I have found myself thinking a lot about Brett latley, my thoughts range from random memories to serious thoughts about where my life would be right now if I were still married and our dreams would have had a chance to come to fruition. There are days when I am STILL in shock that it all happened. I feel like I died the day he died and was reborn a different person. Everything about me changed the day I lost him. I always knew there was chance we could be seperated by the monster they call cancer but until that day I walked back into my apartment a brand new widow...I never expected to really face it. I remember that first time walking into our home, alone, like it was yesterday. The first thing I did was stop and look at a picture of us that was hanging on the way. It was a beautiful picture of us right after we had gotten engaged. We were both young and happy, full of hope. I screamed at that picture. I won't go into what I said but I was angry. There I stood shattered. broken. never to be the same again.
So now here I am two years later. I am not sure my heart will ever be whole again. I was a happily married woman. I adored my husband. We had the kind of relationship that I fear many people don't ever get lucky enough to have. He made me laugh every single day....hell, he made me laugh during his chemotherapy. He was MY rock. He was the light of my soul and there has not been one single day that has gone by since his death that I havent thought about him. He will be with me forever because we were linked that close together, always were.
I wish I had more people to talk to that have been through what I have been through because sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy. There are so many things I want out of my life and one of them is I would like to get married again one day. Not to replace Brett because that is impossible, but I enjoyed being married and I can only hope I find someone again that fills my soul and that I can share an honest life with. I have my doubts that will ever happen and I'm not out searching for it to happen. I am involved with someone now who I have very strong feelings for but I'm not sure how the future will pan out.
I feel lonely most of the time really. I miss my daddy and I miss my husband....the two men in my life who were always there to lift me up. I have hopes that at some point in the future I will find happiness again.....
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Making changes
So after talking with my former MIL and a good friend of mine I have decided to start the weight watchers program. I have never done it before but have heard nothing but good things. My goal is to lose 20 pounds (maybe more will follow but that's my initial goal). I'm really hoping that by following a plan that doesn't force me to completely deprive myself will help to teach me how to make lifestyle changes, and learn to eat better. The exercise part is not hard for me because I already walk pretty much everyday but I plan on adding some strength training exercises as well. I have to say I'm both excited and nervous. For now I'm starting with a commitment to myself that I will do it for 3 months and hopefully lose the full 20 pounds in the process :-)
I. Can. Do. This.
I. Can. Do. This.
Monday, June 11, 2012
I want to be skinnier..
So I was looking at myself in the mirror today which is never a really good idea because of course I didn't like what I saw. For years and years I never struggled with my weight. When I first started college I gained 50 pounds because I ate a lot but when I made the decision to lose it, all it took was me eating less and it was all gone plus some in about a year.
So now I find myself chunky. Way chunkier than I want to be. I don't really eat that much but my habits are bad. I can admit that. I eat late at night and when I'm busy with work and school I eat fast food more than I should. I have been exercising more by walking. I was walking consistently every day but my schedule got really busy and the weather turned hot so now I only walk about twice a week.
I really want to be thinner and more in shape. I don't need to be stick thin or that kind of madness I just want to feel better and more confident like I used to.
I have always struggled with will power meaning I have none of it. It didn't really matter before because I had no problems losing weight but now it does matter. When I'm upset, bored, over tired or studying I don't care what I eat. I don't have the inner voice to say no to the cookies or pizza. I just don't and I don't know how to change that.
Another problem I have is that one of the medications I'm on causes weight gain and I have spoken to my doc about going off of it. It's an anti-anxiety med that I went on after Brett died because I literally was having anxiety attacks. I think I would be ok without the medication but as I've started to taper off of it my anxiety has increased and I get terrible dizziness on the low dose days. My doc said this was a common side effect of going off this med.
I need advice. Real advice for people who aren't naturally inclined to just start working out and go on some extreme diet. That's not me. How do I get motivated? How can I increase my self esteem and feel better about myself? Does anyone else struggle with these issues?
So now I find myself chunky. Way chunkier than I want to be. I don't really eat that much but my habits are bad. I can admit that. I eat late at night and when I'm busy with work and school I eat fast food more than I should. I have been exercising more by walking. I was walking consistently every day but my schedule got really busy and the weather turned hot so now I only walk about twice a week.
I really want to be thinner and more in shape. I don't need to be stick thin or that kind of madness I just want to feel better and more confident like I used to.
I have always struggled with will power meaning I have none of it. It didn't really matter before because I had no problems losing weight but now it does matter. When I'm upset, bored, over tired or studying I don't care what I eat. I don't have the inner voice to say no to the cookies or pizza. I just don't and I don't know how to change that.
Another problem I have is that one of the medications I'm on causes weight gain and I have spoken to my doc about going off of it. It's an anti-anxiety med that I went on after Brett died because I literally was having anxiety attacks. I think I would be ok without the medication but as I've started to taper off of it my anxiety has increased and I get terrible dizziness on the low dose days. My doc said this was a common side effect of going off this med.
I need advice. Real advice for people who aren't naturally inclined to just start working out and go on some extreme diet. That's not me. How do I get motivated? How can I increase my self esteem and feel better about myself? Does anyone else struggle with these issues?
Thursday, June 7, 2012
15 years ago today....
So as per one of my Facebook friends, I am now well aware that exactly 15 years ago today I graduated from high school. Also on this day the Detroit red wings won the Stanley cup which I remember watching from our senior all night party! I can't believe it's really been 15 years already. So much has changed since then and I can't help but think of what the next 15 years will bring. I actually enjoyed high school, I had good friends and took trips with my show choir group. I have fond memories unlike most :-)
After high school I went straight to a local college and then a year later moved away to college at CMU. That's where I met my amazing husband to whom this blog was inspired by. We both were 2 semesters away from graduation when he was diagnosed with cancer. My dad was also diagnosed with the same form of cancer 2 months before brett was needless to say that was a rough year I quit school and moved back home to the Detroit area to be with him and my parent through their treatments. A year after that we moved BACK to Mt. Pleasant to try and finish school. Got one more semester out of the way and found out his cancer had already came back and he needed his first of two stem cell transplants. We moved home again and started the process. In late 2002 we got married <3. We always struggled financially and our lives seem to revolve around sickness but bottom line we had a great marriage and I wouldn't trade a second of it. In 2007 my dad passed away after receiving his own stem cell transplant. This was also the year I started working towards my nursing degree. In march of 2010 I lost my love :-( I started into the nursing program exactly 10 days after he passed away.
Sometimes it all seems like a blur. It's been a rough 15 years but there were some great memories and many blessings mixed in there.
After high school I went straight to a local college and then a year later moved away to college at CMU. That's where I met my amazing husband to whom this blog was inspired by. We both were 2 semesters away from graduation when he was diagnosed with cancer. My dad was also diagnosed with the same form of cancer 2 months before brett was needless to say that was a rough year I quit school and moved back home to the Detroit area to be with him and my parent through their treatments. A year after that we moved BACK to Mt. Pleasant to try and finish school. Got one more semester out of the way and found out his cancer had already came back and he needed his first of two stem cell transplants. We moved home again and started the process. In late 2002 we got married <3. We always struggled financially and our lives seem to revolve around sickness but bottom line we had a great marriage and I wouldn't trade a second of it. In 2007 my dad passed away after receiving his own stem cell transplant. This was also the year I started working towards my nursing degree. In march of 2010 I lost my love :-( I started into the nursing program exactly 10 days after he passed away.
Sometimes it all seems like a blur. It's been a rough 15 years but there were some great memories and many blessings mixed in there.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Changes....
So I have been doing a lot of thinking yesterday and today. I have come to some conclusions such as I need more time to think! I need to break away and separate myself from some relationships in my life that are becoming toxic. I have always been a people pleaser and it tears me up when I can't make someone I care about happy. I hate it when people are upset with me or don't like me (childish I know). I guess part of me is afraid of being alone. I grew up lonely and ever since my husband and my father passed away I've felt even more alone. I thought I had solved the problem but in turn may have ended up alienating myself even more. I want to be happy and I want to make myself happy an not rely on someone else for my happiness but this has always been a personal struggle of mine. I have deep rooted insecurities that have gotten better as I've grown older but they seem to rear their ugly head when things are rocky in my life or when I'm not getting what I need from someone. I can't control anyone or anything other than myself and I have to stop desperately trying to make things the way I hope and imagine they would be. Sometimes things just don't work out and I have to take responsibility for my part in that failure but not beat myself over the head with it.
So as I opened this blog which has been tucked away in the recesses of my mind...I could not believe its been so long since I've posted. I find writing cathartic and I have been journaling on and off but I really want to get back into blogging again. So here goes!
I really should be sleeping because I have a ginormous history final exam at 9am in the morning. No more nursing classes for me :( unfortunately I did not make it through the nursing program. In December of last year I found out that I "failed" one of my classes by 3 points. Yup 3 points determined my future. I received an 83% in a class that required an 84% to move on in the program. So on the day before my 33rd birthday I had my meeting with the program directors and was officially dismissed from the nursing program I had been working for 5 years to get through. Next to the day I lost my husband and my daddy, that was one of the hardest days of my life. I will never forget driving home from the meeting that day with tears streaming from my face. I was devastated to put it mildly. I still have harsh feelings about the whole thing but I cannot focus on it. I have to move forward (story of my life!). So as of right now I am finishing up my Bachelor's Degree of Health care Administration (graduating in January of 2013) and then going to work on getting a BSN through an accelerated second degree program at Oakland University! I will still become a nurse one day!
Quick update on some other things....I was laid off from my job of 8 years in December of 2010 which led to me eventually losing my apartment last summer. THANKFULLY I have amazing in-laws and they took me in because I literally had nowhere else to go. I do not have any family other than my mother (that is a strained relationship these days) so I cannot stress how grateful I am to have Brett's mom and brother who allowed me and my 2 dogs to move into their house last June. I honestly do not know where I would be without them.
As for how I am dealing with this whole widowhood thing......I still have my moments. Brett has been gone 2 years and almost 3 months. I think of him almost everyday and I can truly say I have been changed forever. I will never EVER be the same person again. The day he died a literal piece of me died as well and there is nothing I can do to change that. There are days I feel alone, there are days I feel thankful, there are days I lose hope, there are days I am laughing on the inside with memories but everyday no matter what is going on....he remains in my heart. I still say that I am one of the lucky ones because I had an amazing man who truly loved me and I had a very happy marriage even with the cancer and struggles. Brett will always be my hero <3
I really should be sleeping because I have a ginormous history final exam at 9am in the morning. No more nursing classes for me :( unfortunately I did not make it through the nursing program. In December of last year I found out that I "failed" one of my classes by 3 points. Yup 3 points determined my future. I received an 83% in a class that required an 84% to move on in the program. So on the day before my 33rd birthday I had my meeting with the program directors and was officially dismissed from the nursing program I had been working for 5 years to get through. Next to the day I lost my husband and my daddy, that was one of the hardest days of my life. I will never forget driving home from the meeting that day with tears streaming from my face. I was devastated to put it mildly. I still have harsh feelings about the whole thing but I cannot focus on it. I have to move forward (story of my life!). So as of right now I am finishing up my Bachelor's Degree of Health care Administration (graduating in January of 2013) and then going to work on getting a BSN through an accelerated second degree program at Oakland University! I will still become a nurse one day!
Quick update on some other things....I was laid off from my job of 8 years in December of 2010 which led to me eventually losing my apartment last summer. THANKFULLY I have amazing in-laws and they took me in because I literally had nowhere else to go. I do not have any family other than my mother (that is a strained relationship these days) so I cannot stress how grateful I am to have Brett's mom and brother who allowed me and my 2 dogs to move into their house last June. I honestly do not know where I would be without them.
As for how I am dealing with this whole widowhood thing......I still have my moments. Brett has been gone 2 years and almost 3 months. I think of him almost everyday and I can truly say I have been changed forever. I will never EVER be the same person again. The day he died a literal piece of me died as well and there is nothing I can do to change that. There are days I feel alone, there are days I feel thankful, there are days I lose hope, there are days I am laughing on the inside with memories but everyday no matter what is going on....he remains in my heart. I still say that I am one of the lucky ones because I had an amazing man who truly loved me and I had a very happy marriage even with the cancer and struggles. Brett will always be my hero <3
Sunday, January 9, 2011
The night before school......
This blog is going to be full of random thoughts....that's just where I'm at today!
Tomorrow morning I re-enter the world of nursing education. I've been off for a month now and it really seems like longer since I was done with this particular class half way through last time. It feels strange knowing I'm entering a whole new class.....I've gotten pretty close to the class I was in. The great thing however is that I have a GREAT group of ladies re-entering with me including my BFF :-) I washed my scrubs, did all my pre-reading and packed my back pack...I'm ready to go!
I'm super nervous about Tuesday however because I have to go into work. I know that it's going to be a rough day after the whole "fighting my unemployment" thing. Sad thing is I was so hurt by the whole situation that I'm actually dreading walking in there. I feel like I see the whole place differently now. I've worked there 9 years and I've grown to feel like they're all members of my extended family until this incident. It just shocked me and I took it very personally. I feel like they thought I was somehow trying to "screw" them by applying for benefits.....when really ALL I'm doing is trying to survive. I have a feeling the only reason they offered me Tuesday is because they were hoping I would turn it down "because of school" and then it would be my CHOICE to leave. I don't know it all feels fishy to me and its very upsetting :(
I have felt terribly sick all day today. I woke up 2 times last night with my knee absolutely ON FIRE. It was this excruciating burning pain that actually had me screaming (not full boar....but I was making noise lol). Then my hip started to burn as well. I still have to do some more research about osteoarthritis because I'm not sure if that's a symptom or not. I know my knee is hurting because it's injured and just getting worse every day I walk around on it "pretending there is nothing wrong" --> as my doctor puts it lol. It was starting to feel a tiny bit better until today. So all this burning pain and aching in my joints has made me a wreck today. I feel like I have no energy what so ever! I was supposed to go over and see Kirk but I didn't make it and that says a lot for me because I usually run over there no matter whats going on to see him. I have to admit I was a little hurt that he didn't come see ME. I do need to address this issue eventually because on days like today when I feel shitty, it would be nice not to spend the day alone. My phone was acting up all day as well so I couldn't even talk to anyone. Its been a shitty, sad day! yuck. Hopefully tomorrow is much better :)
Tomorrow morning I re-enter the world of nursing education. I've been off for a month now and it really seems like longer since I was done with this particular class half way through last time. It feels strange knowing I'm entering a whole new class.....I've gotten pretty close to the class I was in. The great thing however is that I have a GREAT group of ladies re-entering with me including my BFF :-) I washed my scrubs, did all my pre-reading and packed my back pack...I'm ready to go!
I'm super nervous about Tuesday however because I have to go into work. I know that it's going to be a rough day after the whole "fighting my unemployment" thing. Sad thing is I was so hurt by the whole situation that I'm actually dreading walking in there. I feel like I see the whole place differently now. I've worked there 9 years and I've grown to feel like they're all members of my extended family until this incident. It just shocked me and I took it very personally. I feel like they thought I was somehow trying to "screw" them by applying for benefits.....when really ALL I'm doing is trying to survive. I have a feeling the only reason they offered me Tuesday is because they were hoping I would turn it down "because of school" and then it would be my CHOICE to leave. I don't know it all feels fishy to me and its very upsetting :(
I have felt terribly sick all day today. I woke up 2 times last night with my knee absolutely ON FIRE. It was this excruciating burning pain that actually had me screaming (not full boar....but I was making noise lol). Then my hip started to burn as well. I still have to do some more research about osteoarthritis because I'm not sure if that's a symptom or not. I know my knee is hurting because it's injured and just getting worse every day I walk around on it "pretending there is nothing wrong" --> as my doctor puts it lol. It was starting to feel a tiny bit better until today. So all this burning pain and aching in my joints has made me a wreck today. I feel like I have no energy what so ever! I was supposed to go over and see Kirk but I didn't make it and that says a lot for me because I usually run over there no matter whats going on to see him. I have to admit I was a little hurt that he didn't come see ME. I do need to address this issue eventually because on days like today when I feel shitty, it would be nice not to spend the day alone. My phone was acting up all day as well so I couldn't even talk to anyone. Its been a shitty, sad day! yuck. Hopefully tomorrow is much better :)
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Today is the first day of a brand new year...2011. I can still remember clearly the turn of the year 2000, its amazing how fast the years go. We have entered a new decade and I truly hope it's a good one for everyone. The past decade has been such a struggle for me but I am going to try to look forward and see the good in life ahead and the possibility of change in the right direction.
The thing that trips me out of the most about the New Year is the fact that March is right around the corner....meaning that Brett will have been gone for a year. For some reason that keeps sticking in my head and I keep pondering over that fact. It seems so sureal to me how much my life has changed since he passed away. That part never gets easier.....how literally overnight every single thing in life can flip upside down. I go back to it everytime but it's almost like it happened in slow motion. For some reason I have this vivid view of myself lying in bed the night before everything happened. I can see myself getting frustrated with the damn cable going in and out while I was trying to watch my scrap booking show I had on DVR. I still remember the last "goodnight kiss" Brett gave me that night. As I gave him a hug and a kiss like every other night...he tucked me in....and that ended up being the last time. It's so strange how a seeminly regular night sticks in my mind so much.
I cannot describe the emotional rollar coaster I've been on since he died. Some days I can't get him out of my head. Our old apartment stands like a fricking time capsule since I moved out. Sometimes I have to drive right by it because my mom lives in the back of the complex. I have no idea why it hasn't been rented out. I see the fake snow I put on the windows last Christmas. There are NO words that can express how stuff like that makes me feel. Then there are some days when I feel strong and I feel like Brett is standing by me and I know everything will work out ok. I'm not sure I will ever stop loving him. That man changed everything about me and our relationship was special (sounds cliche but it was). I was blessed to have him in my life. Ok this is making me sad so I'm heading to bed!
Here's to a good year for all!
The thing that trips me out of the most about the New Year is the fact that March is right around the corner....meaning that Brett will have been gone for a year. For some reason that keeps sticking in my head and I keep pondering over that fact. It seems so sureal to me how much my life has changed since he passed away. That part never gets easier.....how literally overnight every single thing in life can flip upside down. I go back to it everytime but it's almost like it happened in slow motion. For some reason I have this vivid view of myself lying in bed the night before everything happened. I can see myself getting frustrated with the damn cable going in and out while I was trying to watch my scrap booking show I had on DVR. I still remember the last "goodnight kiss" Brett gave me that night. As I gave him a hug and a kiss like every other night...he tucked me in....and that ended up being the last time. It's so strange how a seeminly regular night sticks in my mind so much.
I cannot describe the emotional rollar coaster I've been on since he died. Some days I can't get him out of my head. Our old apartment stands like a fricking time capsule since I moved out. Sometimes I have to drive right by it because my mom lives in the back of the complex. I have no idea why it hasn't been rented out. I see the fake snow I put on the windows last Christmas. There are NO words that can express how stuff like that makes me feel. Then there are some days when I feel strong and I feel like Brett is standing by me and I know everything will work out ok. I'm not sure I will ever stop loving him. That man changed everything about me and our relationship was special (sounds cliche but it was). I was blessed to have him in my life. Ok this is making me sad so I'm heading to bed!
Here's to a good year for all!
Hello, Goodbye
Today is the first day of a brand new year...2011. I can still remember clearly the turn of the year 2000, its amazing how fast the years go. We have entered a new decade and I truly hope it's a good one for everyone. The past decade has been such a struggle for me but I am going to try to look forward and see the good in life ahead and the possibility of change in the right direction.
The thing that trips me out of the most about the New Year is the fact that March is right around the corner....meaning that Brett will have been gone for a year. For some reason that keeps sticking in my head and I keep pondering over that fact. It seems so sureal to me how much my life has changed since he passed away. That part never gets easier.....how literally overnight every single thing in life can flip upside down. I go back to it everytime but it's almost like it happened in slow motion. For some reason I have this vivid view of myself lying in bed the night before everything happened. I can see myself getting frustrated with the damn cable going in and out while I was trying to watch my scrap booking show I had on DVR. I still remember the last "goodnight kiss" Brett gave me that night. As I gave him a hug and a kiss like every other night...he tucked me in....and that ended up being the last time. It's so strange how a seeminly regular night sticks in my mind so much.
I cannot describe the emotional rollar coaster I've been on since he died. Some days I can't get him out of my head. Our old apartment stands like a fricking time capsule since I moved out. Sometimes I have to drive right by it because my mom lives in the back of the complex. I have no idea why it hasn't been rented out. I see the fake snow I put on the windows last Christmas. There are NO words that can express how stuff like that makes me feel. Then there are some days when I feel strong and I feel like Brett is standing by me and I know everything will work out ok. I'm not sure I will ever stop loving him. That man changed everything about me and our relationship was special (sounds cliche but it was). I was blessed to have him in my life. Ok this is making me sad so I'm heading to bed!
Here's to a good year for all!
The thing that trips me out of the most about the New Year is the fact that March is right around the corner....meaning that Brett will have been gone for a year. For some reason that keeps sticking in my head and I keep pondering over that fact. It seems so sureal to me how much my life has changed since he passed away. That part never gets easier.....how literally overnight every single thing in life can flip upside down. I go back to it everytime but it's almost like it happened in slow motion. For some reason I have this vivid view of myself lying in bed the night before everything happened. I can see myself getting frustrated with the damn cable going in and out while I was trying to watch my scrap booking show I had on DVR. I still remember the last "goodnight kiss" Brett gave me that night. As I gave him a hug and a kiss like every other night...he tucked me in....and that ended up being the last time. It's so strange how a seeminly regular night sticks in my mind so much.
I cannot describe the emotional rollar coaster I've been on since he died. Some days I can't get him out of my head. Our old apartment stands like a fricking time capsule since I moved out. Sometimes I have to drive right by it because my mom lives in the back of the complex. I have no idea why it hasn't been rented out. I see the fake snow I put on the windows last Christmas. There are NO words that can express how stuff like that makes me feel. Then there are some days when I feel strong and I feel like Brett is standing by me and I know everything will work out ok. I'm not sure I will ever stop loving him. That man changed everything about me and our relationship was special (sounds cliche but it was). I was blessed to have him in my life. Ok this is making me sad so I'm heading to bed!
Here's to a good year for all!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Insomnia, my old friend
Well it's currently 1:58am and I'm sure I won't be sleeping for another hour or so....if not more. Last night I was up until almost 5:30am so I didn't wake up until noon. Then I took a nap this afternoon. I hate being on this sleeping schedule. I like sleeping in but not till noon everyday. This always happens to me when I'm not working or in school. I always end up not being able to sleep....it bugs the hell out of me.
I went over to visit Kirk tonight after my nap. He was so tired he fell asleep on me like 3 times. I finally decided to leave around midnight because I felt really bad, like I was keeping him from resting. He seemed upset when I left but I didn't know what else to do. He's worked all week and I didn't want to get in the way of him getting some good sleep. Tomorrow is New Years Eve and him and Lisa are coming to chill at my house :) so I need him to get sleep tonight so he doesnt fall asleep on me tomorrow night lol.
This is a short blog because I really don't have much else to say...just didn't want to let a day go by without writing something so here ya go, my life is so exciting! lmao
I went over to visit Kirk tonight after my nap. He was so tired he fell asleep on me like 3 times. I finally decided to leave around midnight because I felt really bad, like I was keeping him from resting. He seemed upset when I left but I didn't know what else to do. He's worked all week and I didn't want to get in the way of him getting some good sleep. Tomorrow is New Years Eve and him and Lisa are coming to chill at my house :) so I need him to get sleep tonight so he doesnt fall asleep on me tomorrow night lol.
This is a short blog because I really don't have much else to say...just didn't want to let a day go by without writing something so here ya go, my life is so exciting! lmao
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Decent day today :)
I didn't do a whole lot today but overall it was a pretty good day. I went to the bank this morning to get a cashiers check to pay my rent (DECEMBERS....eeek). It was so nice to have that off my back. Once I handed them the check however, all I could think about was how the hell I was going to pay January's rent! which is due in 2 days. When I was in the office, I spoke to the apartment manager and let her know I had been laid off. She seemed like she was somewhat understanding and I think they'll work with me. Trouble is.....I have no income! hopefully I'll hear from unemployment soon.
After the bank I just came home and chilled. I picked up my apartment a little, took a nice hot shower and laid on the couch for a few hours. It was nice to lay there and atleast know that my rent and electric were paid (both I've been struggling to pay for a while lol). I hate to say that I've gotten to this horrible financial state....but I have. I'm staying positive though, I know something will work out and I'll be ok. Today I finally sort of realized that.
Later on in the day I went over to Kirk's to have dinner with him and Pam. That was nice because its always good to see Kirk and Pam! I watched TV with Kirk for a little bit and snuggled. I have to say he is by far the BEST damn snuggler there is out there. I could lay with him forever I swear. I feel very safe when I'm with him and possibly the only time I feel relaxed. I'm starting to really adore that man. He drives me MORE than batty sometimes but he means the world to me and I know with every ounce of my being that he is one of the good ones and I'm not letting him go. We mesh well together and he makes me smile so I'm going with it.
Incase you all missed it.....yes.....I'm dating my former brother in law, Brett's twin. Honestly it just happened, there was no prethought or intention on either of our parts. We have always been close because him and Brett were inseperable. I can't explain it totally but it makes sense to me. I know in my heart that Brett would be ok with it because he would want both of us to be happy. The only opinions that truly matter to me are Bretts and my mother in law's. Pam is completley ok with it, she honestly supports it which is really nice. It is what it is and it's my decision :)
One bad thing did happen when I got home though. I fell outside while attempting to take the trash out. I had 2 bags of trash and was trying to walk....(key word trying) and the next thing I knew I was all spralled out with garbage everywhere. I scraped and twisted my bad knee but I feel ok right now so I don't think I did any more harm, hopefully.
To end this blog I'd like to say that I have falled in best friend love with Lisa Kuhn! that girl fricking cracks me up and is always there to make me smile. I'm so gald I met her in school and honestly could not do any of this without her. I'm not kissing ass just because I know she'll read this...I really adore that girl! xoxo
After the bank I just came home and chilled. I picked up my apartment a little, took a nice hot shower and laid on the couch for a few hours. It was nice to lay there and atleast know that my rent and electric were paid (both I've been struggling to pay for a while lol). I hate to say that I've gotten to this horrible financial state....but I have. I'm staying positive though, I know something will work out and I'll be ok. Today I finally sort of realized that.
Later on in the day I went over to Kirk's to have dinner with him and Pam. That was nice because its always good to see Kirk and Pam! I watched TV with Kirk for a little bit and snuggled. I have to say he is by far the BEST damn snuggler there is out there. I could lay with him forever I swear. I feel very safe when I'm with him and possibly the only time I feel relaxed. I'm starting to really adore that man. He drives me MORE than batty sometimes but he means the world to me and I know with every ounce of my being that he is one of the good ones and I'm not letting him go. We mesh well together and he makes me smile so I'm going with it.
Incase you all missed it.....yes.....I'm dating my former brother in law, Brett's twin. Honestly it just happened, there was no prethought or intention on either of our parts. We have always been close because him and Brett were inseperable. I can't explain it totally but it makes sense to me. I know in my heart that Brett would be ok with it because he would want both of us to be happy. The only opinions that truly matter to me are Bretts and my mother in law's. Pam is completley ok with it, she honestly supports it which is really nice. It is what it is and it's my decision :)
One bad thing did happen when I got home though. I fell outside while attempting to take the trash out. I had 2 bags of trash and was trying to walk....(key word trying) and the next thing I knew I was all spralled out with garbage everywhere. I scraped and twisted my bad knee but I feel ok right now so I don't think I did any more harm, hopefully.
To end this blog I'd like to say that I have falled in best friend love with Lisa Kuhn! that girl fricking cracks me up and is always there to make me smile. I'm so gald I met her in school and honestly could not do any of this without her. I'm not kissing ass just because I know she'll read this...I really adore that girl! xoxo
Stupid internet!
I feel like a crazy person staring at the damn lights on my modem.....my internet has been working sporatically and its driving me batty. I spent an hour on the phone with WOW today trying to fix it only for them to tell me that someone had to come out. So I was sitting there tonight watching TV and I saw that the "cable light" was on solid....wooohoooo....blog time!
Today was a productive day for me. I opened up a new bank account, applied for unemployment and food stamps, and paid my electric bill. Now that I'm not working and not in school until January 10th I have become "miss lazy pants". Its so hard to get my ass off the fricking couch. The piggles (my dogs) and I are all starting to meld together. Today I knew I had some stuff I HAD to do so I got up and did it which made me feel good. Some of my problem I'm sure is depression. Sometimes I get into these moods where I just feel like I don't care about anything anymore. Like I described it to my mom "the world could fall apart around me I don't care". That has NEVER been me. I always try to stay positive and look towards the future. I'm not sure whats going on but I'm sure it has a hell of a lot to do with Brett. I still think about him all the time and wonder what life would be like now if he was still alive. Christmas day marked 9 months since he's died and in some ways it feels like YEARS. My entire life is so different now.....I'm dating someone (one day I'll explain that whole situation) and I have strong feelings for him. But on the other hand I am still greiving my husband and sometimes I even cry out "I just want my husband back". It feels like he was the the only one sometimes that truly understood me. We had one hell of a life together and I don't think I'll EVER stop missing him. I have such a close relationship with his mother (better than the one I have with my own) which I am so grateful for. She's really been my rock and I go to her for everything.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Christmas.......uh huh
I logged in today and was flabbergasted by how long it's been since I've written. I starting thinking the other day that I would possibly start writing again and today (whats better than Christmas Day) is the day.
I won't go into great detail about where I've been for the past 5 months but in a nutshell, here it is. I have been going to school and working. Unfortunately I ended up having to retake this quarter (med/surg) due to the fact that I had to miss 2 clinical days. I am happy now that I am getting a chance to retake the class and am thrilled that my best nursing buddies are with me :D. When I'm not in school, I'm working. I've been trying to work as much as possible just to "attempt" to keep my head somewhat above water. I never realized how hard it is to make it on your own.....this is the FIRST time in my life I've been completely on my own so it's been quite an adjustment for me. I've been struggling financially that's for sure and am currently just concerned with keeping a roof over my head. Two days ago my boss informed me that they had no more work for me and I was being laid off......not good timing.
This was by far the strangest and most upsetting Christmas time I've ever had. I have loved Christmas so much since as long as I can remember. I always performed throughout school in show choir so Christmas was a big time of year for me. Brett and I always made our holidays special and this year was definitely tough not having him here with me. For the first time ever I made the decision to "ignore" Christmas. I didn't decorate, I didn't shop, I listen to Christmas music....nothing. I just couldn't handle it what so ever....so I chose not to deal with it at all. Probably not my finest moment...but a defense mechanism none the less. Kirk (we'll get into him later) came over last night which was nice since he hasn't been over in months. That was something that really made me smile.....he actually came over :). Today I went over to his house to have dinner with Pam and him. It ended up being really nice....I didn't stay long but they both got me gifts (pleasantly unexpected) and we had a great meal. I'm glad I "broke down my wall" (as Lisa would have put it) and went over there.
I'm too exhausted to write much more. I really wanted to put together a Christmas through the ages photo show in this blog but I couldn't find the CD with all my pictures on it. I suppose I'll save that for another time. I miss Brett from the bottom of my heart today and everyday.
Merry Christmas
I won't go into great detail about where I've been for the past 5 months but in a nutshell, here it is. I have been going to school and working. Unfortunately I ended up having to retake this quarter (med/surg) due to the fact that I had to miss 2 clinical days. I am happy now that I am getting a chance to retake the class and am thrilled that my best nursing buddies are with me :D. When I'm not in school, I'm working. I've been trying to work as much as possible just to "attempt" to keep my head somewhat above water. I never realized how hard it is to make it on your own.....this is the FIRST time in my life I've been completely on my own so it's been quite an adjustment for me. I've been struggling financially that's for sure and am currently just concerned with keeping a roof over my head. Two days ago my boss informed me that they had no more work for me and I was being laid off......not good timing.
This was by far the strangest and most upsetting Christmas time I've ever had. I have loved Christmas so much since as long as I can remember. I always performed throughout school in show choir so Christmas was a big time of year for me. Brett and I always made our holidays special and this year was definitely tough not having him here with me. For the first time ever I made the decision to "ignore" Christmas. I didn't decorate, I didn't shop, I listen to Christmas music....nothing. I just couldn't handle it what so ever....so I chose not to deal with it at all. Probably not my finest moment...but a defense mechanism none the less. Kirk (we'll get into him later) came over last night which was nice since he hasn't been over in months. That was something that really made me smile.....he actually came over :). Today I went over to his house to have dinner with Pam and him. It ended up being really nice....I didn't stay long but they both got me gifts (pleasantly unexpected) and we had a great meal. I'm glad I "broke down my wall" (as Lisa would have put it) and went over there.
I'm too exhausted to write much more. I really wanted to put together a Christmas through the ages photo show in this blog but I couldn't find the CD with all my pictures on it. I suppose I'll save that for another time. I miss Brett from the bottom of my heart today and everyday.
Merry Christmas
Monday, July 5, 2010
Starting the process
Yesterday, on Independence Day, My brother in law Kirk and I took a road trip up to Mount Pleasant and took some of Brett with us. I have been sitting here for 3 months knowing that my poor husband is sitting the top of the closet "waiting" to be scattered. When Brett and I would talk about what he wanted done with his ashes, he would say to me "put them where ever you want to, just make sure some are up north with my family". I pondered this concept very much since he's passed, all I EVER wanted to do for him was the right thing. I always wanted to make him happy, his happiness was everything to me. I suppose, looking back I may have gotten a little caught up in taking care of him but that was the life I knew as his wife. I loved him ENOUGH to stand by his side and take care of him when he needed me. So when it came to deciding on his final resting place/places......this is what I have decided:
For me, I wanted him to be in Mount Pleasant. Late August 1999, I met was introuduced to him by my current boyfriend. As I've stated many times, there was an immediate spark between us. Obviously it had to remain a friendship for sometime because I was otherwise involved. I took some of his ashes to the grassy spot right underneath the widows of our old door rooms. Herrig Hall rooms 118 (mine) and 119 (his). Right at the end of the hall where him and I could sneak down the stairs and have a cigerette at all hours of the night. The fun times we ALL had in those 2 door rooms was amazing!! I have SO many good memories of water fights, Las nights and Brett's loud laugh annoying us through our concrete walls! I remember yelling at him once through the wall as loud as I can "shut up, we're trying to sleep" to which he replied "kiss my ass" and laughed louder. Gotta love him! In my dorm room was where he told me that he loved me for the first time. We had been dating for about a month and he said (all adorable and such) that he had something to tell me......than he says "I know its only been a month but I feel like I love you". Of course I agreed with him and felt the same. We had a connection I simply cannot explain. As I stood on the grass under the windows I smiled because I knew that now he would always lay outside our rooms.
The next place we took him was to the library. When I met him he had gotten offered a job at the library and because he absolutley hated his Subway job, he jumped on it. At the time the library was held in Finch Fieldhouse and was a "disaster pit of hell" (as he called it). There were trying to get funding for the new library but the funds needed exceeded 120 million dollars. Finally they got funding and I remember making fun of Brett because he was so excited the day they broke ground on the new building. He worked at the reference desk and loved every second of it. Kirk said today maybe it was because he was surrounded by all those books, and that really stuck with me because he's right! Brett loved to read, he loved fiction and fantasy lands. I loved that side of him, the creative side. Taking him to the library meant so much to me because I KNEW for a fact he would be so happy to now be a part of the landscape, I know that would have made him so happy.
After the library it was off to our old apartment at the Forum, B105. That was our very first place together, we actually signed the lease as friends with Jenn. I remember the day we moved in and he wanted to take pictures. I still have one of him sneaking around the kitchen with his middle finger up but a big bright smile of his face. He was "evading" the camera but being a ham all at the same time. We lived at the Forum apartment from 2000-2001. So many life changing things happened to us there. We literally survived on less than $400/month. Brett had paid up his rent with his financial aide so his rent was paid for but I couldnt find and/or keep work so we struggled very much there. We fought a lot there and even broke up for 2 weeks. He started to get sick there. I remember when we came back from Christmas break he had this horrible back ache and a low grade fever, that was the start of everything. I had mixed feelings about being at the Forum. But I felt like it was a true turning point for us. We had to decided how worth it our relationship was because we were getting everything thrown in our faces, life was kicking our ass. It tested us. Once Brett was diagnosed on June 25, 2001 absolutley everything changed. We both quit school and moved home. He was in full blown treatment by mid-July. Not only did our location change, our relationship changed as well. His diagnosis put into perspective that nothing else mattered. As long as we had each other, nothing else mattered. And so the fight began..............
I am so glad we took him up there and I thank Kirk from the bottom of my heart for being there with me. One strange thing did happen to us that I have to share. We sat in a parking lot watching the Soaring Eagle fireworks (I insisted we go because I wanted to see some damn fireworks). Kirk had his iPod playing and the guitarist Joe Satriani came on and all of a sudden the fireworks and the music matched perfectly. It was the strangest thing I've ever seen....almost like Brett was with us and saying "thanks for bringing me here guys". It was so cool, and a bonding moment for Kirk and I. I am so glad that I still have Brett's brothers, who feel like they're my own.
It was a special day thats for sure.
For me, I wanted him to be in Mount Pleasant. Late August 1999, I met was introuduced to him by my current boyfriend. As I've stated many times, there was an immediate spark between us. Obviously it had to remain a friendship for sometime because I was otherwise involved. I took some of his ashes to the grassy spot right underneath the widows of our old door rooms. Herrig Hall rooms 118 (mine) and 119 (his). Right at the end of the hall where him and I could sneak down the stairs and have a cigerette at all hours of the night. The fun times we ALL had in those 2 door rooms was amazing!! I have SO many good memories of water fights, Las nights and Brett's loud laugh annoying us through our concrete walls! I remember yelling at him once through the wall as loud as I can "shut up, we're trying to sleep" to which he replied "kiss my ass" and laughed louder. Gotta love him! In my dorm room was where he told me that he loved me for the first time. We had been dating for about a month and he said (all adorable and such) that he had something to tell me......than he says "I know its only been a month but I feel like I love you". Of course I agreed with him and felt the same. We had a connection I simply cannot explain. As I stood on the grass under the windows I smiled because I knew that now he would always lay outside our rooms.
The next place we took him was to the library. When I met him he had gotten offered a job at the library and because he absolutley hated his Subway job, he jumped on it. At the time the library was held in Finch Fieldhouse and was a "disaster pit of hell" (as he called it). There were trying to get funding for the new library but the funds needed exceeded 120 million dollars. Finally they got funding and I remember making fun of Brett because he was so excited the day they broke ground on the new building. He worked at the reference desk and loved every second of it. Kirk said today maybe it was because he was surrounded by all those books, and that really stuck with me because he's right! Brett loved to read, he loved fiction and fantasy lands. I loved that side of him, the creative side. Taking him to the library meant so much to me because I KNEW for a fact he would be so happy to now be a part of the landscape, I know that would have made him so happy.
After the library it was off to our old apartment at the Forum, B105. That was our very first place together, we actually signed the lease as friends with Jenn. I remember the day we moved in and he wanted to take pictures. I still have one of him sneaking around the kitchen with his middle finger up but a big bright smile of his face. He was "evading" the camera but being a ham all at the same time. We lived at the Forum apartment from 2000-2001. So many life changing things happened to us there. We literally survived on less than $400/month. Brett had paid up his rent with his financial aide so his rent was paid for but I couldnt find and/or keep work so we struggled very much there. We fought a lot there and even broke up for 2 weeks. He started to get sick there. I remember when we came back from Christmas break he had this horrible back ache and a low grade fever, that was the start of everything. I had mixed feelings about being at the Forum. But I felt like it was a true turning point for us. We had to decided how worth it our relationship was because we were getting everything thrown in our faces, life was kicking our ass. It tested us. Once Brett was diagnosed on June 25, 2001 absolutley everything changed. We both quit school and moved home. He was in full blown treatment by mid-July. Not only did our location change, our relationship changed as well. His diagnosis put into perspective that nothing else mattered. As long as we had each other, nothing else mattered. And so the fight began..............
I am so glad we took him up there and I thank Kirk from the bottom of my heart for being there with me. One strange thing did happen to us that I have to share. We sat in a parking lot watching the Soaring Eagle fireworks (I insisted we go because I wanted to see some damn fireworks). Kirk had his iPod playing and the guitarist Joe Satriani came on and all of a sudden the fireworks and the music matched perfectly. It was the strangest thing I've ever seen....almost like Brett was with us and saying "thanks for bringing me here guys". It was so cool, and a bonding moment for Kirk and I. I am so glad that I still have Brett's brothers, who feel like they're my own.
It was a special day thats for sure.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Thinking out loud, quietly...
Well it's Sunday night, before the beginning of my first full week back to work in really.....years. I have been working part time for the past 3 years because of Brett's medical coverage. I had to make under a certain amount in order to qualify for his medications and treatments. Now I am going to be back to work full time, it will be an adjustment for me but I am thrilled about having a job and even being ALLOWED to work full time!!
Thinking about working made me realize truly how much of my entire life revolved around Brett and/or his cancer. I love that man with every inch of my soul, heart and body but it was hard to live the life we lead. It was hard to constantly worry about him and worry about how to pay for his meds and treatments. It was terribly hard to watch him in pain and on his "bad" days. My whole mood for the day was always set by him and how he woke up that morning. I am by NO means happy not to have him anymore but I am starting to feel the release of a little bit of the pressure, stress and worrying. Sadly in some ways I believe I have been living on "auto-pilot" for the past 8 years. Dont get me wrong, there were some precious, happy moments mixed into those years.......that's what kept us going and loving each other everyday. It's just a bit of a shock to really take a look back and SEE what we have been going through. I feel stress now with surviving on my own, I feel pressure to be independent (because I have VERY few people I can trust and rely on), I still feel sadness for Brett and our lost life together............
But I also am starting to feel hope..........hope that maybe, just maybe, life might turn out ok afterall. I will always think of boo and our life, how can I not? We built our life togther, we had almost 12 years of history together as best friends and lovers. I will always smile when I think of him dancing around the living room because something really cool just happen. I will always laugh when I think of him saying "stop, woman stop" (he always cracked me up). I will always remember our first kiss and the day he proposed when he wrote "will you merry or marry me?" on the card. We laughed about that forever.....he was so adorable. He got down on one knee and opened the ring upside down. I adored that man.
I am starting to find some peace inside my heart for him, for us and for my future...
Thinking about working made me realize truly how much of my entire life revolved around Brett and/or his cancer. I love that man with every inch of my soul, heart and body but it was hard to live the life we lead. It was hard to constantly worry about him and worry about how to pay for his meds and treatments. It was terribly hard to watch him in pain and on his "bad" days. My whole mood for the day was always set by him and how he woke up that morning. I am by NO means happy not to have him anymore but I am starting to feel the release of a little bit of the pressure, stress and worrying. Sadly in some ways I believe I have been living on "auto-pilot" for the past 8 years. Dont get me wrong, there were some precious, happy moments mixed into those years.......that's what kept us going and loving each other everyday. It's just a bit of a shock to really take a look back and SEE what we have been going through. I feel stress now with surviving on my own, I feel pressure to be independent (because I have VERY few people I can trust and rely on), I still feel sadness for Brett and our lost life together............
But I also am starting to feel hope..........hope that maybe, just maybe, life might turn out ok afterall. I will always think of boo and our life, how can I not? We built our life togther, we had almost 12 years of history together as best friends and lovers. I will always smile when I think of him dancing around the living room because something really cool just happen. I will always laugh when I think of him saying "stop, woman stop" (he always cracked me up). I will always remember our first kiss and the day he proposed when he wrote "will you merry or marry me?" on the card. We laughed about that forever.....he was so adorable. He got down on one knee and opened the ring upside down. I adored that man.
I am starting to find some peace inside my heart for him, for us and for my future...
Its been a while.....
I can't sleep, so I figured I would jot down something in this blog since its been forever since I've written anything. Things are going ok, some things are going really well, like school for example. I officially finishied AND passed my first quarter of Nursing school :-)!!!! I was so relieved to get my grades. I am very happy that I made it through the firs term and even though the second term (Med/Surg 1) is supposed to be known as the "hardest" term, the things I've learned this time around will help next time!
As of this past Thursday, I returned to work at United Resin Corporation. Up until 2 weeks before, I had nothing lined up as far as work goes. I was terrified that I wouldn't find anything, but luckily they were able to find work for me. Its good to be back, be "home" so to speak. I've worked there 8 years now and even though the place drives me INSANE sometimes, it is like a second family to me. The first day I worked was really hard because it was the first time I'd been back there since 2 days before Brett died. I can remember my last day there like it was yesterday, its the strangest thing. I remember the job I was working on and what I was thinking.....its freaky. Being back there made me sad because Brett was such a huge part of my "working day". I'd call him on my breaks and lunch to make sure he was doing ok. I was constantly thinking about him when I was at work. I work 45 minutes away from home and it always used to scare me that he would need me for something and it would take me so long to get to him. Walking through the doors Thursday morning was another slap in the face that he's really gone. I also work with his mom, which is good but somewhat sad as well. I also had a hard time AFTER work, walking in the door and not having him there to greet me. He was the BEST husband ever when it came to taking care of me. He did everything for me, he'd have coffee, diner, house clean and pets in line when I'd get home from work. He always had a smile and a hug for me......I missed that terribly on Thursday.
His birthday is coming up on the 25th and that is making me sad too. None of us knew last year that would end up being his last birthday......LIFE IS SHORT...........let my story be a true testiment to that people!! My heart is also broken for his twin, Kirk because I know his 37th birthday will always be the "first birthday without boo". I cant ever understand how he'll be feeling that day but my heart is with him. He's been a great friend since Brett's passed, Brett's mom has also been amazing to me. They both check on me and invite me over for diner......its really nice.
As of this past Thursday, I returned to work at United Resin Corporation. Up until 2 weeks before, I had nothing lined up as far as work goes. I was terrified that I wouldn't find anything, but luckily they were able to find work for me. Its good to be back, be "home" so to speak. I've worked there 8 years now and even though the place drives me INSANE sometimes, it is like a second family to me. The first day I worked was really hard because it was the first time I'd been back there since 2 days before Brett died. I can remember my last day there like it was yesterday, its the strangest thing. I remember the job I was working on and what I was thinking.....its freaky. Being back there made me sad because Brett was such a huge part of my "working day". I'd call him on my breaks and lunch to make sure he was doing ok. I was constantly thinking about him when I was at work. I work 45 minutes away from home and it always used to scare me that he would need me for something and it would take me so long to get to him. Walking through the doors Thursday morning was another slap in the face that he's really gone. I also work with his mom, which is good but somewhat sad as well. I also had a hard time AFTER work, walking in the door and not having him there to greet me. He was the BEST husband ever when it came to taking care of me. He did everything for me, he'd have coffee, diner, house clean and pets in line when I'd get home from work. He always had a smile and a hug for me......I missed that terribly on Thursday.
His birthday is coming up on the 25th and that is making me sad too. None of us knew last year that would end up being his last birthday......LIFE IS SHORT...........let my story be a true testiment to that people!! My heart is also broken for his twin, Kirk because I know his 37th birthday will always be the "first birthday without boo". I cant ever understand how he'll be feeling that day but my heart is with him. He's been a great friend since Brett's passed, Brett's mom has also been amazing to me. They both check on me and invite me over for diner......its really nice.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Long time since I've written......
My last post was on May 5th I believe! I can't believe its been almost a month since I've written anything. That just goes to show you how intense school has been for me. I'm sure no one is missing my boring posts but for the moment, it feels good to release the past month into words.
As for school, as of this VERY moment I am passing all of my classess. I am right on the line (just over) in most of them, which means it will all come down to my final exams in 2 weeks. I am still holding out hope that I can make this happen and end up becoming a SECOND term Nursing student!! thats the goal anyways. Today was our last day of clinicals at the hospital for the quarter and after 8 weeks there, it was a little tough to say goodbye.....but also very relieving. Every day I showed up there I was nervous, throughout my time there I did eventually begin to get the hang of things. I had the BEST clinical instructor EVER....Thank you Emily! she really taught me SO much and I am so glad she was my first for clinical rounds. I've seen and learned a lot these past 8 weeks at St. Joseph's Mercy Oakland Pontiac - Unit 4G (SJMO). Our unit was a medical Oncology unit so I had many patients who were either undergoing treatment for cancer or were in their final moments with Mercy Hospice Care. I think I saw the entire gammet of cancer treatment. We had a patient that was 2 days from the discovery of a brain tumor, I personally had 3 patients that were undergoing current chemotherapy and/or radiation, I have had 2 patients that were in remission and 1 patient that sadly died at the end of my shift. I believe this was a good experience for me being on a Med Onc unit first time around because it was a test of who I am really am inside and if I can really work with cancer patients.
As for my personal life, things have been ok. I still have my terriby sad moments when I think about Boo and everything we went through. I think about all the sacrafices we (and he mostly) had to make. I think about all the laughter we shared and the special love that was only ours. I think about his smile and he always could turn my bad days around. I will always think of him and miss him. I am grateful to his famliy for taking care of me. His mom and Kirk in particular have really been there for me these past few weeks and I will be forever grateful.
As for school, as of this VERY moment I am passing all of my classess. I am right on the line (just over) in most of them, which means it will all come down to my final exams in 2 weeks. I am still holding out hope that I can make this happen and end up becoming a SECOND term Nursing student!! thats the goal anyways. Today was our last day of clinicals at the hospital for the quarter and after 8 weeks there, it was a little tough to say goodbye.....but also very relieving. Every day I showed up there I was nervous, throughout my time there I did eventually begin to get the hang of things. I had the BEST clinical instructor EVER....Thank you Emily! she really taught me SO much and I am so glad she was my first for clinical rounds. I've seen and learned a lot these past 8 weeks at St. Joseph's Mercy Oakland Pontiac - Unit 4G (SJMO). Our unit was a medical Oncology unit so I had many patients who were either undergoing treatment for cancer or were in their final moments with Mercy Hospice Care. I think I saw the entire gammet of cancer treatment. We had a patient that was 2 days from the discovery of a brain tumor, I personally had 3 patients that were undergoing current chemotherapy and/or radiation, I have had 2 patients that were in remission and 1 patient that sadly died at the end of my shift. I believe this was a good experience for me being on a Med Onc unit first time around because it was a test of who I am really am inside and if I can really work with cancer patients.
As for my personal life, things have been ok. I still have my terriby sad moments when I think about Boo and everything we went through. I think about all the sacrafices we (and he mostly) had to make. I think about all the laughter we shared and the special love that was only ours. I think about his smile and he always could turn my bad days around. I will always think of him and miss him. I am grateful to his famliy for taking care of me. His mom and Kirk in particular have really been there for me these past few weeks and I will be forever grateful.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Sinking ship..........
Yesterday we got our midterm grades for school. My Nursing Fundamentals class: I'm failing with a 77%, my health assessment class: I'm currently getting an 89% (which I'm happy with). I was so upset when I got my Fundamentals grade which came along with an email from my teacher saying that I needed to meet with her about my chances of passing. I did some figuring on my own and determined that I can only miss 22 more points from now till the end in order to pass with an 84%. What really hurt me was this last exam. It just so happened that I had to move the weekend before and didn't get a chance to study like I should have.
They told us when we started the program that we needed to say "goodbye" to our lives, meaning that nothing else could matter while in school. The problem I'm having with that is that life is still happening around me. With Brett's death and the move.....those are things I can't control. I had no choice but to move when I did because I couldn't afford my rent. I had no choice. That exam grade REALLY hurt my overall grade and I feel that's what has put me in this position.
I'm so stressed, sad and overwhelmed. If I do fail Fundamentals I have to re-apply to the program all over again (for the third time) to re-start in the Fall. They only take a select group of repeats so I'd be competing with the others from my class that are in the same boat as me.
I hate this.
They told us when we started the program that we needed to say "goodbye" to our lives, meaning that nothing else could matter while in school. The problem I'm having with that is that life is still happening around me. With Brett's death and the move.....those are things I can't control. I had no choice but to move when I did because I couldn't afford my rent. I had no choice. That exam grade REALLY hurt my overall grade and I feel that's what has put me in this position.
I'm so stressed, sad and overwhelmed. If I do fail Fundamentals I have to re-apply to the program all over again (for the third time) to re-start in the Fall. They only take a select group of repeats so I'd be competing with the others from my class that are in the same boat as me.
I hate this.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
All moved and back online....
Its been quite a while since I've written. That's do to the fact that I've been moving.....as I sit here now, I am all moved into my new apartment and back online as of about an hour ago. I moved on May 1st and 2nd. The first 2 nights here I was so sad because I felt like I left my home behind. The only "good" thing is that I don't have to drive by my old place. I now live right in the front of my complex where before I lived off the main road (my apartment faced the main drive of our complex). I basically turn into the complex and right into my apartment now. I do glance down the street everytime I go to leave and I can just barely see our old place. I know they've been in there because the blinds are pulled up and all the lights are on. It devestates me that I had to move but it just simply wasn't possible for me to stay. I'm saving $300/month rent at this place vs the other. I still don't have a job so I don't even know how I'm going to pay THIS rent so I sure as hell wouldn't have been able to pay the previous rent.
Its just sad to me because this place feels so small and foreign to me. I miss our HOME......it felt like the final piece of the puzzle to Brett's death. Like now everything was really over. When I still lived at our old apartment, I felt like I was holding onto everything....now it feels gone. It's hard to explain but its getting a little better as the days go on. I just need to adjust to the new place. I've been so incrediblly busy with school that I haven't unpacked a single box.......that, I'm sure will help as well. I hope. This is the third apartment I've lived in at Ashgrove Apartments. We moved here (on Dogwood...our first place, a one bedroom like the one I'm in now) a week before we got married. Then in 2008 we moved into our 2 bedroom which was very exciting for us because it gave us 350 more square feet!! now.....I'm here, back to a one bedroom. It's strange to still live in the same complex after all these years but its convient for me and overall I DO like the place. I've got so many memories here both happy and sad. I said goodbye to my neighboors who all knew about Brett's death because they were home when the ambulance came that day and when I got home from the hospital. I will miss them. Here, I don't know anyone who lives around me (except my mom lives one street over). I have to get used to the sounds, sights and feelings that come with this new "home".
Its just sad to me because this place feels so small and foreign to me. I miss our HOME......it felt like the final piece of the puzzle to Brett's death. Like now everything was really over. When I still lived at our old apartment, I felt like I was holding onto everything....now it feels gone. It's hard to explain but its getting a little better as the days go on. I just need to adjust to the new place. I've been so incrediblly busy with school that I haven't unpacked a single box.......that, I'm sure will help as well. I hope. This is the third apartment I've lived in at Ashgrove Apartments. We moved here (on Dogwood...our first place, a one bedroom like the one I'm in now) a week before we got married. Then in 2008 we moved into our 2 bedroom which was very exciting for us because it gave us 350 more square feet!! now.....I'm here, back to a one bedroom. It's strange to still live in the same complex after all these years but its convient for me and overall I DO like the place. I've got so many memories here both happy and sad. I said goodbye to my neighboors who all knew about Brett's death because they were home when the ambulance came that day and when I got home from the hospital. I will miss them. Here, I don't know anyone who lives around me (except my mom lives one street over). I have to get used to the sounds, sights and feelings that come with this new "home".
Thursday, April 22, 2010
4 weeks..........
Ok, I know this looks stupid but this picture keeps sticking in my head, taken 3-23-10
I took this picture on the evening of March 23rd (the day before everything went down with Brett). I remember ever second of it like it was yesterday. I had my computer out doing some stuff for school and I started playing with my webcam. Brett was making dinner - homemade chicken sandwhiches and fries. From the kitchen he told me "you can take still pictures with your webcam" and I was like "really, ok I'll play with it". That is where this picture came from. If I close my eyes right now, I can picture him in the kitchen talking to me through the bookcases with a big smile on his face. As I started playing with the webcam and taking still pictures, he was laughing at me. We ended up both laughing about it because at the time it was a funny moment.
Ever since he died, I keep coming back to this picture. Its like I'm outside myself looking at a different person. Everything I was in the moment of this picture has now changed. I feel like a TOTALLY different person. To me, I look like a stranger here. I can remember what I was thinking and what we were doing......never knowing the next day it would ALL change forever. For me, honestly, that has been the hardest part of all of this. How FAST everything happened. I know other people have went through worse situations such as terrible car accidents where loved ones were lost in a split second. Brett and I did have the "advantage" (if you want to call it that) of being able to discuss his death and sickness. It still seemed like it happened so fast, because it really did.
So please don't think I'm conceded by putting a stupid picture of myself in my blog, but this picture represents a complete turning point in my entire life. Now I face a brand new life without Brett.......still seems impossible. Everyday I think "there's no way I can do this all without him" even though I know he'll always be with me.
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