore. The sunshine makes me mad on those days because I feel I have nothing to be happy about anymore. Its such a strange rollercoaster of feelings and emotions.
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