Insomnia, my old friend

Well it's currently 1:58am and I'm sure I won't be sleeping for another hour or so....if not more.  Last night I was up until almost 5:30am so I didn't wake up until noon.  Then I took a nap this afternoon.  I hate being on this sleeping schedule.  I like sleeping in but not till noon everyday.  This always happens to me when I'm not working or in school.  I always end up not being able to sleep....it bugs the hell out of me.

I went over to visit Kirk tonight after my nap.  He was so tired he fell asleep on me like 3 times.  I finally decided to leave around midnight because I felt really bad, like I was keeping him from resting.  He seemed upset when I left but I didn't know what else to do.  He's worked all week and I didn't want to get in the way of him getting some good sleep.  Tomorrow is New Years Eve and him and Lisa are coming to chill at my house :) so I need him to get sleep tonight so he doesnt fall asleep on me tomorrow night lol.

This is a short blog because I really don't have much else to say...just didn't want to let a day go by without writing something so here ya go, my life is so exciting! lmao

Decent day today :)

I didn't do a whole lot today but overall it was a pretty good day.  I went to the bank this morning to get a cashiers check to pay my rent (DECEMBERS....eeek).  It was so nice to have that off my back.  Once I handed them the check however, all I could think about was how the hell I was going to pay January's rent! which is due in 2 days.  When I was in the office, I spoke to the apartment manager and let her know I had been laid off.  She seemed like she was somewhat understanding and I think they'll work with me.  Trouble is.....I have no income! hopefully I'll hear from unemployment soon. 


After the bank I just came home and chilled.  I picked up my apartment a little, took a nice hot shower and laid on the couch for a few hours.  It was nice to lay there and atleast know that my rent and electric were paid (both I've been struggling to pay for a while lol). I hate to say that I've gotten to this horrible financial state....but I have.  I'm staying positive though, I know something will work out and I'll be ok.  Today I finally sort of realized that.


Later on in the day I went over to Kirk's to have dinner with him and Pam.  That was nice because its always good to see Kirk and Pam! I watched TV with Kirk for a little bit and snuggled.  I have to say he is by far the BEST damn snuggler there is out there.  I could lay with him forever I swear.  I feel very safe when I'm with him and possibly the only time I feel relaxed.  I'm starting to really adore that man.  He drives me MORE than batty sometimes but he means the world to me and I know with every ounce of my being that he is one of the good ones and I'm not letting him go.  We mesh well together and he makes me smile so I'm going with it.


Incase you all missed it.....yes.....I'm dating my former brother in law, Brett's twin.  Honestly it just happened, there was no prethought or intention on either of our parts.  We have always been close because him and Brett were inseperable.  I can't explain it totally but it makes sense to me.  I know in my heart that Brett would be ok with it because he would want both of us to be happy.  The only opinions that truly matter to me are Bretts and my mother in law's.  Pam is completley ok with it, she honestly supports it which is really nice. It is what it is and it's my decision :)


One bad thing did happen when I got home though.  I fell outside while attempting to take the trash out.  I had 2 bags of trash and was trying to walk....(key word trying) and the next thing I knew I was all spralled out with garbage everywhere.  I scraped and twisted my bad knee but I feel ok right now so I don't think I did any more harm, hopefully.


To end this blog I'd like to say that I have falled in best friend love with Lisa Kuhn! that girl fricking cracks me up and is always there to make me smile.  I'm so gald I met her in school and honestly could not do any of this without her.  I'm not kissing ass just because I know she'll read this...I really adore that girl! xoxo

Stupid internet!

I feel like a crazy person staring at the damn lights on my modem.....my internet has been working sporatically and its driving me batty.  I spent an hour on the phone with WOW today trying to fix it only for them to tell me that someone had to come out. So I was sitting there tonight watching TV and I saw that the "cable light" was on solid....wooohoooo....blog time!

Today was a productive day for me.  I opened up a new bank account, applied for unemployment and food stamps, and paid my electric bill.  Now that I'm not working and not in school until January 10th I have become "miss lazy pants".  Its so hard to get my ass off the fricking couch.  The piggles (my dogs) and I are all starting to meld together.  Today I knew I had some stuff I HAD to do so I got up and did it which made me feel good.  Some of my problem I'm sure is depression.  Sometimes I get into these moods where I just feel like I don't care about anything anymore.  Like I described it to my mom "the world could fall apart around me I don't care".  That has NEVER been me.  I always try to stay positive and look towards the future.  I'm not sure whats going on but I'm sure it has a hell of a lot to do with Brett.  I still think about him all the time and wonder what life would be like now if he was still alive.  Christmas day marked 9 months since he's died and in some ways it feels like YEARS.  My entire life is so different now.....I'm dating someone (one day I'll explain that whole situation) and I have strong feelings for him.  But on the other hand I am still greiving my husband and sometimes I even cry out "I just want my husband back".  It feels like he was the the only one sometimes that truly understood me.  We had one hell of a life together and I don't think I'll EVER stop missing him.  I have such a close relationship with his mother (better than the one I have with my own) which I am so grateful for.  She's really been my rock and I go to her for everything.

So the moral of the story today is that I DONT want to be depressed, I want to look forward and make positive changes.  I just have to keep pushing ahead and not look back.

Christmas.......uh huh

I logged in today and was flabbergasted by how long it's been since I've written.  I starting thinking the other day that I would possibly start writing again and today (whats better than Christmas Day) is the day.

I won't go into great detail about where I've been for the past 5 months but in a nutshell, here it is.  I have been going to school and working.  Unfortunately I ended up having to retake this quarter (med/surg) due to the fact that I had to miss 2 clinical days.  I am happy now that I am getting a chance to retake the class and am thrilled that my best nursing buddies are with me :D. When I'm not in school, I'm working.  I've been trying to work as much as possible just to "attempt" to keep my  head somewhat above water.  I never realized how hard it is to make it on your own.....this is the FIRST time in my life I've been completely on my own so it's been quite an adjustment for me.  I've been struggling financially that's for sure and am currently just concerned with keeping a roof over my head.  Two days ago my boss informed me that they had no more work for me and I was being laid off......not good timing.

This was by far the strangest and most upsetting Christmas time I've ever had.  I have loved Christmas so much since as long as I can remember.  I always performed throughout school in show choir so Christmas was a big time of year for me.  Brett and I always made our holidays special and this year was definitely tough not having him here with me.  For the first time ever I made the decision to "ignore" Christmas.  I didn't decorate, I didn't shop, I listen to Christmas music....nothing.  I just couldn't handle it what so ever....so I chose not to deal with it at all.  Probably not my finest moment...but a defense mechanism none the less. Kirk (we'll get into him later) came over last night which was nice since he hasn't been over in months.  That was something that really made me smile.....he actually came over :).  Today I went over to his house to have dinner with Pam and him.  It ended up being really nice....I didn't stay long but they both got me gifts (pleasantly unexpected) and we had a great meal.  I'm glad I "broke down my wall" (as Lisa would have put it) and went over there.

I'm too exhausted to write much more.  I really wanted to put together a Christmas through the ages photo show in this blog but I couldn't find the CD with all my pictures on it.  I suppose I'll save that for another time. I miss Brett from the bottom of my heart today and everyday. 

Merry Christmas

Starting the process

Yesterday, on Independence Day, My brother in law Kirk and I took a road trip up to Mount Pleasant and took some of Brett with us.  I have been sitting here for 3 months knowing that my poor husband is sitting the top of the closet "waiting" to be scattered.  When Brett and I would talk about what he wanted done with his ashes, he would say to me "put them where ever you want to, just make sure some are up north with my family".  I pondered this concept very much since he's passed, all I EVER wanted to do for him was the right thing.  I always wanted to make him happy, his happiness was everything to me.  I suppose, looking back I may have gotten a little caught up in taking care of him but that was the life I knew as his wife.  I loved him ENOUGH to stand by his side and take care of him when he needed me.  So when it came to deciding on his final resting place/places......this is what I have decided:

For me, I wanted him to be in Mount Pleasant.  Late August 1999, I met was introuduced to him by my current boyfriend.  As I've stated many times, there was an immediate spark between us.  Obviously it had to remain a friendship for sometime because I was otherwise involved.  I took some of his ashes to the grassy spot right underneath the widows of our old door rooms.  Herrig Hall rooms 118 (mine) and 119 (his).  Right at the end of the hall where him and I could sneak down the stairs and have a cigerette at all hours of the night.  The fun times we ALL had in those 2 door rooms was amazing!! I have SO many good memories of water fights, Las nights and Brett's loud laugh annoying us through our concrete walls! I remember yelling at him once through the wall as loud as I can "shut up, we're trying to sleep" to which he replied "kiss my ass" and laughed louder.  Gotta love him! In my dorm room was where he told me that he loved me for the first time.  We had been dating for about a month and he said (all adorable and such) that he had something to tell me......than he says "I know its only been a month but I feel like I love you".  Of course I agreed with him and felt the same.  We had a connection I simply cannot explain.  As I stood on the grass under the windows I smiled because I knew that now he would always lay outside our rooms.

The next place we took him was to the library.  When I met him he had gotten offered a job at the library and because he absolutley hated his Subway job, he jumped on it.  At the time the library was held in Finch Fieldhouse and was a "disaster pit of hell" (as he called it).  There were trying to get funding for the new library but the funds needed exceeded 120 million dollars.  Finally they got funding and I remember making fun of Brett because he was so excited the day they broke ground on the new building.  He worked at the reference desk and loved every second of it.  Kirk said today maybe it was because he was surrounded by all those books, and that really stuck with me because he's right! Brett loved to read, he loved fiction and fantasy lands.  I loved that side of him, the creative side. Taking him to the library meant so much to me because I KNEW for a fact he would be so happy to now be a part of the landscape, I know that would have made him so happy.

After the library it was off to our old apartment at the Forum, B105.  That was our very first place together, we actually signed the lease as friends with Jenn.  I remember the day we moved in and he wanted to take pictures.  I still have one of him sneaking around the kitchen with his  middle finger up but a big bright smile of his face.  He was "evading" the camera but being a ham all at the same time.  We lived at the Forum apartment from 2000-2001.  So many life changing things happened to us there.  We literally survived on less than $400/month.  Brett had paid up his rent with his financial aide so his rent was paid for but I couldnt find and/or keep work so we struggled very much there.  We fought a lot there and even broke up for 2 weeks.  He started to get sick there.  I remember when we came back from Christmas break he had this horrible back ache and a low grade fever, that was the start of everything.  I had mixed feelings about being at the Forum.  But I felt like it was a true turning point for us.  We had to decided how worth it our relationship was because we were getting everything thrown in our faces, life was kicking our ass.  It tested us.  Once Brett was diagnosed on June 25, 2001 absolutley everything changed.  We both quit school and moved home.  He was in full blown treatment by mid-July.  Not only did our location change, our relationship changed as well.  His diagnosis put into perspective that nothing else mattered.  As long as we had each other, nothing else mattered.  And so the fight began..............

I am so glad we took him up there and I thank Kirk from the bottom of my heart for being there with me.  One strange thing did happen to us that I have to share.  We sat in a parking lot watching the Soaring Eagle fireworks (I insisted we go because I wanted to see some damn fireworks).  Kirk had his iPod playing and the guitarist Joe Satriani came on and all of a sudden the fireworks and the music matched perfectly.  It was the strangest thing I've ever seen....almost like Brett was with us and saying "thanks for bringing me here guys".  It was so cool, and a bonding moment for Kirk and I.  I am so glad that I still have Brett's brothers, who feel like they're my own. 

It was a special day thats for sure.

Thinking out loud, quietly...

Well it's Sunday night, before the beginning of my first full week back to work in really.....years.  I have been working part time for the past 3 years because of Brett's medical coverage.  I had to make under a certain amount in order to qualify for his medications and treatments.  Now I am going to be back to work full time, it will be an adjustment for me but I am thrilled about having a job and even being ALLOWED to work full time!!

Thinking about working made me realize truly how much of my entire life revolved around Brett and/or his cancer.  I love that man with every inch of my soul, heart and body but it was hard to live the life we lead.  It was hard to constantly worry about him and worry about how to pay for his meds and treatments.  It was terribly hard to watch him in pain and on his "bad" days.  My whole mood for the day was always set by him and how he woke up that morning.  I am by NO means happy not to have him anymore but I am starting to feel the release of a little bit of the pressure, stress and worrying.  Sadly in some ways I believe I have been living on "auto-pilot" for the past 8 years.  Dont get me wrong, there were some precious, happy moments mixed into those years.......that's what kept us going and loving each other everyday.  It's just a bit of a shock to really take a look back and SEE what we have been going through.  I feel stress now with surviving on  my own, I feel pressure to be independent (because I have VERY few people I can trust and rely on), I still feel sadness for Brett and our lost life together............

But I also am starting to feel hope..........hope that maybe, just maybe, life might turn out ok afterall.  I will always think of boo and our life, how can I not? We built our life togther, we had almost 12 years of history together as best friends and lovers.  I will always smile when I think of him dancing around the living room because something really cool just happen.  I will always laugh when I think of him saying "stop, woman stop" (he always cracked me up).  I will always remember our first kiss and the day he proposed when he wrote "will you merry or marry me?" on the card.  We laughed about that forever.....he was so adorable.  He got down on one knee and opened the ring upside down.  I adored that man. 

I am starting to find some peace inside my heart for him, for us and for my future...

Its been a while.....

I can't sleep, so I figured I would jot down something in this blog since its been forever since I've written anything.  Things are going ok, some things are going really well, like school for example.  I officially finishied AND passed my first quarter of Nursing school :-)!!!! I was so relieved to get my grades.  I am very happy that I made it through the firs term and even though the second term (Med/Surg 1) is supposed to be known as the "hardest" term, the things I've learned this time around will help next time!

As of this past Thursday, I returned to work at United Resin Corporation.  Up until 2 weeks before, I had nothing lined up as far as work goes.  I was terrified that I wouldn't find anything, but luckily they were able to find work for me.  Its good to be back, be "home" so to speak.  I've worked there 8 years now and even though the place drives me INSANE sometimes, it is like a second family to me.  The first day I worked was really hard because it was the first time I'd been back there since 2 days before Brett died.  I can remember my last day there like it was yesterday, its the strangest thing.  I remember the job I was working on and what I was thinking.....its freaky.  Being back there made me sad because Brett was such a huge part of my "working day".  I'd call him on my breaks and lunch to make sure he was doing ok.  I was constantly thinking about him when I was at work.  I work 45 minutes away from home and it always used to scare me that he would need me for something and it would take me so long to get to him.  Walking through the doors Thursday morning was another slap in the face that he's really gone.  I also work with his mom, which is good but somewhat sad as well.  I also had a hard time AFTER work, walking in the door and not having him there to greet me.  He was the BEST husband ever when it came to taking care of me.  He did everything for me, he'd have coffee, diner, house clean and pets in line when I'd get home from work.  He always had a smile and a hug for me......I missed that terribly on Thursday.

His birthday is coming up on the 25th and that is making me sad too.  None of us knew last year that would end up being his last birthday......LIFE IS SHORT...........let my story be a true testiment to that people!! My heart is also broken for his twin, Kirk because I know his 37th birthday will always be the "first birthday without boo".  I cant ever understand how he'll be feeling that day but my heart is with him.  He's been a great friend since Brett's passed, Brett's mom has also been amazing to me.  They both check on me and invite me over for diner......its really nice.

Long time since I've written......

My last post was on May 5th I believe! I can't believe its been almost a month since I've written anything.  That just goes to show you how intense school has been for me.  I'm sure no one is missing my boring posts but for the moment, it feels good to release the past month into words.

As for school, as of this VERY moment I am passing all of my classess.  I am right on the line (just over) in most of them, which means it will all come down to my final exams in 2 weeks.  I am still holding out hope that I can make this happen and end up becoming a SECOND term Nursing student!! thats the goal anyways.  Today was our last day of clinicals at the hospital for the quarter and after 8 weeks there, it was a little tough to say goodbye.....but also very relieving.  Every day I showed up there I was nervous, throughout my time there I did eventually begin to get the hang of things.  I had the BEST clinical instructor EVER....Thank you Emily! she really taught me SO much and I am so glad she was my first for clinical rounds.  I've seen and learned a lot these past 8 weeks at St. Joseph's Mercy Oakland Pontiac - Unit 4G (SJMO).  Our unit was a medical Oncology unit so I had many patients who were either undergoing treatment for cancer or were in their final moments with Mercy Hospice Care.  I think I saw the entire gammet of cancer treatment.  We had a patient that was 2 days from the discovery of a brain tumor, I personally had 3 patients that were undergoing current chemotherapy and/or radiation, I have had 2 patients that were in remission and 1 patient that sadly died at the end of my shift.  I believe this was a good experience for me being on a Med Onc unit first time around because it was a test of who I am really am inside and if I can really work with cancer patients. 

As for my personal life, things have been ok.  I still have my terriby sad moments when I think about Boo and everything we went through.  I think about all the sacrafices we (and he mostly) had to make.  I think about all the laughter we shared and the special love that was only ours.  I think about his smile and he always could turn my bad days around.  I will always think of him and miss him.  I am grateful to his famliy for taking care of me.  His mom and Kirk in particular have really been there for me these past few weeks and I will be forever grateful. 

Sinking ship..........

Yesterday we got our midterm grades for school.  My Nursing Fundamentals class: I'm failing with a 77%, my health assessment class: I'm currently getting an 89% (which I'm happy with).  I was so upset when I got my Fundamentals grade which came along with an email from my teacher saying that I needed to meet with her about my chances of passing.  I did some figuring on my own and determined that I can only miss 22 more points from now till the end in order to pass with an 84%.  What really hurt me was this last exam.  It just so happened that I had to move the weekend before and didn't get a chance to study like I should have. 

They told us when we started the program that we needed to say "goodbye" to our lives, meaning that nothing else could matter while in school.  The problem I'm having with that is that life is still happening around me.  With Brett's death and the move.....those are things I can't control.  I had no choice but to move when I did because I couldn't afford my rent.  I had no choice.  That exam grade REALLY hurt my overall grade and I feel that's what has put me in this position.

I'm so stressed, sad and overwhelmed.  If I do fail Fundamentals I have to re-apply to the program all over again (for the third time) to re-start in the Fall.  They only take a select group of repeats so I'd be competing with the others from my class that are in the same boat as me. 

I hate this.

All moved and back online....

Its been quite a while since I've written.  That's do to the fact that I've been moving.....as I sit here now, I am all moved into my new apartment and back online as of about an hour ago.  I moved on May 1st and 2nd.  The first 2 nights here I was so sad because I felt like I left my home behind.  The only "good" thing is that I don't have to drive by my old place.  I now live right in the front of my complex where before I lived off the main road (my apartment faced the main drive of our complex).  I basically turn into the complex and right into my apartment now.  I do glance down the street everytime I go to leave and I can just barely see our old place.  I know they've been in there because the blinds are pulled up and all the lights are on.  It devestates me that I had to move but it just simply wasn't possible for me to stay.  I'm saving $300/month rent at this place vs the other.  I still don't have a job so I don't even know how I'm going to pay THIS rent so I sure as hell wouldn't have been able to pay the previous rent. 

Its just sad to me because this place feels so small and foreign to me.  I miss our HOME......it felt like the final piece of the puzzle to Brett's death.  Like now everything was really over.  When I still lived at our old apartment, I felt like I was holding onto everything....now it feels gone.  It's hard to explain but its getting a little better as the days go on.  I just need to adjust to the new place.  I've been so incrediblly busy with school that I haven't unpacked a single box.......that, I'm sure will help as well.  I hope.  This is the third apartment I've lived in at Ashgrove Apartments.  We moved here (on Dogwood...our first place, a one bedroom like the one I'm in now) a week before we got married.  Then in 2008 we moved into our 2 bedroom which was very exciting for us because it gave us 350 more square feet!! now.....I'm here, back to a one bedroom.  It's strange to still live in the same complex after all these years but its convient for me and overall I DO like the place.  I've got so many memories here both happy and sad.  I said goodbye to my neighboors who all knew about Brett's death because they were home when the ambulance came that day and when I got home from the hospital.  I will miss them.  Here, I don't know anyone who lives around me (except my mom lives one street over).  I have to get used to the sounds, sights and feelings that come with this new "home".

4 weeks..........

Ok, I know this looks stupid but this picture keeps sticking in my head, taken 3-23-10

I took this picture on the evening of March 23rd (the day before everything went down with Brett).  I remember ever second of it like it was yesterday.  I had my computer out doing some stuff for school and I started playing with my webcam.  Brett was making dinner - homemade chicken sandwhiches and fries.  From the kitchen he told me "you can take still pictures with your webcam" and I was like "really, ok I'll play with it".  That is where this picture came from.  If I close my eyes right now, I can picture him in the kitchen talking to me through the bookcases with a big smile on his face.  As I started playing with the webcam and taking still pictures, he was laughing at me.  We ended up both laughing about it because at the time it was a funny moment.

Ever since he died, I keep coming back to this picture.  Its like I'm outside myself looking at a different person.  Everything I was in the moment of this picture has now changed.  I feel like a TOTALLY different person.  To me, I look like a stranger here.  I can remember what I was thinking and what we were doing......never knowing the next day it would ALL change forever.  For me, honestly, that has been the hardest part of all of this.  How FAST everything happened.  I know other people have went through worse situations such as terrible car accidents where loved ones were lost in a split second.  Brett and I did have the "advantage" (if you want to call it that) of being able to discuss his death and sickness.  It still seemed like it happened so fast, because it really did.

So please don't think I'm conceded by putting a stupid picture of myself in my blog, but this picture represents a complete turning point in my entire life.  Now I face a brand new life without Brett.......still seems impossible.  Everyday I think "there's no way I can do this all without him" even though I know he'll always be with me.

Just an update....

I really don't have much to "update" on persay, just the usual living and trying to get by without my love by my side.  Nursing school is going ok, its SOOOO much work though and sometimes it's really hard for me to focus.  We've now taken 2 exams and a couple quizes, and are waiting for grades.  We need to have an 84% to keep going and if by week 5 (mid point) we are not at that point, they will counsil us on whether we are able to continue in the program or not.  Its so stressful, especially not knowing any grades yet.  I'm really hoping I can make it through this first term but I will not lie.....I'm scared to death about it. 

I have 10 days to pack up my apartment and move on May 1st.  As I sit here right this moment, the only thing I've done is cleaned out Brett's closet.  I just dont have the energy with school.  It's going to end up being a "throw it in the truck and lets go" sort of move this time.  Normally I'm all organized but NOT this time.  I did get an apartment number yesterday (I'm only moving 2 streets down) so thats good. 

Overall.......

I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO stressed out and overwhelmed!

studying with out my boo

I spent today working on homework and studying for the 2 tests and a quiz I have coming up this week.  I got all of my "projects" done, now its just the actual studying.  I'm really not the greatest studier persay.  I'm a writing-dependent learner which means I have to write things down in order to process and remember them.  I have a hard time just looking at a chapter and remembering whats on the pages.  Most of the time I study by using study guider or making my own notes.  I used to always use notecards but there's too much info now to make them....I don't have the time.  I can remember on MANY occassions Brett going over my note cards with me.  He was SO good at it, he'd give me hints and talk me through them.  It always cracked me up though because he could not pronounce med terms very well lol.  He'd trying to say something like "Genitourinary" and say it wrong like 5 times, then say "whatever...THAT word" (because the whole time I'd be repeating correctly to him lol).  I have very fond memories of him helping me through school leading up to this point.  Whenever I had an exam, he would text me right before saying "you can do it, I believe in you, good luck.....you GOT this".  Those mesages meant so much to me! I got to the point where I couldnt take a test without hearing his voice or getting that text beforehand.  He has always been MY inspiration because he was such a dedicated, intelligent........amoung numerous other things.....perfect in my eyes.  My boo.

Clinical Day 1 at the hospital......

So today was our first actual clinical day at the hospital.  I was quite nervous going in, some excitement worked in there....but mostly nervous.  The hardest part for me personally is being on the "other side" of the medical curtain.  I have spent the past 9 years in and out of hospitals with Brett, so the actual hospital doesn't scare me.  I've been the "family member"....not the Nurse.  Today I stood in the hallways, looked at patient charts, entered the staff break rooms, and storage rooms.  I crossed the threshhold of every room that was always "staff only" before today.  I can't quite explain the feeling I had all day today.   I somewhat felt like I was in a daze.  We didn't see any actual patients today but next Friday we will spend the day with them (taking vitals, bed baths, charting....etc).

Irony would have it that I have been placed on a Medical Oncology floor filled with mostly cancer patients, some with Hospice.  That is going to take some getting used to for me because it does hit a little close to home.  My instructor made it clear to me that if it was too much, she would ensure I had a non-oncology patient.  The thing is that I WANT to work in Oncology or ICU.  I have to get used to being around cancer patients.  Its not so much the patients/familes that worry me because having gone through all of this, I have immense understanding for them.  Its more the flooding thoughts of Brett and my father lying in those same beds.  We talked about DNR's and CPR....all I thought about was Brett coding and them having to do chest compressions on him 5 times before he died.  Every subject we cover in the clinical setting makes me think of my past experiences.  Hopefully as I get used to being a student Nurse, those thoughts will fade and I will focus on my patients and THEIR issues.

It's a strange feeling being a "student" Nurse because I feel like we are certainly the lowest on the totem poll....which we are, and thats fine.  I feel like all the blue scrub's are looking at me like "she doesn't know anything.....what a looser".  I know thats not the case, and I know these are dues I must pay to work my way up to becoming a professional.  It's just strange all the thoughts that go through your head.  I have chosen an honorable profession, one that can make differences in peoples lives.  I know I'll look back years from now and appreciate the learning process, which never ends in Nursing anyways.

Now.........I'm EXHAUSTED and I have 2 major tests to study for..........yeah, so that's my night.

Miss you boo! always

My theory on being alone.....

I was thinking a lot about this concept today of being truly alone.  I have been SO blessed with numerous people who have showed support, friendship and a willingness to help me in whatever way needed.  I feel so lucky to have that!  The trouble is that I STILL feel all alone.  This is what led me to consider why I felt so alone with all of this even though not only do I have support but there are so many others that are grieving over Brett's loss.  In those respects, I am anything but alone.

I feel I am alone because as his wife, I knew him better than I knew myself.  We had a very close relationship, speaking constantly throughout the day.  I knew every move he made and he knew mine.....that was just us.  Now that he's gone I am alone with my feelings for him.  I am alone with OUR memories, personal things that only the 2 of us shared.  I am alone with our "mess" that was a life (financial...etc).  I am alone with our pets which I would never EVER get rid of, but are very hard to take care without Brett.  I am alone with my thoughts of what could have been between us had he never gotten sick.  In all of these ways.....I am completley, totally, unmistakeably....alone.  I guess it shows me how amazing our relationship was because we did share so much together.  He was by far the only person who knew every single detail about me.  He accepted who I was without judgement or restrictions.  I am also alone with his belongings, which I've yet to even look at.  I am alone is deciding what to do with those belongings.  People can make suggestions to me or offer help but ultimatley I'm alone in what happens with what he left behind.  You figure we were together for almost 11 years....that means pretty much everything he's ever owned is now with me.  How do you take someone's life of stuff and put it somewhere? like displacing someones personal extensions of them.  "Stuff" is very personal, we all collect it and it all means something in the course of our lives.  I feel an obligation as his wife and best friend to do whats best with everything he owned, but its a lot to think about.  When my dad died 3 years ago, I helped my mom go through some of his stuff.  It was sad but we were in a hurried rush to get the house cleared out so we didn't have time to really think about it.  I'm glad I have the time now with my husband but with that time comes responsibility to him. 

I am also alone with school.  I am the ONLY one that can make it through this program.  I am the ONLY one who can study, learn, implement and succeed for myself.  I am in charge of what happens to me now and sadly.....only me.  Part of me wants to shut down and hide, pretending like this is all just a horrific nightmare, and then part of me who wants good for myself in the future because Brett would have wanted good for me.  Part of me WANTS to survive this FOR him.  Then theres moments where I really don't care about anything anymore.  The sunshine makes me mad on those days because I feel I have nothing to be happy about anymore.  Its such a strange rollercoaster of feelings and emotions.

Just some pictures from the slideshow I used at Brett's memorial

This is Doug Macdermaid, Kirk, Doug and boo on our wedding day

Summer 2007 at Doug & Joanne's house for the fireworks party

This was Brett back in the Spring of 2000 about 6 months after we met

October 26, 2002 - The happiest day of my life

Boo with his mommy on our wedding day

This picture was taken on the day of my Bridal shower when Brett and the boys came at the end to say hello.  He's holding his beautiful nieces, Cailin and Kendall

Late Winter 2009 with mom, Brutus, Luke and boo

April 25, 2005 at Arlington Cemetary in  Washington DC.  Brett and I went there to be apart of the 25th anniversary memorial of his dad's death in Operation Eagle Claw

Brett and his big brother Doug - taken in late June 2007

The VERY first picture ever taken of us - April 27, 2000 when we first started dating.  We were in the hallway of Herrig Hall at Central Michigan University!

The Memorial

So today was Brett's memorial service and overall I think it went really well, perfect in the sense that everyone who loved him came together to celebrate who he was.  I stayed up practically all night last night prepping for this event because I so desperatley wanted it to be perfect for him.  I wanted to make him proud.  Our previous conversations kept going through my head and I wanted to make sure I did everything I could do to make this day special for him.  Sadly I always wanted to throw him a birthday party.......but instead I only ever got to throw him a memorial. 

I was truly touched by all the people that came out to support me and his family.  There were so many smiling, warm faces with open arms.  I knew Brett was the kind of man who changed peoples lives but it became even more apparent to me today when I got to look across a sea of people and know they were all there for him.  I really hope he knew when he was alive how many people loved him. 

I stood up infront of everyone and read my "speech" that took  me 5 hours to write last night.  I was so scared that I was going to fall apart but instead I felt strong up there.  I got this overwhelming sense of honor to be leading the celebration of my husband.  I got to stand infront of all those people and tell them how he impacted my life, how he changed me.  I felt so proud to be doing that for him.  I felt almost like I was speaking for him because he wasn't there to say how he felt.  I knew him so well that I can still to this moment hear his voice in my head.  That strength surprised me and I honestly didn't even fathem that it was there.  My husband was one hell of a guy and God am I SOOOO grateful that I was blessed enough to have him in my life for so long. 

It was still sureal to me that this whole entire thing was even happening.  Last night when I was getting ready I kept saying to myself "am I really doing this?" "this can't be real".  Thats how I felt all day too as I greeted everyone and  made my way around the room.  I remember at our wedding Brett said that he felt like an ambassador because we had to "mingle" and make the rounds.  Thats how I felt today.  I felt like an ambassador for truth, love, and friendship.

I sincerley cannot thank everyone ENOUGH to coming out today to be with us.  The people at the Moose Lodge were unbelievable and somehow it was all just "taken care of"......amazing.  I could not have asked for anything more.  It devestated me to have to be in this situation but the group of people who have surrounded me with support make me feel like it WILL be ok.  The sad part is that now that the memorial is over, I begin my stretch into this dark hole of a life without boo.  That terrifies me but I still belive in my heart of hearts that he will help me through it every step of the way.  A bond like ours can NEVER be broken!

Yesterday marked 2 weeks....

Yesterday marked exactly two weeks since Brett has passed away.  He died at 4:22pm on the 25th, so everytime that time hits I swear I feel like I can't breathe.  Its almost like I'm dying with him.  It feels like a billion years since I've seen him last.  Sometimes I feel like I can't remember him.  Two Christmas's ago Brett got me a video camera, there is about an hour and a half of video footage of us through the past year and a half.  I have not watched the video yet because I know I'm going to loose it when I do.  I know that I want to eventually because I want to see us together, it just hurts to think of it.

Something strange happened to me yesterday.  I was working on homework and I had to use my medical dictionary.  When I opened it up, a un-scratched lottery ticket fell out.  I scratched it and I won 5 dollars.  The strange part is that why would an un-scratched lotto ticket be in my med dictionary?? I loved scratch offs and Brett always got them for me.  I ALWAYS did them, never set one aside, least of all in a book I hardly used or looked at until now.  It was almost like Brett gave it to me to cheer me up because he knew how much I loved them.  I have to believe he's still with me, I just HAVE to. 

What a WEEK!

Lets see, where should I begin?? I already wrote about my first day of school which was pretty good, the highlight of my week so far.  Tuesday was my 2nd day of classes and I woke up 45 minutes late.  I opened my eyes and knew something was wrong, I was afraid to look at the clock.  When I looked at the clock it was 8:45 and I was supposed to be in class at 8am.  My instructor called about 5 minutes after I woke up to see where I was.  I rushed in there, made it by 9:30.  Luckily for me, they were super understanding.  I was able to complete all of my tasks in lab.  I felt like a total failure though for screwing up like that.  So today I had class at 9am, I set literally about 12 alarms.  I woke up "in time" but barely.  I had my alarm set for 7 and woke up at 8:15.  I made it there on time.  I guess this is where its helpful to have uniforms because I already know what to wear and the rest is easy.  I need to get it together though because I will get kicked out of the program if I am late again.  Today I made it just in time with about 5 minutes to spare.

Then I get home from class today and had a voice mail from  my Uncle Paul that my Uncle Scott (my dad's younger brother) passed away this morning from complications due to cancer.  I saw him at Christmas time and he was doing quite well.  My mom and I were talking and its truly amazing to us how much can change in 4 months.  Brett and Uncle Scott looked and felt good at Christmas, now they are both gone.  I officially HATE CANCER! not that it wasn't official before but its more concrete now.  I want to eventually work in oncology.........but I may rethink that. 

What a messed up, sad week!

First day of Nursing school......bittersweet

I was absolutley devestated last night at the thought of facing my first day of professional Nursing school without my love.  As I've stated many times, this was entirely a TEAM effort.  I never even imagined doing it without him.  He was the most supportive husband when it came to my devotion to Nursing.  Its already been three years of hard work. 

I woke up this morning feeling nervous, anxious and a little queasy.  I felt quiet if that makes sense.  I doned my white scrubs and went to my first class.  The whole experience was sureal because I sat in a room with 44 other people in their own shinny white scrubs while I listened to intimidating (but kind) teachers.  I cannot believe I actually made it to this point.  I am honored to be entering a profession where I actually get the chance to make a real difference in someones life.  Today helped reaffirm why I have chosen  Nursing.  I sat there and had strange thoughts like "I wonder if they can look at me and tell that I lost my husband last week".  I had contacted my director and informed her of what happened so I know my teachers are aware.  Thats a strange feeling, a little invading.  The day was packed with information and work.  Sometimes I felt like I wasn't really there, like I was watching it all on a movie.  Its so weird to have both feelings of utter devestation but than also feelings of pride and excitement all at the same time.  It's like my brain doesn't know how to react.  I have already recieved about 40 chapters worth of reading, a 4 page paper and some worksheets........there's no doubt I'll be busy.

When I got home, I got really sad again.  The dogs were nuts because they were left alone all day.  I was devestated to walk into the house and be slapped in the face with the fact that he wouldn't be there with smiles and hugs.  That was quite depressing to me to be honest.  I feel so lonely.  I feel like I have no one to share this with, even though I know I have friends and family rooting for me.  Its just not the same, not having him here to celebrate with and be happy with.  It truly breaks my heart. 

Tomorrow we start labs, hands on learning.  I'm sure I'll be sad when I get home tomorrow too but thats when I'll dive into my homework.  See how I'm talking myself through this??  I know he's with me.

Easter

I went visitng my in-law's today.  First I stopped by my sister in law's house to see my nieces, it was so nice to give them great big hugs.  Joanne had gotten them both shirts supporting Hodgkin's Lymphoma awareness and research.  Cailin's says "my uncle is a hero".  I hope Brett knows how much they loved him.  There has been some family drama as some of you know in the past 5 months so there was some stress between the girls and us, but in the end they always loved him so much and he adored them.  After Joanne's house I went over to Brett's mom's house.  She made dinner for Kirk and I.  She has been such a blessing to me since Brett passed.  She lost her husband at the age of 31 as well and her wisdom and adivice is amazing right now. 

Of course, as with everyday, I kept thinking "what would we be doing if Brett was alive".  I can't seem to get that thought of my fricking head.  I am starting Nursing school tomorrow so I know if he was alive, we would be prepping for that.  I swear sometimes he was more excited than I was. 

I did a lot of random, uncontrolable crying today.  I hope that doesn't happen tomorrow while I'm sitting in class.

I hope everyone had a great Easter with their familes and friends today!

voicemails.

So of course, like every night, I'm having a terrible time falling asleep.  Today was tough because Kirk and I picked up Brett's ashes.  We both were quite emotional during that trip.  I have to say that the people at the Cremation Society of Michigan have been amazing to us....such kind and helpful people.  They made the process easier for me by explaining everything step by step to me.  I really appreciate their kindness.  But anyways, I was lying in bed thinking about him and I just broke down.  All of a sudden it felt like I couldn't remember him.  I couldn't hear his voice.  It still really all feels quite sureal to me.  Everyone has said numerous times to me "oh well he must have been really sick leading up to this" or "we wish we would have known how sick he was".  I'm here to SAY.......before last Wed morning, he was doing very well.  He felt good, he was active, he was happy.  I was truly OCD when it came to Brett and his overall health status everyday.  He was also very aware of his body and voiced his concerns when he didn't feel well.  All signs honestly pointed to that he was on an up swing. 

All of this thinking and crying led me to start listening to saved voicemails I had on my cell phone.  I had about 5 voicemails that I saved from him because they were adorable.  One in particular, I was playing with my phone and he called me (sitting right next to me) and he was being silly, breathing into the phone.  I could hear myself laughing in the background.  He was saying "I love you baby....is this working? I love you" and then he would laugh.  Then at one point I heard the dogs barking.  It was like a snap shot of our life together.  At first when I listened I just held the phone and balled.  After a few times of listening....I realized that this was a good thing.  This was a reminder of how awesome our lives were together.  We really had it all.  True love and friendship.  That man made me laugh every single day.  Even though now I feel like all my happiness is gone, when I heard that voicemail it made me even MORE thankful that I was blessed enough to have what I had.  The perfect man for me.

I am not looking forward to today.....

Today I am going with my brother in law Kirk (Brett's twin) to pick up Brett's remains from the Cremation Society of Michigan.  Along with his remains, I will be getting my certified copies of his death certificate.  I'm not sure which bothers me more.....driving home with my husband in a box or looking at his death paperwork.  Lets just say I'm really not looking forward to this.  I am well aware of the reality of his death but something about having an official piece of paper on it scares the shit out of me.  I will now have in my possession both his birth certificate and death certificate.  What the fuck? thats just not right or fair. 

I can not believe how long these 9 days have felt like.  It seriously feels like a million years since I've seen his smile, kissed his lips, gotten a big bear hug (he was so skinny but he always gave the BEST hugs).  I feel like time has literally stopped.  Now its April and the weather is getting warmer and all I can think about is how Brett and I would be walking the dogs everyday together.  Shortly before he died, we took the pups on a long walk and I keep replaying that moment in  my head.  I keep seeing him standing there by the trees with a big smile on his face.  What the fuck happened? it all disappeared so quickly.  I can't stress enough to everyone reading this how short life is.  Even though Brett had cancer so death was a little more of a reality to us than most, it can still happen to anyone at anytime.  Of course I hope it doesnt happen but please be aware that anyday.....things can change forever. 

Rough day today.

I opened my eyes this morning and looked at the clock above the TV, it said 1:39pm.  I was shocked it was that late.  I had the hardest time last night falling asleep.  I know I was still awake at 4:45am.  So needless to say today started off kind of bad because I slept half of it away.  When I got up, I kept crying.  It was like my eyes just kept tearing up without concious thought evoking it.  I sat here on the stinking couch with crap strewned all around me thinking "what the hell am I going to do?".  I just felt so sad and lonely.  I felt like every ounce of happiness had been ripped from me.  When Brett was alive, we were always stressed about money, doctors appointments, the pets, the cars.....the list is endless.  Even though we always seemed to have so many "issues", at the end of the day when it was just us, they didn't seem to matter.  I didn't care that we didn't have any money.  When it was just the two of us, all was right with the world.  Now that he's gone, it seems like all I have is time to think about how everything is so WRONG in my world now.  It is so strange to me not to turn to him and say "I love you".  Everytime I have a breakdown I cry out to him.  I feel lost without him. 

After about 2 hours of sitting here feeling empty and sad, I decided to force myself to get up and pick up the house.  I took a shower.  I eneded up back on the couch but I did feel a little bit better when I was busy doing something.  That tells me that infact, school might be the best thing for me now.  It will keep me busy and always give me something to focus on.  One of my friends on facebook told me that when her dad died, her mom moved things around in the house to help her adjust to her new life.  I don't have the energy for that right now but I can see the purpose in it.  I need to start starting over, even if its a tiny baby step every day.  I don't have a lot of super close friends because I've been wrapped up in caring for my sick husband for the past 8 years......but I'm starting to see that every friend, every kind email, every offer for help means something.  I'm starting to see that I DO have people who care about what happens to me even though I feel more alone now than I've ever felt.  I just have to keep telling myself that it WILL be ok and he WILL be by my side today, tomorrow and forever. 

I don't sow!

Ok so tonight I had to start assembling my uniforms for school.  I was staring at the stupid TV and decided to "attempt" to sow my Nursing patches on my uniforms.  Ironically enought, this would have been something Brett would have done for me (he was such the every man).  I managed to get them ironed on well but when it came to actually putting thread to fabric....HA! It literally took me about an hour to sow ONE patch on....they're not that freeking big.  I'm surprised it actually came out quite good but that's probably because I used almost an exact match thread....that helped.

Note to self......I don't SOW!

LONG day today....

Today was an extremely LONG, extremely exhausting day for me.  Today was supposed to be my last day at work.  Brett and I had been counting down and preparing for this day for the past 3 months since I found out I was accepted into the Nursing program.  My bosses wanted me to come up there for my "party" (if you can call it that now).  They had a luncheon for me and gave me a nice card that everyone had signed wishing me luck with school.  Bless their hearts for everything they have given me the 7 1/2 years I worked there.  I was so exhausted though and didn't really want to be there.  I stayed until it was "safe" to leave.  After I left work I had to stop by the apartment complex office to see if it was possible for me to get into a one bedroom apartment.  They said it was possible because my lease was up as of May 1st anyways.  So I had to put my 30 day notice into them today and then I will go see available apartments next week probably.  After THAT I had to go get my uniforms for school.  That was hard because again, I didn't want to be there.  All of the excitement has GONE from the whole Nursing thing.  Now, I am doing this for my own survival (and to give back of course).  Brett and I were so excited about school so I am not excited about it now that he's gone.

I kept thinking all day.....if he was still alive, today would have been a great day for us....the big celebration day.  That made me super sad.

Having a hard time figuring out what to do now........

This week so far I haven't been to work.  This was supposed to be my last week at work, tomorrow being my big farewell to United Resin Corporation.  My bosses are throwing me a "going away" party tomorrow and they have asked me to come in for it anyways, even though technically my last day was last Tuesday.  So this week, I've been home.  This is a good thing since it's so hard for my to even move, let alone think about working.  Most of the time I sit on the couch and stare at the TV, I don't watch it, I just stare at it.  The wall behind my TV is filled with pictures of the life Brett and I shared.  The hard thing to come to terms with is that EVERYTHING has changed.  My entire life has changed now.  Its no longer "us against the world".....its ME against the world (so to speak).  Throughout the years of Brett's sickness we secluded ourselves from family and friends because most of the time he felt the best being home with me and the puppies.  Every night was spent together talking and watching "our shows".  I do not know how to move on knowing that the life we had as of last week is now gone forever.  I know I've said it a million times in this blog but I still can't wrap my head around the fact that things can change so quickly.  My bedroom is like a time capsule, capturing all the moments when Brett was still here.  There's a stain on the carpet from the morning I found him on the floor.  I thought at first that he was having a low blood sugar attack so I tried to give him Coke and he spilled it.  His hat and glasses are on the dresser.  His clothes are all over the dresser and floor (because he was always messy with his clothes).  The bathroom counter still has his toothbrush, AXE body spray and deodorant.  His body cream (that he used for his GVHD skin) is still sitting right next to the bed because he often had to get up in the middle of the night to put it on.  The first 2 nights after he died it felt good to be in my bedroom, holding his blanket that still smells like him and crying myself to sleep.  The last few nights however I can't seem to go in there....so I've been sleeping on the couch.  When I was doing laundry today I started to do some of his and broke down, so now I've thrown it all in laundry baskets and put it aside.  I figure eventually I'll go through all of his clothes and figure what to keep, donate and throw away.  He has a dresser drawer where he always kept his "guy stuff" like his video games, watch, reciepts, special things he's saved that I gave him.  I keep looking at that drawer when I walk in the bedroom, but I haven't opened it yet. 

Yesterday I was able to compose myself enough to go through pictures and music for his memorial.  Music meant so much to him and it was something that brought us together in the beginning.  I know how important it was to him to have HIS music playing at his memorial so I burned 2 CD's to play there.  I just went into a zone and worked on the CD's. 

This was taken back in 2004 when Brett bought me my first digital camera....we were messing around with the self-timer!

Brett and Ashley (our very first pet as a married couple)

I always called this picture "hoodies".....poor Mikey! lol

I believe this was taken in the summer of 2006 at my in-law's house for a fireworks party

This one is a little blurry because it was taken with my old cell phone - Christmas 2005

I don't know which end is up.............

Day 6............

I haven't been doing much other than sitting at home alone the past few days.  That is honestly where I feel the best.  I have the windows open because its a warm sunny day, the only problem is that a warm and sunny day makes me think of Brett.  Who am I kidding? everything makes me think of him.  I still can't believe he's actually gone now.  I keep thinking back to last week before all of this happened, I look at stupid pictures we took of the dog 2 days before Brett died.....I keep thinking "wow, we had no idea what was coming".  If you would have talked to me last Monday and said that by the end of the following week I would be without a husband....I would'nt have believed it.  We've been dealing with this whole cancer-death-reality thing for years now, we talked about it happening and we both knew it could happen at any time.  For some reason, now that it actually HAS happened I can't believe it.  I guess I always thought we had at least a few more years.  I knew that planning for 30 years from now was a stretch but I thought planning for next year wasn't, or next month, or next week.  Our entire focus before this happened was me starting school.  I was selfishly involved in all the pre-start crap I had to do for the Nursing program.  Brett was helping me by reminding me, making phone calls, looking stuff up online for me.  Looking back now, I feel so selfish.  The night before he got sick was a night just like any other.  I had fallen asleep on the couch because I didn't feel well, he was playing with his iPOD.  When he tucked me in that night, it was "normal".  I can remember lying in bed worrying about school and trying to find something to watch on TV.....NEVER knowing that hours from that point, I would wake up to Brett lying on the floor in  my bedroom.  I never thought that the following evening he would be on life support, the afternoon after that he would be dead.

So now here I sit, in my empty apartment.  I look outside at the sunshine and I keep thinking of everything that could've been.  I start school in 5 days and I am going to have to do it without him.  I never thought I could do it without him.  Every single decision, thought, plan, feeling and dream I EVER had revolved around him.  I needed him.  I miss him.  I want him.  I can never have him again. 

This picture was taken almost (to the day) exactly one year ago.....I never knew at the time I only had one year left with my love

This pictures of Brett was taken in the summer of 2007 - holding our brand new puppy at the time..Luke. This was such a happy night spent with family and friends

Brett and I - engagement picture, taken summer 2002

This is day 5.....

Today marks the fifth day I have spent without my love by my side.  I feel ok when I am at home in the comfort of my own surroudings.  Yesterday I ventured out to see the people I work with, it was nice but I had a hard time because the last time I was at work....Brett was alive and doing well.  I was so exhaused when I got home all I could do was stare at the TV.  My dogs have been a good distraction because they need my constant attention.  It's also nice because they haven't left my side since all this happened.  When Brett was alive, he took care of the dogs most of the time because I was always busy with work and school.  They always slept with him, so I was pretty surprised when they started sleeping with me. 

I also wanted to quickly explain the title of my blog....."Cancer and widowhood cannot...."  I got that title from a poem I read years ago called "cancer cannot".  I have added this poem below to explain my point....

"Cancer is so limited. . .

It cannot cripple Love.
It cannot shatter Hope.
It cannot corrode Faith.
It cannot destroy Peace.
It cannot kill Friendship.
It cannot suppress Memories.
It cannot silence Courage.
It cannot invade the Soul.
It cannot steal eternal Life.
It cannot conquer the Spirit
- auther unknown

I have joined the crappy club.....

On March 25, 2010 my dear sweet husband of 7 1/2 years, Brett, passed away after an 8 year battle with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. He was doing quite well but suddenly became ill early Wednesday morning. After being rushed by ambulance to the ER, they discovered that he had sepsis (blood poisoning). The original infection that caused the sepsis was said to be bacterial pneumonia. Up until Wednesday morning when I awoke to find him lying on my bedroom floor, he was living and fighting with his cancer. He felt pretty good most days and seemed to be able to get up and move around quite well. As of 2 weeks ago at his most recent doctors checkup, we discussed him continuing to fight. He told me many times that if the cancer took him, he wanted to die fighting and this is exactly what he did.

When I say in the title that I've joined the "club".....I'm referring to being a widow. That is so hard to me to say.....I'm a widow. I no longer have a husband. On Tuesday I had a husband and now its Sunday night and I sit here typing this without one. I look next me in the chair he used to sit in and its empty. His clothes are still all around the house, theres a grocery list that he made Tuesday night, his keys hang by the door, his car sits outside my apartment......but he's no longer here. My wall and bookcases are covered with pictures of us throughout our 10 years together.

My heart feels empty, I am a deflated shell of being right now. I walk around and its almost like someone is controlling me with puppet strings because I feel like I'm outside my body. I keep thinking he's just gone at the store or in the hospital sick (which with the cancer had happen many times before). I always knew it was a possibility that he may die but I never expected it to happen so soon....we didn't have enough time. I am crushed. I promised him that I would live my life for him. I promised that I would NOT crawl into a hole and die and I will hold to that promise. Right now however, 3 days afer he's passed away.....I can barely hold my head up.